Please help me...

4 months ago I made the biggest mistake of my life and left my fiancee.
I was so depressed and desperate, my job was a complete nightmare, I was never at home with my partner to love her, she couldn't find a job as a nurse after a stressful 3 year course, money was tight and I felt like I was about to break down completely... I never took the time to sit with her and talk about my problems and fears, I just took the opportunity to text her after going out that we are finished and I will come by and pick my stuff up the next day... Yes ! I sent a fucking text on her mobile phone... I was numb, couldn't think at all, got my gear and left the most beautiful woman in the whole wide world at a time she needed me the most...
I handed in my notice at work and flew to Spain to stay with my sister for 3 weeks. On returning I went to see my heartbroken lady only to tell her what a great time I had, the truth was, I sat on the rocks in Spain, looking out to sea in desperation, not really knowing what I'd done...
It only took about a month or so to pick myself up enough to face the reality of what I'd done... The promises I had always made her were broken and the sheer way I let her know with no warning... All this to a lady who suffered badly in the past from partners that were abusive wankers and really hurt her... I had always been so honest and loyal to her, It's my nature to love all that is beautiful...
In our 14 months together, she wasn't just a wonderful lover but my soul mate and friend... In her words " Our love had become spiritual", the love we made was incredible, but all this wasn't enough for me to stop and realise what I was doing... I held her so preciously in my arms and let her go.
That my friends is the hardest thing to bare and I don't know if I can carry on

 

You can carry on with the knowlege that life goes on, both hers and yours.

You "not carrying on" so to speak if w are taking suicide would be the biggest hit to her. On top of everything else she will feel the reason for you killing yourself.

What you CAN do is START being there for her again. we are all human, we all make misstakes. theres no booklets about how to act upon our feelings, so we act on impulse.

You have to remember the relationship for the amazing times you shared else your memories will be tainted.

 

As fleassy said, you can start to pick up some of the pieces and get them working again. That will help both you and her. How are you feeling about the break up? Is it a complete mistake, or are you glad in some way that you are not in the relationship anymore?

Sitting and letting the feelings of regret and depression wash over you is alright for a little while, but at the end of the day you need to step out of the mind-numbing depression shower and get changed into some new beginnings.
Are you talking to her at the moment? Maintain the communication. You said that you were soul mates and your love is spiritual. This could be, if you want it to be, a good test in the spirituality of the friendship. May be you will remain just friends. But friends are truly valuable and just because your relationship isn't as it was before, who knows how things will turn out. Embrace the bond you have and try to keep at least a little bit of communication.
Sorry if anything i said doesn't make sense... You're welcome to pm me if you need anyone to rant to about the situation.
Love,
Sunny
xxx

 

First off, if yer bike is a BSA, Norton or Triumph, send it.

 

Thank you Fleassy and SunshineLily, you have made me stop & think and more importantly you have echoed many of my thoughts.. It's difficult for me at the moment because I don't know anybody I could let it all out to and tell it as it is, so that's why I posted this thread. Thank you to all that read it.
There's been developments.. I sent a text to her, wishing her well, I got a reply to say she still loves me, so I called her to find a very "squiffy" Stephanie telling me to come over & spend the night! This hit me for 6, so I got to her place - quick as... We kissed & hugged and talked to 5.30 in the morning...It felt weird, I was shocked this was happening, she was there in front of me in all her glory...I just hope I made sence to her with what I said, simply because I was awestruck by her beauty.
We just cuddled up and went to sleep and awoke just as normal, with cups of tea...What happened ? Surely I should be feeling so excited by seeing her ? So I went shopping & cooked her a really crap breakfast...Which made me feel useless, think I was tired ? But the end of it is, if we are to try again then it's going to take a long time for her to see that I'm true and to trust me again.
A few days pass and I'm worried, I keep thinking the worst as I received texts quoting the song - Bad Day by Daniel Powter..."You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost" and a text saying that she's a tough cookie and fine on her own and that we stay in contact as friends...? The thoughts that are going on in my head now are screwing me up big time, am I going to have my prayers answered, only to find them smashed on the rocks ??
I'm just going to hang in there and try & bring magic back to her life...I'm going to tidy her garden on Friday as a surprise when she gets home, then turn up at a gig she's going to in Norwich on Saturday and sing Patience by Guns N' Roses to her in the bands interlude ! Will let you know how it goes... Please tell me if you think what i'm doing is crazy. Or is it because she's an Aries ? They do survive well on their own but crave romance from a knight in shining armour.

 

hi spiritualbiker, i read your sad and heart warming post about losing your love. i think that if you sent her that whole post that you wrote about how you feel about her, it would show her where you were at when you left. just be her friend and become the man that you want to be and she deserves, never forget to re-read that post many times so you don't hurt her again. good luck you are in my prayers, be strong and keep on keepin on, work on your spiritual side and stay positive. i also have regrets that i think of but i can't change them i can only be the best person that i can to not hurt anyone anymore like i have in the past.

be strong my brother
hippiewise

 

*sigh* i hope you both make it up and be more happier and stronger than you both were before take her to paris

 

Hey good people...Friday went well, I tidied Stephanie's rather sad looking garden and managed to get loads of lovely logs for her home fire. She came home cold & tired that evening, but then saw her garden and I made a fantastic fire to warm her cottage through, this together with a CD I put together with her favorite music on really picked her up.. I felt good too as it was just a little gesture of kindness that I thought of doing for her and with the weather so cold now, she was toastie warm all weekend... I'm going to see her again soon & take my guitar as she's learning to play, so I'll take a bottle o' wine, chocolates and my new song with me for a wicked evening.
Just doing little things like this will hopefully make her see that I love her soooo much and the "magic" will certainly come back...

 

yer awesome pal
nice to read sumthing like this. you should show her this thread and then she will figure out how much you actually care Good luck

 

Hello again lovely people; I must say that I have found out how deep my love is for this lady through the separation..I couldn't live without her love but a miraculous occurance happened and I have seen Stephanie a lot recently. I have been trying to show her how much I care with acts of kindness and little gifts over the past few days that have made her so happy... We have had cuddles, kisses, fun, laughter and good conversation, although avoiding "our love" as a subject..This has been wonderful, don't get me wrong, but I have always hoped it will lead to us getting back together sometime... I have exchanged messages with her tonight that indicate that she wants me only as a friend, that she wants me to look to her for help in the future if I need advice on a new partner and could I guide her with advice if she finds someone else...The answer is simple...If I can't have her love then I don't want anybody elses, my heart would be shattered beyond belief if she found another lover..
I don't know what to do now, other than be tearful...

If you love someone, let them go, for if they return, they were always yours..
And if they don't, they never were...

 

im telling you, you shoulkd text her the link to this forum, and she should read it all, then she will know how much you love her. Couse she might not believe that you really do... so as you are asking help here and talk from your heart, so she should understand it.. give it a try

 

Hey beautiful people, thank you also Batmannu for your kind words...You are lovely, you are.. Aaargh! This is getting confusing and painful for me. I've just spent the last few days with Stephanie, we've been out for a meal, sat chatting by her log fire surrounded by candles, drinking wine and just enjoying our company together...This has taken me back to the time we were lovers..And how fantastic it was. She tells me now we could never be lovers again, she wont be able to trust me and wants to meet and fall in love with someone from a fresh and then go on to marry them, dressed in white in a lovely old church...This broke me into pieces right in front of her, with tears & words of love pouring from me, pleading with her to let me be the one she loves, marries and grows old with... I didn't want to be overbearing on Steph for fear of her shutting me out of her life again, so settled back down and said I will love her as a friend as much as I did as a lover, and if she is to ever change her mind, I will be there for her with open arms..
I had texts from her last night questioning why I left my ex-partner who loved me dearly, and now I left her, who loved me so much...Am I playing games..Do I always want what I can't have??? Nooooo, what happened in my past died years ago, I then fell head over heels in love with Stephanie only to be worn down by a demanding job, horrible people, no money and a overwhelming feeling of failure to her... I broke down big time, I had never been there before and couldn't cope, I so needed her love, but felt numb and useless, not knowing what to do-so I left her..
I'm still recovering day-by-day, but know now exactly what she means to me and how much endless love I have for her...The hardest part is living with the guilt of leaving and hurting someone so beautifull........The pain I'm going through is excruciating

 

I've read most of the replies that you have got, and it makes me smile to see the warm and generous hearts that people have on Hip Forums.

If I was your ex, I would be just as or even more suspicious and doubtful as she is, in fact I don't think I would let you over the doorstep. Your lady didn't have access to all what was going on inside your head, so I can totally understand that she may at the moment think that you are playing games.

If you are going to win her back, then you must be prepared that this will take a long time, and that you are going to be putting in a lot of work, both physically and emotionally. Make sure that you really do want her back before you embark on this, that you haven't build up an image of her in your mind that she can't live up to in reality during your period of absence. It sounds like this lady has been hurt before and the last thing she needs is to let down her defences and be hurt again.

However if you are sincere, then I honestly think you stand a good chance. If you are prepared to be there as a special friend for her, well that is a rare and valuable thing to have in life, and I wish you well.

 

Moominmamma, thank you for enlightening me with your wisdom...It's quite amazing that you and many others have said words that are so incredibly accurate, as if you have known us personally...There are other issues I am facing at the moment, like no job or career prospects and bugger all money. This is bringing me down even further and I put on a brave face when I have seen Stephanie recently.
I must say I'm not the most tactful of people, it takes me a while to prepare for what I have to say, often bottling things up inside...This combined with Stephanies very sensitive and guarded nature, together with being very intelligent and having an excellent memory for things I have said in the past, makes for a challenging relationship, something I have forgotten since we've been apart. Please don't get me wrong, I have never treated her badly, I have so much respect for her and everything on this planet, I am very sincere and will do absolutely anything to help anyone, it's me trying to prove my worth as at times I feel a useless waster.
If I could get myself a good career, earn good money and settle down in some place of my own, I would be very happy... Having Steph by my side to love & be loved by her would to me be the greatest happiness of existence.
I really don't know what to do for the best so appreciate any advice you wonderful people can give me.

 

hey, hows it going? have you shown her the posts here?

 

Hey enigma & other good people..It's been a while so I thought I'd fill you in on what's been happening... I've picked myself up, started being creative again and I'm full of fantastic ideas, thanks to a wonderful occurance last Saturday...I got a text message from Stephanie who was feeling very low during the day and going out at night to try & cheer herself up. I tried to cheer her up with my words of kindness & love and I think this had a dramatic effect, as about 11pm I received a text asking me to get over to her house as soon as I could...Thing is, I was at a friends house dressed up as Darth Vader, doing a video shoot...No problem, I jumped in my car & headed to Steph's as fast as I could...With my lightsaber in hand & full costume on, I knocked at her door...The surprise was fantastic ! I flung my arms around her but couldn't turn the deep breathing effect off on the mask !!! This was hilarious, we couldn't do anything for ages but laugh extatically...But then we looked at each other and knew how much we are missing each other, so It happened...The flames of love and passion were probably the cause of igniting the fire at the oil refinery on Sunday morning !!!
There just aren't enough words to say how much I love my Stephanie...She knows this now as we talked and talked over the weekend...The words were right from my heart and I felt good. We now have all the time in the world to take our relationship to the highest of high's, I have so much respect for her and understanding, there is no way EVER I will break her heart again..It still shocks me to tears that I left her the way I did...She is beautiful, we have so much in common, I just love listening to her, I'm funny again, she's funny again, we've been Christmas shopping in Norwich and we feel so much closer now... I now must concentrate on what I want to do for a living so one day I can help buy us our dream cottage by the sea and live happily ever after together...I so want to marry Stephanie one day, in a traditional Pagan Handfasting way...That means we are then bound together for eternity..Wow what a thought !
I must thank everybody who gave me kind words of help and advice, I had no one else to turn to for help, then stumbled upon this forum, swallowed my pride and poured my heart out for all to read...The kindness of you lovely people will be in my thoughts this Christmas and a wish made for you all. Thank you for being there.
Peace, Love & Light - Darren X

 

aww, thats so lovely

 

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear...What was supposed to be the best Christmas I've ever had, turned out to be the saddest, most heartbraking time for me...
Here's what happened; If you have read all the previous posts here, then things appear to be working out for me & Stephanie in a refreshing new way, so what better time of year to show how much I love & adore her by bringing Magic & light to her life..
The run up to Christmas has been so much fun, we had re-kindled our love together, taking our time and everything felt right..
With Stephanie on her first months pay, I stocked her up with fire wood and coal for her cottage, put icicle lights on the thatch roof, bought a portable gas fire for instant heating and fixed her car when it broke down the other day after going to her rescue in the Fen's of Cambridgeshire...She was so happy with what I'd done and truly greatful for all my help...I was only too pleased to help her. I did so much more, besides, that I wont bore you with..
I had searched far & wide for perfect, beautiful presents to give her, some so unique, I knew how touched she would be... I bought her a Star ! Yes, a real star !! I named it after her and chose it from the Princess constillation in our night sky...I got a beautiful scroll in a box full of tinsel and little silver stars, with all the details on it of her own personal star...Wow, I couldn't wait to give it to her..So She took my car (more reliable) and I took hers, repaired it and cleaned 2 months of fenland dirt from it, even put a new tyre on as she had a puncture..
So with all her presents beautifully wrapped, I drove over to her on Christmas Eve night..
I was so excited, I had gifts galore, a plan and a Santa suit !! I'd give her just a couple of little gifts, then in the small hours, go to my car, get dressed as Santa and place her gift filled stocking at the end of her bed....What happened? This is so painful for me...
She'd been drinking most of the evening, I couldn't help notice that something was wrong, I felt distant from her...We talked and I reasured her that all her other little problems would work out fine (trouble with CSA) and the New Year would see her shine and be so happy with all my love and support...Then she just started to get at me for leaving her back in the Summer; we talk things through inteligently and never row, I was trying my very best to explain again, how I felt back then and the reasons why I left and just how big a mistake I made...I fully understand how hurt she felt and still feels, through my own pain and heartache...The accusations were getting more & more hurtful towards me...No matter what I said seemed to calm her...All I wanted to do is stop her, calm her and show her my love & magic to make her smile...My little surprise for her was never to happen... In pure desperation and frustration, with tears pouring down my face, I stubbed my cigarette out in her ashtray a bit too hard & broke it.... That was it, she blew up big time, cursing at me to get out of her house & go.... I had been drinking too, so couldn't drive home or go to a friends, so sat outside in the frosty night air completely devastated, my heart felt like it had been ripped from my body, my hopes & dreams had been smashed at this wonderful time of year.... I had put my heart & soul into trying to make this a special time for us both...
Little I could do but spend the night in my car and left to go home at first light, just as you could hear the laughter of children in neighbouring houses, waking up to stockings full of wonderful presents...
I am lost and in pain....My Christmas ruined by someone that I thought loved me.
When you love someone as much as I love Stephanie, all my saved up wishes started to be used...I spread my dreams beneath her feet, to ask her if she would only tread softly because she would be treading on my dreams...
Merry Christmas

 

poor dude..
I guess she was just way too drunk. I guess she is going to think about it.. and she will realize what she had done.
I wish you good luck and lil happyness into yer christmas!
Merry Christmas

 

I'm with Batmannu on this one, she was drunk, and Christmas is a funny old time of year, you know........lots of expectations and the dredging up of dissapointments, stuff tends not to go how you expect unless you're still in the magic of childhood......give her time to sober up and calm down and maybe you can still celebrate that star together.