Since there's so many of these, let's put them all in one thread ****** An Irish man is sitting in an English pub one night when 3 Englishmen walked in. The men notice the lone Irishman as they're sitting down, and start to talk about how they can piss him off. The first man says, "Watch this..." He gets up, walks over to the Irishman, and says, "Hey man, I hear your St. Patrick was a faggot." The Irishman just replies, "Oh, is that so now?" The Englishman, goes back to his seat perplexed, when his friend jumps up and says, "Here, lemme try that." So he goes over to the Irishman and says, "Hey man, I hear your St. Patrick was a transvestite faggot!" The Irishman only replies, "Oh, is that so now?" So the Englishman, frustrated goes and sits down with his friends. The 3rd Englishman jumps up and says, "Well, now, I gotta try that!" So he walks over to the Irishman and says, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was an ENGLISHMAN!" And the Irishman replies, "Ah, so that's what your friends were tryin' to say." ******* Pat and Mike were doing some street repairs in front of a known house of ill repute in Boston. A Jewish Rabbi came walking down the street, looked the left, looked to right, and ducked into the house. Pat paused a bit from swinging his pick and said "Mike...will you look at that! A man of the cloth, and going into a place like that in broad daylight!". A bit later, a Baptist minister came down the street, looked to the left, looked to the right, and scurried into the house. Mike laid down his shovel, turned to Pat and said "Pat! Are you seeing what I'm seeing? A man of the Church, and he's giving that place his custom!" Just then, a Catholic Priest came down the street, looked to the left, looked to the right, and slipped into the bawdy house. Pat and Mike straightened up, removed their hats, and Mike says "Faith, and there must be somebody sick in there." ****** An American walks into an Irish pub and says, "I'll give anyone $100 if they can drink 10 Guinness's in 10 minutes." Most people just ignore the absurd bet and go back to their conversations. One guy even leaves the bar. A little while later that guy comes back and asks the American, "Is that bet still on?" "Sure." So the bartender lines 10 Guinness's up on the bar the Irishman drinks them all in less than 10 minutes. As the American hands over the money he asks, "Where did you go when you just left?" The Irishman answers, "I went next door to the other pub to see if I could do it." ******* Patrick and Murphy out fishing one day, when the motor dies completely. Patrick says to Murphy, "what are we going to do now?" Murphy replies, "we'll just have to wait for help." After two days they are 40 miles from the coast, but then Patrick spots a bottle. He opens it and out pops a genie who says he will grant them one wish. Quick as a flash, Patrick says, "Turn the sea into Guinness" and lo and behold, the sea is black with Guinness Murphy looks over at Patrick with anger in his eyes, saying, "You stupid ass, now we're a'gonna have to piss in the boat!"
This isn't a joke about Irishmen, but it's Irish humor anyway. This is an old one: You only have two things to worry about in life: Whether you're poor, or you're rich. If you're rich, you have nothing to worry about. If you're poor, you only have two things to worry about: Whether you're sick, or you are well. If you're well, you have nothing to worry about. If you're sick, you only have two things to worry about: Whether you're going to live, or you're going to die. If you're going to live, you have nothing to worry about. If you're going to die, you only have two things to worry about: Whether you're going to Heaven, or you're going to Hell. If you're going to Heaven, you have nothing to worry about. If you're going to hell, you have nothing to worry about because you'll be too busy shaking hands with all you're friends.
An Irishman is in a pub in scotland, and there is a bagpiper on stage. The bagpiper plays this long, haunting song and at the end the Irishman shouts out "Play Danny-boy". The bagpiper looks at him and asks, "what, again?" This is a really old one. An irish immigrant to America walks into a store and orders a egg-salad sanwich. The man behind the counter looks at him for a while, then he asks, "you're Irish, aren't you?" Right then and there the irish immigrant decided to lose his Irishness. He takes classes and loses his accent, he changes churches, he dyes his hair and then goes back to the store and demands an egg-salad sanwich, the man behind the counter says, "You're irish, aren't you?" the irish immigrant is flustered and asks, "How'd you know, i spent months getting the accent right?" the man behind the counter smiles and says "This, sir, is a hardware store."
So these three Irishmen finished cutting peat in the bog, and as usual they stepped onto the road and walked three abreast down the middle going home. Then this car comes around the bend, the driver sees the three guys walking down the middle of the road, hits the brakes, and steers off the road to miss hitting them, careering down the bank and into the peat bog where they three had just been working. Paddy turns white faced and says to his mates "geez, tank der lord we weren't still workin' when dat idiot came screaming 'round the bend!"
A few guys sit down in a pub and they get to talking to a man everyone calls O'Malley the Goat Fucker. Naturally, they're intrigued at such an absurd name and get to asking him how he got it. O'Malley sighs, takes a sip and says to the guys, "Well, ya see that bridge over there?" They all nod their heads. "We'll, I built that bridge.... brick fer brick, stone for stone. They don't call me O'Malley the Bridge Builder." The men look at one another, confused, then back at O'Malley. The irishman continues, "Now tell me, gentlemen... do ya see that church over there?" "Yeah." the men respond. "Well, I built that church," he says. "Brick fer brick, stone fer stone! They don't call me O'Malley the Church-Builder. But you fuck ONE goat....."
Two Irishmen are idling by the side of the road when a truckload of SOD comes around the bend. One says to the other: "Aye, there's a man with money; sends his lawn out to be mowed."
