Hi guys, I wasn't sure where to put this, but a health board seems as right as any. Ok, at the moment I'm finding my life hard to live. I'm awaiting term results I know I have to retake because I've failed, I'm also so broke I'm finding it hard to make rent on my house and recently my boyfriend of five months cheated on me and went off with another woman because he said I made his life unhappy. I find it hard to get up in the morning and I dont get any jobs I apply for because I'm too depressed to be enthusiastic anyway. Sometimes I cant sleep at all and I'm scared because I'm having hallucinations of all sorts of things which I see clear as anything. The other day I ran clean out of my bedroom because a damn crocodile was in there snapping at me and yelling things I dont remember. I'm undergoing a lot of medical tests which could be really serious but I'm having to wait for any results which makes me worry. I'm miles away from anyone and anyone I do see cant help me or make things worse. Since I was about eleven I've fantisized about killing myself and as I've gotten older my lack of enthusiasm for myself has ruined relationships with people and early this year I began cutting myself because I liked to look at he scars and felt good about it. Within the last year since I began University its become worse and I've gone through immence pain after three relationships ended with my boyfriend cheating and leaving me for someone more "bubbly". I've also noticed times where I feel incredibly violent, sexually agressive and afflicted with a strange belief in my own superiority which any event proving otherwise causes long depressions. I'm really worried because I'm not myself and i'm really a not nice person when I feel like this. I've started dreaming that I'm dead and I feel sad but untroubled by it. Then I started drinking and taking baths only to wonder if my my blood would run faster in the warm water, I've even decided that to cut my own throat infront of everyone I know so they get sprayed with blood would be my final decision because if done properly there is a great chance I will die,but why such an angy death I dont know. This frightens me because I feel like i might do it if I wasn't so scared of dying and that it would make people think less of me. My mother tells me to" pull yourself out of it" because we have a strong family history of depression and manic depression and she says we've all survived without help historically. I feel like a stranger in my own family where I've got depression prone parents who refuse to acknowledge I'm suffering anymore than they are. I'm thinking of making an appointment with my doctor and telling them all this and maybe they'll but I'm afraid they'll write me off as another mopey goth or a hypercondriac. I dont know, can anyone offer any helpful advice?
Obviously something is wrong, if it's bothering you so much. It just be depression, but (usually) depression doesn't entail having hallucinations. You may have some form of schizophrenia, there are many types and each types offers different symptoms. There are 2 types of symptoms for schizophrenia: "positive", which include hallucinations, voices, and violent feeling; and "negative", which include lack of emotion, rigid posturing, and being catatonic. It sounds like you have mostly positive symptoms, with the exception of depression. Now, keep in mind, I am not a doctor and I AM NOT SAYING YOU ARE SCHIZOPHRENIC, just that you seem to have some of the symptoms. Any type of mental illness is not something you can "snap out of", and I'm sorry that you seem to be getting little familial support. The most important thing right now is you and your life. If you really feel that you are going to hurt yourself, go to the ER ASAP. You say you're in school-high school or college? If you go to college, you should go visit their counseling center; most are open year round and provide free care. Otherwise, go to your normal doc and ask for a referral to a psychiatrist or counselor-they are trained to help diagnose and treat mental disorders. It's really good that you know you need help-it's hard to admit to need help. Believe me, I've battled with severe anxiety and depression off and on my entire life. But mental illness is something that, while not curable, can be treated and dealt with successfully. All it takes is a willingness to get better, and to seek the proper care. I hope I have helped you some, and good luck to you.
Man, don't take the "I can get by on my own w/o help" route. All my symptoms are very similar to yours. When you're very depressed you can hallucinate. Once I thought my ceiling was falling down over me. I see things a lot. I hear my name. I'm on three different meds, and none of them has made these go away. I have unipolar depression. It's like manic depression, but just without the manic episodes. It's kind of extreme mood fluxuations between happy/normal and severely depressed. A huge relationship end doesn't help either. Me and my g/f of a year and 9 months broke up, and that really affected my mental state. If you need to talk about this, I'll totally understand you. I've been through cutting and therapy and everything. Therapy has kept me alive. That and a couple hospital stays. Therapy is such a good thing. See someone about this. I know how horrible it feels to be suicidal all the time. You can talk to me about this; I'd be more than happy to help you.
the symptoms are very similar and i wish you the best of luck. find a GOOD psychotrist... that you can talk to and trust. as for me, im prolly doomed cause i think i have agoraphobia cause my panic attacks. im too afraid to do anything anymore.
oh sweety, have your panic attacks come back? Agrophobia sucks SO bad, I know how unbearable it is, when did ya start thinking this.
Hey guys. Thanks for the replies, all your advice is becoming useful to me in trying to understand whats making me this way. That it sounds like manic depression without the manic episode sounds like an interesting lead because of my family predisposition. After investigation I dont think my strange visions are schizophrenic in nature because they do not fit the symptoms except that they imagined things. My moods are going up and down a lot at the moment, right now,I'm not feeling great but I'm pretty stable. But a good-ish mood can change in a few seconds to something akin to a complete attack of anxiety followed by hours of deep feelings of anger,hopelessness and physical weakness. And these are worst in the mornings and late at night, so I'm trying to spend time with company because that seems to help me not think about it until I can get an appointment with my doctor. I suppose I'll be put of drugs because here the waiting list for therapy can take years.
i had a pretty bad.... well, potentially HORRIBLE panic attack yesterday. i did talk myself out of it before it got REALLY bad. but im becoming reliant on benadryl. it sucks.
