help me on my way*** empathetic and wise ears needed!!!

hello everybody, my name is ethan. i love you all very much , i always seem to find just the help and love i need when i need some help. right now in life, i'm in a very new, very confusing place - and like before, i've come to hear anyybody's opinion. i' always cheirsh them so so much, so if you've got a minute, this here is the story of my now - and an indescribable blossoming, and i'm in need of some major major advice!

right now, i'm finding myself very very lost. i've always layed back and enjoyed the flow of life's river, for quite a while now - almost made a non-point of it, things just were. The last little while, i've been noticing how so so so many things happen for a damn ass reason, the good, the bad, the love, the evil. it's all been a beautiful growing process, and mother fuck, i'm growing on into my shoes! i'm 19 now, i'm lovin the best i can, got this uncapturable outlook on life... but i'm finding myself holding onto a LOT of sorrow lately. lately = this last week.
the last few months i've been finding myself becoming a little religious, wiith this source of inspiration not having any name - but somewhere along the lines picking up the title 'god'. so for the remainder of my story, it'll be called god. =P.
now... i've always had dreams of communes and living off the land, harmony, and love - always knew i am meant to live my life (or a good part of it) out on communes, and just living... but i've dumped myself off from highschool into college, and here me and my dreams are just loving eachother and loving eachother. i dream of the road all day- but still in college. this last year, i've been thinking that i need to take a breakkkkk, and head on out next summer, and things were just as they always were, chillin - but a bit more ansty about hitting the road, and a growing detachment from school... but still, i was seeing the beauty in everything the best i could have, and speaking on it now, i know all was how it was supposed to be... but this last week, i had a major major major experience. the experience itself can't be put into words, put it has to do with me and god and hitting the road NOWWWW. not only hitting the road now. it all seemed so so damn obvious to me that night... and at the same time i learned to make NO expectations- to just take the first step with faith. from that moment on, in everythinggggg i've been seeing god - seeing this inspiration - this inspiration of good and growth and direction... but, this vessel is still in college...... and i've been hearing and thinking that "this ship is taking off without you!". i'm afraid that these voices will be true, even though i know there is a big chance it's just some insanity and paranoia =\\\\. but it's driving me up the wall =\\\. i dont know if my God is turning his back on me, or what =(**. right now, i'm nottt seeing myself able to leave college. i've become alright with the idea of leaving school - more then alright - but the idea of scaring my true life dad is my ruling concern (i know it shouldn't scar him, and it's just me living my heart's dream, but i know he wont be happy with it at alllllll). i've kinda brought the notion of to dad that come winter break, there's a big chance that i'll be outta here (now, in my thoughts, i told myself come winter break i'm out of here)... but i still feel that i'm not making this coined God happy, or that i'm stepping off his path. This god never ever ever became this demanding!!! never was, i never though it couldddd be!!! am i just setting down this expectation, and entangling divine destiny and attachment to this thought of simply leaving now???? i've notice lately also, that now unlike EVER before that i'm becoming very conscious of my sins - but not even true sins, just things that i think need correcting... but i dont want to let go of them even!!! like getting high! i love smoking pot, but lately everytime i do, all i hear is "man, you really should be cutting down on this... you know you're supposed to"... =\\\\. and when i'm high, i just feel like i'm willingly telling god to leave, as if he could leave. i've never been this confused, and it all happened with this notion of me needing to leave, NOW!.
(by the way, hurricane is coming right for us in south florida). do you guys understand me? basically... i loveeee this god. it seems that it's becoming less and less of the essence of 'I AM', and more of a creator and omnipresence destinymaker/It, but i'm alright with that, because all is sooooooooooooooo god damn beautiful, soooo god damn beautiful. shows me good, teaches me good by showin me bad. loves me right, shows me despair at all the right times. it used to be nature - or what simply was, now it's becoming this holy Father, and experiences verify such a father MORE THEN ANYONE'S WORDS OR MY EARLIER LOGIC COULD EVER DENY. i loveeee praying, and love sending other people god's love. i'm on fire when i'm with god, i feel and heal and love. it's all been this beautiful insanity, blossoming and beautiful, everythign was - it didn't need to fall into any God, even when there was God, even at his HIGHT - or my belief in it. now, since i've thought i need to depart, my thoughts are that he's leavign me - that my father is dying from me - because i'm staying down here and not running off. i dont want him to**** i dont know if he is, or if he is anything for that matter*!!. if i should wait till the end of the semester and leave in winter, or if he'll even be waiting.! i dont want this deal to go down guys =(. wait until that deal goes round.... dont you let that deal go down.

much much much love everybody. much love and peace. ~Ethan

 

Hi Ethan

Our lives are a reflection of the choices we each make inside of us. No matter what words we use, or how we try to justify our actions, and reactions the bottom line is we Choose. We make the choices that draw the lessons we need to face within ourselves.

This reminds me of my sister. When she was small she found this mirror. She carried that mirror every where sure that she was inside that mirror. She saw her reflection "She did not see herself. One day my father told her that when you scratch the back off the mirror you find your MoJoe. Well she thought if I am inside the mirror, and my MoJoe is inside me then why not. So she scraped off the back of the mirror, and screamed when she had lost everything. She cried for days. Then one rainy day she saw her reflection in a puddle in the drive way, on the side of the old milk house door, in the barn, in the bumper of the truck, and in the side of the mail box. Confused she asked my father what this meant. His reply, "You found your MoJoe."Your MoJoe is your source of magic, and charm within yourself that is your own power to see yourself without an excuse, and to face the choices you make." God is often a word some use for MoJoe.

This is not about God inside, or out side of you. This is not about your mental reflection of seeing yourself, and thinking IF I only do this one thing I will find my purpose in life, and be doing what I came to do. This is about putting away the divided self, and finding you are your voices inside, and You are the choices you make, and you are hearing only you, and the fears you have inside you, and expressing them the only why that you think is coherent, and safe for you.

Accepting responsability for yourself, and the accountability for your choices, actions, and reactions will give you balance. The extremes of emotional worship, or justifications within you are just that, Emotional worship relying on the ego to rule for us, not in seeing in the end we made the choices to grow beyond our co-dependence and self made MoJoe.

Much like in a relationship. You can have a million reasons to stay, or go but the bottom line is YOU CHOOSE TO. You chose to make the decisions you did, and the only voices speaking loud enough for you to hear, and follow are your own. Commitment is about balance, and truth, and finding your own center inside you, not in a reflection that has no power but what you give it.

Healing is a gift, and responsability you give to yourself.

 

that was BEAUTIFUL! goooooodness, amazing. amazing. amazing. i've been slipping a bit lately - that's for damn sure, but thank you so so so much for your words, they are very very very true - and i know they're going to help me get back on my feet again - through and through. i've been sticking around a very destructive relationship with a friend, and for a while now have been hurting while i let a friend take advantage of me... i think i know what i need to do first - and from that, and your words (and what i know), i know i'll be back and strong again. thank you so so so so much old crone!!! sosososo much, you're truly a beautifulllll beautifullllll person (these words can't convery how i love you). i'm always on the zendik site, just dreaming away =P. one day maybe i'll swing by - i've always dreamt of it.

thank you again for your help aireal*** truly truly trulyyyyy. it was exactly what i needed to hear =). Ethan

 

=P 2 minutes later, i'm really feeling a zillion times more comfortable. a ZILLION times! i can't thank you enough =))). - it's all been almost a hex... the creation of this 'God', and where my thoughts have followed it. =\. but truly, i can't thank you enough. =))))))))). it almost doesn't even seem like a problem anymore =P everything's just...

=)
thank you again =)