How to form a successful garage-rock band by Pressed Rat

Oh boy! I feel like this is about six months to a year too late. I am crossing my fingers and hoping the garage-rock revival trend still has a little more steam left in it.

Unfortunately, I have only now just perfected my garage band success formula.

Starting tomorrow, I will be canvassing all the summer schools across the state. By the end of the summer, I should have most of the Northeast covered. What I will be doing is handing out flyers to the kids who have the "right look." For one, they must be under 140 lbs. They should either look slightly malnourished, or in the pits of a heroin addiction - this is very important. They also need to have the right hair.

My ultimate goal is to become the Lou Pearlman of garage bands. For less than $500 an hour, high school teens can pay me to counsel them about the rigors of the music industry. We will discuss the music, the right look, and fashions. And most importantly, the attitude which every successful garage band possesses.

The following are just some of the things that will be covered in my sessions. Keep in mind, these are sessions for potential garage band superstars only.

Music:

1) Master Iggy Pop's 'Lust For Life.' At least 7 of the standard 10 songs on your album should feature only slight variations of that song's rhythm.

2) Start off the song with lyrics that are really profound and original; perhaps "Baby 1,2,3 tell me how's it gonna be" or "Baby, oo oo, baby oo." This sounds very retro, therefore, cool.

Or, just sound really stoned and sort of drool into the microphone. The effect this produces is nothing short of mind-blowing. Teenaged girls between the ages of 14 and 18 have been known to swoon to these antics, and you will sell many records. Carson Daly will then invite you to play on "Last Call."

3)Sing like Lou Reed or Iggy Pop.

Style:

1) Dress vintage. You can't expect to be in a successful garage band if you don't wear faded, vintage t-shirts that are three sizes too small. Tight pants are also a must. Try dressing like the Velvet Underground, or the guys in the Stooges. Those guys in the Strokes are especially hip dressers.

2)The hair is very important. You should model your hairstyle after Julian Casablancas of THE Strokes, or that dude from THE Vines. That is if you can't master Iggy Pop's mid-70's hairstyle.

3) When you make your first video for MTV, make sure that the final product looks as vintage as possible. It should be shot in a room where the primary colors are orange and brown.

Bring in a smoke machine so the room looks smokey and all 70's and retro and stuff.

Of course vintage furniture is also a must. Hell, just shoot the video in a vintage living room, circa 1973.

In the video, either thrash around like Iggy Pop, or clench the microphone stand like you're using it for balance as a result of drinking too many whiskey sours.

When you sing, perhaps look wide-eyed towards the ceiling, as if in a trance.

Attitude:

1) Give inarticulate interviews. Don't use big words.

2) Appear onstage drunk at least 3 times on any given tour schedule.

3) Find the right photographer. Take pictures in a New York City alley. The entire band should be dressed in primarily black colors. Make sure a picture of the lead singer is taken posing with a cigarette in his hand, giving the camera a sort of squinty, "badass" rocker look.

Unfortunately, this is all I can share for free at the moment.

If you're looking for advice, I am available for a price. E-mail me if interested.

 

Great post, P_R. I applaud you. I laughed out loud as soon as I saw the thread title.


In addition to The Stooges and Lou Reed, I'm hearing a lot of ACDC in some of these new bands.

I just wonder when the hair band revival will begin. It's inevitable. In no time you'll turn on the radio and hear a song and be like, "Man, this sounds like an even dumber version of Slaughter or Nelson."

 

Pressed rat, I have long suspected you of being a genius. This cements it.

 

I really would like to marry you Matt. So if you every decide that you want to settle down with a nice girl like myself, you just give me a call.

Unfortunately, I look just like one of these retro band members that you are making fun of. I have the right hair and the right style, even if I'm not a boy

 

Hell, I even have the 70's room with the oranges and the browns and the olive greens. I should be in one of those bands!

 

Don't forget the designer clothing!
Before you do all this shit, make sure you can actually contribute to a band. The music comes first, the fashion later. It's your last priority.

 

You forgot the garage man. My friend has an actual vintage garage band garage, if you want to rent it out.

 

Matt, thank you so much for all the great pointers! I know now if i follow those ill succeed no matter what. and i owe it all too you man. thanks

 

Amen, brother.

Music has become a caricature of itself, a joke without a punch line. The rock is formulaic; the hair is formulaic; the clothes are formulaic; the lyrics are predictable; the press releases are pathetic hype; and the live shows are execrable. The only entertainment is watching the fans in the mosh pit slam each other until the blood and teeth go flying.

To get noticed among the ten thousand carbon copies of themselves, a band is offered the "privilege" of paying to play an "exclusive" venue. The band is offered the "privilege" of paying up to $25 a month to have their songs featured on "happening" sites. If they get a record deal, they'll be advanced a loan which they have the privilege of paying back for the next 15 years or until they file for bankruptcy, or -- like two members of Badfinger -- they simply commit suicide and be done with it.

This is your music business; this is what your fantasy looks like when you remove the wig and makeup. If puppetry, con-artistry, and mimicry are your bag, by all means go for it......

 

I suppose I'll have to settle for being the girlfriend on the side with the love child Matt denies having.

 

man, if Matt was only a girl...

 

who likes 60's garage rock ?

 

omg pressedrat is still alive....

 

hmm i guess my band Outhouse Moan will have to stick to darkened bars, we only own carports.

 

That was a great post Matt! I enjoyed reading it, really funny