They say that you are too young Fashionably late, with a smile They tell me that I should grow up Untimely am I? Time rivals birth Seconds exhausted Minutes disregarded Hours of dissolution Our world is different We can’t help when we were born We listen to each tick We see the coming tock Our memories pile in the hourglass Our future hangs above Trickling through the neck One grain at a time Let the sand tickle our itchy feet Capture that moment, here and now Forget them for a while We are all that is left
Well, this is my second poem. I've kept it short(er), and I hope more to the point, as recommended in previous comments. It was actually easier (???) for me to write this way. I feel that forcing myself to condense what I wanted to say actually helped give more meaning to each line. At least I hope that's how it reads. It makes my previous effort seem like a right old ramble!! Anyway, comments and advice appreciated, and will be taken on board. Thanks
Thank you, your comment means a lot. I've only just started writing poetry, and my last post took me ages to pluck up the courage. But this one seemed easier to post, perhaps because I'm happier with it, or more confident. Thanks
I found it very easy to picture your metaphors but that they kind of ran together.... in my opinion if you knocked out the first part and left the last four it would be a little bit more universal...but the first part was my favorite...maybe you could expand on that... but if you don't like what I have said or you don't understand I am sorry I am just giving my honest opinion...not that I know much about the art of poetry writing or any other kind of writing really..... it was good though... I plan on reading more of your work sincerely~ jaime
Interesting comment, thanks. I can see what you mean about leaving the first part out, but I wrote the poem for a special someone and would hate to leave it out. There's a bit of an "in joke" in there too that is probably lost on everyone except her. Do poems have to be universal? Your comments are of course appreciated, and I am very new to this so I need all of the help that I can get. Is it obvious that we hate time and think that it is mans worst creation? It was untitled until I posted it here, I wanted to call it "fu*k time" or similar, but animosity seemed to be more universal and less hateful (although today it seems qually as hateful, but not so obviously so).
I let my soul mate read this last night (seen as it was her who inspired me to write), she really like it, and I'm reallly happy!
