Its getting beyond a joke!

Ok, so I am 27 and I have never had a serious relationship! In fact I have only really had sex with one guy and that was like 11 years ago. Realising how pathetic that is was the easy part, knowing how to fix the problem is what I am having difficulty with!

I have signed up to online dating sites and talked to a few guys, but I alwasy seem to chicken out before I meet them so obvouisly thats never going to work for me, and eery guy I meet in real life turns out to be my 'best friend' and whilst Ilove my friends, I have to wonder if I am that physically repulsive that men will only ever want to be friends with me.

I know I am like hugely overweight and not exactly the most attractive person, but I see plenty of overweight, plain women out there with partners......I just wish I knew what the problem with me was!!

 

I'm not sure if this will help you or not, but I'll give you an honest opinion:

People love to say, "It's a person's personality that matters the most," and "looks don't matter," but there's a certain air of falseness around that.

In my eyes, the human being is made up of three parts: the body, the mind, and spirit. Some people interpret spirit to mean "soul" which includes personality, and is materially existant in some manner ... I prefer to interpret spirit in the same way as "essence," as in aura or feeling. For example, in the spirit of an activist: the phrase describes a person who is very active in politics and guerilla theatre. As in, what that person likes and is into, and dislikes and is against. How far they're willing to go with it; their personality and true nature.

If I'm looking for someone who I will be able to love and have a serious relationship with, I have to be able to love and appreciate them through all three parts of my being: the physical, the mental, and the spiritual.

The mental is easiest enough; we both have to be rational and, though we may not always agree on technical details, we think alike enough to be able to challenge eachother and get along at the same time.

The spiritual part deals with the person's personality ... a great way to look at finding a person compatible with you is as my friend Garrett likes to say ... "it's not what YOU'RE like, it's what YOU like." People who like the same things tend to have the same essence and aura of spirit around them ... stoners will be able to agree and share a passion with stoners, for example. A person who is into most of the same things that you are will probably have a similar spirit to you, which will make the two of you able to share many things in common.

And of course, the physical part is just as important as the other two ... the person has to be attractive. That by no matters means "120 lbs, blonde hair, blue eyes (or green or whatever you like), perfect," etc. Personally, I find someone physically attractive if they *take care of how they look.* You can be pretty overweight and still look good without makeup and all the superficial things ... taking care of your hair, taking the time to claim your body and turn it into what you want, and become someone who is attractive on the outside because of how they take care of their body. That being said, I have to admit my humanity and say that there are limits of course ... a person who is very overweight is going to be too overweight ... and since there are many ways to get rid of excess weight (with some effort), continuing to stay heavily overweight is not exactly taking care of how you look.

I want to say that I have a great deal of respect and admiration for people who used to be extremely overweight, but then had the dedication to actually do something about it. One of my best friends named Jon did that, and I have to give him mad props for it.

Only someone who is very misguided will say "looks don't matter as much as personality," because that's quite obviously far from the truth. The best that a person can do is embrace the truth, realize that 98% of us are not born pretty, and that we all have to work individually with ourselves in order to be attractive in all three aspects; neglecting one is like playing poker with thirds of a deck; you won't win.

 

I think self confidence is key...

If you love yourself...others will come to love you.

 

I used to be really skinny and had no luck with guys then either, so I am not convinced that it is completely a weight issue!

 

dating sites usually have regular meetings in the city
get yourself down there
if you are looking for some sort of relief you'll get it!
i'm sure you'll find that you will be approached despite what you think of yourself
go with another person to suss out the situation, follow some personal safety guideline.
before you become their friend make sure you get what you need!!!!

 

Tell yourself youre worthy to have a partner every day.
Build on your own personality and your self confidence.
Get a new haircut, buy new clothes, lose some weight if you wish. These will all help you to feel better in yourself and so make you more confident and therefore more attractive.
Find yourself more hobbies...join up with clubs, go back into education in some form, travel alone to exotic loctaions this will increase your chances of meeting people with similar interests to you, and also be fun.
Also, tell yourself regularly that you dont NEED a relationship. That youre fine on your own, but that it would be quite a nice bonus, and one that you deserve, to have a partner
Oh, and exercise. Cant be underestimated. Walk regularly. This will make your body healthy and happy while makin you feel good too.

Love-Maxi.Xx

 

hhehe..
i think (damn i had good thought.. and its gone now.. )
I mean there has to be chemisrty..
like i have had situations, as theres a man im talking to and it makes my knees really soft.. and the men is not even beautiful or sexually atractive.. there is just something that makes you flirt and do ugly things, or makes you shy about them..

 

I am pretty comfortable with myself, actually I am pretty happy with who I am at the moment, I do have issues with my wieght, but my weight was largely due to a medical condition which I now have under control, so hopefully that will all fall away soon enough.

I am a really active person, I am at the gym at least 3 times a week and always out walking and playing with the dog - so its not like I am a fat slob that sits around eating all day. I know that I am a funny, intelligent, kind person and that I am definatly worthwhile loving, but yet I have still (even when I was thin) never had any luck with men! I am not shy, I am really outgoing in most situations, maybe I am overbearing and that is the problem??

Is it possible that I am too friendly and that is why I only ever end up being the 'friend' or 'one of the boys'?? Cos with several of my friends I have had the 'should we or shouldn't we' conversation and it always comes back to them telling me that they don't want to risk losing me as a friend for some sex......I always figured that was a nice way to say fuck off your ugly and I would never screw you!

 

Hmm ... if you haven't had any luck while thinner, you might want to look at one of the non-physical parts (from my view).

One thing that ties into the "spirit" or "essence/aura" part of a person is confidence. Granted it's hard to be confident if you don't get much (and hey, I don't get much either, so perhaps you shouldn't take my advice too seriously), but I have noticed that it's a lot easier if you're just very upbeat and confident, and outgoing.

If you have one of those "should we or shouldn't we" conversations, just say "yes, we should" and be done with it. Or, look for a friend with benefits if you aren't looking for a serious relationship.

If you think about it ... a serious relationship is largely just an exclusive best friend with benefits.

 

I think its probably best to give up then!

 

Hey don't give up. There are so many people who are all different weights who can't seem to find anyone.
What's funny is when you do lose weight and get to what you want to look like then everyone will be jealous of you and think you are a bitch etc.
People will always have some crap to say about others no matter what you look like or weight. Get out and take some workshops or classes in some things you like or are interested in. Then you will also meet other people who are into the same things as you. See what happens. Just be who you are and that's all anyone can be in life. Also Don't frown too much-you never know who might be falling in love with your smile. Peace The Wiz

 

I mean, its really depressing to think that I may not be as nice as I think I am and that is why men don't like me!

 

I am going to tell you something that my best friend taught me: how you see yourself is how others see you; if you have a low self confidence, men will sense that and stay a thousand feet away from you; a lack of self confidence usually goes hand in hand with clinginess, and people don't like that.

 

It's been two years since i've been with a women,and i've given up trying.i'm just
geting on with life and if somthing comes along well thats great but i'm not going to get hung up about it because there somone out there for everyone just wait and see.

 

I feel your pain - but after 27 years I don't see the point in even leaving my hosue anymore

 

okay my advice:

not touching on the weight issue, because i don't think that's it. you seem confident and outgoing enough from what you've said, and you've had plenty of friends (right?) so you have a good personality.

soooo.... reading this i was thinking: what do i see in men that i want to date that i don't see in men whom i don't want to date.... and basically it's a matter of chemistry and sexuality. for me, i have to know that the guy wants me. or at least have a hint of it.. but not overtly. there has to be a balance between knowing he wants me (or hoping he does?) through eye contact, smiles, those "looks" you give ppl you're lusting after. hehe, frankly, the difference between friendship and dating is sex right? (very generally speaking of course) wanting to kiss that person wanting to be naked with them, hold their hand be close to them...
anyway, my point is.... you have to show men that you're interested too! flirt! tell a dirty joke, but blush and look away (so as not to seem TOO overbearing or oversexualized) think about sex during everyday things(i swear to you sexuality emanates from ppl) yeah... embrace your sexuality, your desirability. i have known plenty of unnattractive and bitchy women (by society's standards, and well.. by most ppl's standards) who have had PLENTY of partners, so i'm convinced looks and personality just aren't that important to get laid.

yeah.. hopefully this doesn't come out confusing... i really just wanted to say you should stretch your flirting muscles get out there and practice and pretend you're putting on a show until you do find somebody you really want to date...

 

hmmm... this is interesting. it sounds to me like you are just too friendly, and perhaps not sexy, sassy enough. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being friendly and having a good sense of humor, outgoing, etc. But it really sounds like these guys that you meet really aren't into you as girlfriend material or a sexual partner because you don't exactly portray yourself as sexual. I have a good friend who has the same problem with guys.

Personally, I like you and I've just read a few posts, but I'm a gal, and well I have a boyfriend, so I'm afraid I'm not much help. But I don't think that it is your weight, and I don't think it is your confidence, and from what I can tell you have a decent personality. You just should show more of your sexual side sometimes. That could help when guys see you being sexy, they will think of sex. LOL.

Good luck,
Jen

 

Ok, so I think I found the problem!!

I started flirting with a really good male friend of mine and well....lets jsut say he has suddenly become very interested (he is out of town at the moment so we can't exactly act on it) and apparently has been interested since the day we met!!

Oh well, alot to be said for the power of flirtation I guess!

 

lol
GOOD GURL