help me on my way*** empathetic and wise ears needed!!!

hello everybody, my name is ethan. i love you all very much , i always seem to find just the help and love i need when i need some help. right now in life, i'm in a very new, very confusing place - and like before, i've come to hear anyybody's opinion. i' always cheirsh them so so much, so if you've got a minute, this here is the story of my now - and an indescribable blossoming, and i'm in need of some major major advice!

right now, i'm finding myself very very lost. i've always layed back and enjoyed the flow of life's river, for quite a while now - almost made a non-point of it, things just were. The last little while, i've been noticing how so so so many things happen for a damn ass reason, the good, the bad, the love, the evil. it's all been a beautiful growing process, and mother fuck, i'm growing on into my shoes! i'm 19 now, i'm lovin the best i can, got this uncapturable outlook on life... but i'm finding myself holding onto a LOT of sorrow lately. lately = this last week.
the last few months i've been finding myself becoming a little religious, wiith this source of inspiration not having any name - but somewhere along the lines picking up the title 'god'. so for the remainder of my story, it'll be called god. =P.
now... i've always had dreams of communes and living off the land, harmony, and love - always knew i am meant to live my life (or a good part of it) out on communes, and just living... but i've dumped myself off from highschool into college, and here me and my dreams are just loving eachother and loving eachother. i dream of the road all day- but still in college. this last year, i've been thinking that i need to take a breakkkkk, and head on out next summer, and things were just as they always were, chillin - but a bit more ansty about hitting the road, and a growing detachment from school... but still, i was seeing the beauty in everything the best i could have, and speaking on it now, i know all was how it was supposed to be... but this last week, i had a major major major experience. the experience itself can't be put into words, put it has to do with me and god and hitting the road NOWWWW. not only hitting the road now. it all seemed so so damn obvious to me that night... and at the same time i learned to make NO expectations- to just take the first step with faith. from that moment on, in everythinggggg i've been seeing god - seeing this inspiration - this inspiration of good and growth and direction... but, this vessel is still in college...... and i've been hearing and thinking that "this ship is taking off without you!". i'm afraid that these voices will be true, even though i know there is a big chance it's just some insanity and paranoia =\\\\. but it's driving me up the wall =\\\. i dont know if my God is turning his back on me, or what =(**. right now, i'm nottt seeing myself able to leave college. i've become alright with the idea of leaving school - more then alright - but the idea of scaring my true life dad is my ruling concern (i know it shouldn't scar him, and it's just me living my heart's dream, but i know he wont be happy with it at alllllll). i've kinda brought the notion of to dad that come winter break, there's a big chance that i'll be outta here (now, in my thoughts, i told myself come winter break i'm out of here)... but i still feel that i'm not making this coined God happy, or that i'm stepping off his path. This god never ever ever became this demanding!!! never was, i never though it couldddd be!!! am i just setting down this expectation, and entangling divine destiny and attachment to this thought of simply leaving now???? i've notice lately also, that now unlike EVER before that i'm becoming very conscious of my sins - but not even true sins, just things that i think need correcting... but i dont want to let go of them even!!! like getting high! i love smoking pot, but lately everytime i do, all i hear is "man, you really should be cutting down on this... you know you're supposed to"... =\\\\. and when i'm high, i just feel like i'm willingly telling god to leave, as if he could leave. i've never been this confused, and it all happened with this notion of me needing to leave, NOW!.
(by the way, hurricane is coming right for us in south florida). do you guys understand me? basically... i loveeee this god. it seems that it's becoming less and less of the essence of 'I AM', and more of a creator and omnipresence destinymaker/It, but i'm alright with that, because all is sooooooooooooooo god damn beautiful, soooo god damn beautiful. shows me good, teaches me good by showin me bad. loves me right, shows me despair at all the right times. it used to be nature - or what simply was, now it's becoming this holy Father, and experiences verify such a father MORE THEN ANYONE'S WORDS OR MY EARLIER LOGIC COULD EVER DENY. i loveeee praying, and love sending other people god's love. i'm on fire when i'm with god, i feel and heal and love. it's all been this beautiful insanity, blossoming and beautiful, everythign was - it didn't need to fall into any God, even when there was God, even at his HIGHT - or my belief in it. now, since i've thought i need to depart, my thoughts are that he's leavign me - that my father is dying from me - because i'm staying down here and not running off. i dont want him to**** i dont know if he is, or if he is anything for that matter*!!. if i should wait till the end of the semester and leave in winter, or if he'll even be waiting.! i dont want this deal to go down guys =(. wait until that deal goes round.... dont you let that deal go down.

much much much love everybody. much love and peace. ~Ethan


***edit for commune thread*** is any commune members are reading this and have a feeling i'd feel at home with them, please let me know!!! muchh mcuh love

 

feel the loves, man.
grouve on...

 

golly gosh thats a long letter Batman

peace and love

 

Lots of love to you man. Keep intouch.
I can tell you have a great mind and soul.
peace and keep that peace.

-Roach-