Leaving You leave. As morning dissolves, In exodus toward the dawn. I stand. Still gazing at your words, Racing down the lonely stretch. My mind. Swimming in an ocean of diurnal malaise. There is no comfort in coffee, No solitude in dreams, No peace without you.
dude, no offense, but your punctuation is screwed up. You start out "you leave." but then continue the sentense after the period. When I mentally remove the punctuation though, the poem is quite good. Here's how I'd punctuate it.
i think its purdy you can do everything with the words.. they dont have to be even having a sense.. its purdy poem
i don't think that it is cool to correct someone's poetry unless they ask you for it. i loved his poem of "leaving" by pagansrule. why put him down for writing what he feels from his heart. i don't believe in critiquing. a few years ago i took a poetry class from a very uptight and abusive instructor. she tore everything i wrote apart. and what was amazing is that i had been published for my poertry and won awards so many times before. i dropped the class, who needs that kind of humiliation? i was lucky, while getting my degree, that i had an incredible writing instructor that taught us freestyle writing and poetry,not to worry about punctuation and spelling, just put down your true feelings, what a wonderful and enlightening experience and that is how i write today as a free-lance writer, i can always go back and tighten up my work if it is going to be published. let your poetry roll off of your soul and your mind dear pagansrule hippiewise angel
i actually like your punctuation in that it seems to accentuate the mind, the standing, the leaving....and then there is a thought to back up each of those... i hate leaving...its the hardest thing for me to do when i have to leave my lover and return to the rest of the world...or when a lover exits my life, whether for moments or for eternity.... its hard being attached to another...
Thank you for your positive reviews, but I'm not offended by what TrippinBTM wrote. In fact I enjoy constructive criticism, its part of being a mature writer. Take the positive with the negative and utilize both to improve your work.
Poor punctuation conveys the point(s) far less easily. I get that he wants to accentuate the words in each stanza's first line. But that's what the line breaks are for. If language is a poet's medium, like a painter's paints, shouldn't one know how to use it? Punctuation is part of language and should be used well. hippiewise, you're right, you shouldn't worry about it when you're writing...but it's part of the polishing of a poem, so it says what you want how you want. And I wasn't putting him down for it, and I didn't tear him down. In fact I can't recall one of his poems that I didn't like. I just pointed out that the punctuation didn't seem to work.
this is why i dont post my stuff here cause people love to tear other peoples writings apart whether it be punctuation or basically anything really... if its someone elses writings, what does it matter if you dont like the way its laid out or how its written..again, this is why i dont post stuff here....
i have a thing about punctuation...... basically,,,, use it exactly how you like.... break the rules... becuase punctuation sucks.. and shouldn't even come into poetry.... you say it how you say it. i guess it can help, a poem... but not damage it, just becuase it's not 'right' there is no 'right'
getting a little angry are we? its not that its tearing someone down, it was really pointless what you stated, i mean, its their writing/poem ya know, I dont think responding with... he didnt even ask really... and thats not what I call constructive criticism...
Well, if you dont want people to respond to your poems, then say so. Otherwise, read the responses with an open mind. I posted my reaction to his poem; a suggestion for making it read better. Or should I only post glowing praise?
hmmm, someone should pull that stick out from your ass...usually you are pretty nice but id have to say you are having one of those not so fresh days huh.. you can state what you like, but others cant state responses to what you say? i was just giving my opinion...no need to get angry about the whole thing and defensive...besides his punctuation had nothing to do with his poem or anything, so therefore I think you shouldnt have even said anything cause it doesnt matter really..
First, sorry to pagansrule! for hijacking his thread. Second, punctuation IS part of the poem, and does have a lot to do with it. That's like saying punctuation has nothing to do with this paragraph. It's there to help me get my point across more clearly. Third, I'm getting defensive because every time I try to offer advice or a critique, people get all upset and start saying "I don't know why you think you can tear this poem down." If all we ever posted was "wow, great poem," not only would this forum become pointless and boring (at least, threads would be pointless beyond the first post, that being the poem), but we'd also never learn anything or become better poets. I don't just want sycophants replying to my poems, and though perhaps I shouldn't assume others would agree, this is a public forum and by posting you should expect all sorts of responses. I would think people would want honest replies, I know I do, otherwise I'm better off not posting. I can pat myself on the back just fine by myself. Lastly, my first post may have sounded a bit abrasive, but I didn't intend it that way. Besides, the poem itself was very good, I just had a point to make about the punctuation which is really a trivial manner, as part of the polishing phase.
I have to disagree with you on your first comment...but people do disagree on things, its the beauty of life... I was just stating my thoughts on the post you posted, that is all... I'm not saying that people need to lick eachothers bums on here, but you sounded a bit harsh and complaining about punctuation, which to me is pretty petty... but im not big on it when i read peoples works cause it doesnt interfere with how i view it... I dont comment much on peoples works, I just read it and think of it what I will... You just cant make a comment and expect others to agree with you, again you are complaining about what you yourself did, ya know..Because like you said others have different opinions, then maybe you should realize that yourself and not get over excited when others share theirs with you...ya know.. and pagansrule sorry for sidetracking your thread... But I did like your poem and thought it was really good...
Like the poem! It's got good thematic progression, and that last stanza was particularly powerful. I do agree with Trippin on the punctuation though; it broke the flow when I was reading it, and took away from the experience... a couple of clever shifts would completely change the poem, and still have the same effect, imo. Sorry your thread got kinda hijacked there, but gotta admit, it is a pretty good debate! However, I shall respectfully remain on the sidelines. Thanks for sharing your work, it was enjoyed
You are all pardoned, I just wish that you would stop coming down on TrippinBTM for his honest approach to reviewing poetry, his is among the miost original poetry I have ever read.
