An open letter to our dear friend Dear Alcohol, First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holidays, hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences: 1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night? 2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a kebab, a butter chicken curry along with a sausage with cheese, onion and mustard (washed down with WINE & & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few sweet chilli and sour cream red rock chips)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time. 3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock. 4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin)prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities. Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership. Thank you, Signed:
Dear troubled drinker... I am saddened to read of your issues with our relationship and would like to shed some light on your points. 1. Phone calls- If you had drank the amounts I have been suggesting you would be out cold by 2 a.m. and incapable of dialing your phone let alone carry on any intelligible conversation. That game of beer pong at 11:30 that you refused to participate in because of some pretentious notion of "moderation" nonwithstanding the 6 beers, 3 shots of tequila, jagermeister and various other liquid indulgences that compose your nightly drinking resumé... late evening participation would surely have put you on track to be portaged to your domicile with all but your pilot light out. 2. Eating- see above... the key concept: praying to the porcelain princess... and you seem to have omitted the three bags of chips, 6 twinkies, 8 chocolate chip cookies, 2 slices of cold pizza (brought in by the party crashers)... don't blame ME that you can't imbibe to the point of inducing an acute case of alcohol induced bulemia. If you turn down your host/hostesses fine cuisine you'll be looked upon as rude - so if you're concerned about your girlish waistline you'd better be prepared to purge. 3. Clumsiness- simple, DON'T GET UP!!!! It would help your cause greatly if- when "Rock Lobster" cues up on the party CD changer you didn't leap on your congenial host's coffee table and do an interperetive break dance! (BTW: I'm NOT footing the repair bill for the Hummel figurines, Tiffany lamp and silk curtains damaged during your spastic gyrations). And see above again... If you allow a trusted friend be custodian to your keys someone would be able to efficiently operate the lock to your front door and dump the soused puddle of you in your entryway. 4. Hangover- 4 words: "hair of the dog"... pain will magically dull and your next day's activities will commence in one fell swoop! You will reach legend status as a party animal! I don't think I need to say more I hope that you review these suggestions and take them seriously. I look forward to Thursday... shall we make it 4:30?
he drinks 120 mililiters of absolute alcohol in one year, is not irish and likes to watch soccer i guess, has brown hair probably. but erm... just to get this straight, it doesnt affect you times 20 (or 10) does it? if i where irish that amount of booze wouldn't harm me more than the average amount does to non-irish people...right? and what happens if i move to ireland? eh i know...let's have a drink (times 10) together sometime wait...i'm not 'the average male'...... who cares! let's have a drink (times 10) together sometime
