PLEEAAASASSSSEEEE READ I think this may be my best

I've been workin on this poem forever, it seemed like it COULD be done, but it was missing something
and I think I finally got it, and I think this may be one good ass poem
but I am a lil overexcited for finishing it maybe
anyways, check it

I: Out Come Hopeless Whimpers
“H-h-h-h” I spit as I cry,
“H-h-how? Where? Who? Why?”
I weep as the light closes with the door
There, I weep on the bare wooden floor

II: The Dreams Fade as I Wake
I wonder how is it that none of these vivid memories are true
All the wonderful times, all of the great fun, all of the warm love
But most of all the beautiful, immaculate image I had of you
Turns out it was purely superficial, and although so sweet,
The true, the honest, the bitter I still have yet to meet
Would I really want to though? I don't think I even know...

Concepts of reality now choke the once passionate fire
And as darkness sweeps away the overwhelming light,
I realize all the feelings felt were fallacies, masked in desire
Slowly I begin to feel part of my past, part of me die
The sorrow takes over, it forces me to breakdown and cry
There I am pouring out tears, succumbing to my worst fears

III: Then I Dance with Temptation
He saw me drinkin' my dinner away and knew my story
I felt him as he walked form out the smoke into the dim light
He offered me his services, told me “you don't want it gory”
I explained to him that I wasn't sure, I did not know
Because just before all of this I truly did love her so
“I understand, for you are deeply scarred. Here, take my card”

IV: I Hear the Hollow Vengeance
As I drop the empty bottle and light a cigarette, I shake
The whiskey and the nicotine have helped numb the pain
But I have made one more friend that will mend my heartbreak
The ember lingers on down, and as I exhale I know it is time
I reach down into my pocket and slowly pull out my nine
Off of it shines a streak of light, with that begins the night

My heart is still as I realize what I sought is not what I have gotten
The blood spatter is not as vivid as it was back in the dreams
And though it is now numb, the pain will never be forgotten
At least when I was wounded I could have my sorrow
But now I am left as blank as my scar, underneath I am hollow
And all I can do is ask, what will be the result of this task?

Will God reward me for the demon I did slay?
The seductive succubus that ripped out my heart
Will radiant angels come down and carry my soul away?
Let me from this horrible world finally part
Or will he side with Satan and condemn me to stay?

V: Felt are the Flames Called Regret
“I can't blame him, she's so beautiful
plus, he did not know.
But she... she's a demon, an evil witch
and she just has to go”

I thought that then, but now I realize what I have done
There is no justification, there was no devil overcome
She was just human, her seduction was no spell
A human corpse, just as I, and for that I burn in hell

 

duck i'll try and come on later today or tomorrow and comment but i havent slept at all and need to attempt some homework! just so you know i plan on commenting...

 

k, thanks

 

duck i think it is very good. i am a poet also and enjoy just writing and not wondering how it will be percieved, your writing is good cause it tells your truth as you see it, that's what i find interesting. i don't believe in disecting poetry, just let it flow and grow.
hippiewise

 

well thank you
but actaully alot of my poetry is from other perspectives
characters inside me that I speak for
so it's the truth as a part of me sees it really

 

I feel this is a very heavy strong piece, powerfully written duck. It's not stagnant but alive.

 

Yeah, pretty good man. I like that it tells a story, and also rhymes (rhyme poems seem rare around here).

 

i think its really good. kind of atrocious and intelligent. it reminds me of my dad...and parts of me that ive found.. at times when in pain of loss or desire, and the strange mentalities that surface.

its scary to read beucase its so raw and honist. and i guess its that 'dark place' of our soul we dont like to admit to. the kind of lengths we consider to get our ends...yeah..frightening!

 

ps.. the end where he realises the people involved are human is a great touch.. it makes the whole thing seem terribly tragic though.

 

Keramptha
tahnk you for the compliments, I am glad you enjoyed it

 

Man,what a great story that you wove! Thank you. I certainly didn't see where it was going to go when I started reading.

 

cool, I was hopin to have that affect on some people
I figure lots of people will kinda guess where it's goin but not be completely sure

 

I just expanded it a lil

damn, I dunno if this thing will ever just be finished

 

*bump*

 

Loved it,it takes you down to the desperation of a person in pain.The end was definately tragic,we never truly know what we want until we see completely beyond the mirage.

 

bumpity bump bump