what do ya think?

would very much appreciate anyone's input on the start of my story. This is all i've got written at the moment.

Grave's hollow was a small community in the eyes of the world, such as that is now. To me it was the world. My world, and nothing else existed outside of it. Of course I knew there was more outside. My father talked so often about the past. About places far away that sounded strange and alien to me. He talked of people whose way of living was completely different from the life we led at Grave's hollow. I supposed all those different cultures, as dad called them, didn't exist anymore. Nothing much does from that time. Hardly anything survived after the long winter.

When I was a little girl, my dad would send me to sleep with stories of how things used to be. He was a great storyteller. He told of buildings which were so high their tops got lost in the clouds. There were machines that let you talk to someone who was miles and miles away and carts that moved by themselves, driven by engines. I have seen some of those cars, battered and broken, but we have long since run out of the fuel that made them move.

However, what I found most fascinating is how many people there were in the world. Seven billion people. Sixty-five million people lived on our island alone. The island of Great britain as it was known. I cannot imagine what it was like to have so many people alive.

But the long winter changed all that.

I shall tell you the story as my father told me.

When my father was a young man, he was known as an eco-warrior. In those days there was need for people to speak out against the cruelty that the human race was forcing upon the natural world. Money was all that mattered to the majority of people and what you could buy with it. This selfish need was stripping the earth bare, but people were so seperated from the environment they lived in they didn't see or else chose to ignore the dangers. More and more houses were built everyday. Poisenous gases were released into the atmosphere and forests were cut down for growing farms to feed the ever increasing population of the planet. Father says it was the arrogance of the human race which led to it's downfall. Arrogance to presume that the world was there for them and not they there for it.

 

eh, it follows the oft-trodden "day after tommorow forumula"

feels cliche. u have to sap it up somehow. make it a twist, make it less predictable. i would like to see the main character not so liberal, more understanding to the plight of capitalists making money. not like wearing exxon shirts but at least make it a little less cliche "republican people who own cars destroyed the earth and now great britain is 65,000 people" ideas.

 

it's such a cool idea..and short enough to kind of summarise alot of issues in condensed form. Jojoe eyes is a CRITIC. btw, I'm sure he enjoyed your piece¬!

To me, when i read it, it felt as though this is a possibility of the future..as if you've cut through the fabric of time and retrieved a bit of the future. cut and paste like. I like that feeling.

 

oh i forgot to mention that i liked it lol.

yeah but definetely im the asshole here. if u just curve some stuff it would put a really different spin on it though...nice story wish it was mine.

 

Thanx for both of your input. It is abit cliche i know. This is a young girl i'm writing about and i was trying to show from the point of view of someone who's never experienced our modern world first hand. She obviously idolises her father and what other views would an eco-warrior have other than it was a capatalist society that destroyed the world?

 

dont make her such an eco warrior. i mean obviously the capitalist asses destroyed the world but probe deeper into it than just that. if i was writing the story it might be something like...

a differing additude, maybe not a capitalist, and dont even shove it into her entire personality but the occasional what harm can it do to stuff like littering and hunting.

i dont know. i just woke up. i'll rethink it later lol.




and you have really pretty eyes.

 

i was thinking as this is a world that is almost like starting over (There's no mains electricity, no communications etc) that she could be tempted by that easier, more power filled life, in the end ('cos we all should learn from ours and others mistakes) there may be a compromise. After all we could live a cleaner more sustainable lifestyle if everyone was of the same mind even now.

 

A nice idea but I suggest that you start with action and drip the explanation in as you go.

 

yeah, draw the line with her compromise, her being torn between the easier life that has before destroyed the planet or the high road. try to see things from the capitalist point of view when shes arguing pros and cons out to herself.

 

whats the pro about capitalism?

 

well if u understand the plight of the capitalist (wanting more money) than u can see it. but most people of either side wants to admit the other side may have a point.

 

The story's fine, but you need to spice it up a bit. Try adding a pinch of salt.

 

dollar dollar bill... etc... god I HATE money

 

love it. hate the fact that it runs our lives, but if it has to exist i want it hehe.

 

it doesnt run MY life. i count my change even if it's 2p, i'll think. right i have 2p

 

runs mine. down to five bucks right now but im gonna sell a dimebag to someone so i'll have a somewhat cash flow again.

haha whats ur aim. or do u guys even have aim over there.

 

My aim is usually between the eyes, or failing that the nuts is qute a good place.

 

i used to aim for the bar..but ive broadened my horizons considrably since then.

 

AOL Instant Messenger = AIM

hahahahahahaha

 

aha..well no then.lol