My curious little sister...

My younger sister is 14 and growing into a woman very rapidly now, naturally becoming more and more curious about sex. The other day I found a copy of the book A Man's Guide to Sex in her bedroom. I'm not sure where she got it, if it's one of her friend's or not, but I'm not sure it's appropriate material for a 14 yr old. I'm not going to tell my parents, I don't want to get her in trouble or anything. I am going to talk to her about it, I'm just not exactly sure how to initiate the conversation...Maybe, "I found this book, do you have questions you want me to answer that you feel uncomfortable asking mom & dad?" or something like that.
I definately don't think I should just ignore the fact I found it in her room...she does have a boyfriend and I can't imagine she's had sex already...but you never know. So...suggestions? Thanks peoples.

 

She is 14......its 2004......she probably wrote the book under a alias.(lol) Give the kid some credit.....and a little privacy

 

Someone needs a reality check..... at 14 there probably isn't too much that she doesn't alrady know.

 

Yeah I know what I knew at 14 and she knows more, I'm sure...I'm just concerned as to whether she IS having sex...making sure she makes smart decisions without being judgemental. I'm trying to offer her something she can't get from my parents.

 

14 is way too young , man! Give her the smack down she deserves so that she shys away from such activity.

 

Thats probably what she needs. Does she trust you? If you don't want her to be guarded like she would be with your parents, don't go all parental on her. You are sisters. It should be nothing to talk about boyfriends, sex, and periods. If you want the truth, you gotta treat her as a equal. Otherwise, she'll think you don't respect her, her privacy, her decisions and then she'll clam up to protect herself.

 

I never actually had sex, but when I was 12 I knew quite a bit and had a "whore" reputation even though I actually wasn't one. Does that make sense? It was just all the he-said, she-said stuff, but because of my knowledge it was like that. So for 14 I don't think KNOWING much is harmful because for knowing so much at 12, I'd like to think that I turned out a-ok. I think it's good to know, at least she won't be stupid and wreckless like some people are. Buuuut I'll have to say that 14 is too young to be having sex (from experience I can say that), so maybe I'd talk to her about that. Don't embarress her about finding the book because my parents did that...that's just no fun, it scarred me hehe. Even thinking about it 5ish years later embaresses me. So just say something along the lines of "I know you're 14 and you're probably very knowledgable about sex, I also know you have this boyfriend yada yada yada" and then just ask her if she has any questions, maybe give some experiences of your own...except not too detailed or make her vision too many things because that's just dirty, but without actually SAYING it, let her know that she's too young but it's ok to ask about it and all that mess. You know the second you say that she's too young she's going to want to show you that she's not...and then there goes a big ol' problem. Gotta be sneaky about those things, she's at that rebellious age.

 

14 year olds may know a lot about sex, but unfortunately, most of what they've learned has come from the media or their friends. Not reliable sources. Just sit down with her one day and try to get her to open up about it. If you don't talk to her, and your parents won't, who knows what she'll end up doing. (i.e., unprotected sex). People that age tend to think they're invicible when it comes to sex.

 

NAMASTE


First not going to tell your parents was is so great.Trust is what you are buildind with your sister and going to your parents might send the wrong message to her.Now if there was more you found like she was shooting up or such yes then go to her and your parents.Go to here one on one.This is hard for you as one can tell but it goes back to building that bond with your sister.From there after you talk who knows she might had a friend leave it behind or such.And if it is hers she and males at that age are at that point were info on sex is an area that many start looking at.With all that is going on in this world i see more and more peolple growing up faster than i did at there age.Teaching the young on a the wright veiw of sex is better than letting them find and learn the negative way.Though we each learn at the time we need in life sex is one that is being tought more and more at a younger age.We are bombed with sex in books and on tv and movies.Who would not start looking at it.So teach well and with love.You show here you have that by going to her first you are showing such love.

 

Heh heh, I learned everythin there is to know bout sex from the forums.

 

There is one thing that you should make sure that she knows. WHERE to buy/get condoms, my sisters-in-law knew what condoms were, how to use them, when to use them, etc. Everything except WHERE to get them until my wife made sure that they knew.

 

Alright, so the biggest problem I see in this conversation is this: how exactly did you find this book? Regardless of your intentions, if she thinks you were snooping, you are not going to have a very productive discussion. Before you worry too much, take a look at this book -- is it good advice (tho beyond what you want her to know), or is it one-sided? If it is good advice for a healthy sexual relationship, I wouldn't worry. She hopefully will be able to avoid the mediocre sex most of us have to endure before learning what she can hopefully learn from the book.

To be honest, at 14, it's quite late to be starting to educate her about condoms & such. Hopefully, she already has the necessary background to take these discussions seriously... I don't know about everyone, but I sure as hell thought I knew everything when I was that age, if it hadn't been instilled regularly as I grew up I probably wouldn't have listened.

Having someone to talk to is always a good thing, but don't be surprised if she doesn't want to talk... At least you both know that she can & probably will come to you if she has any problems.

 

Thank you everyone for your advice. I told my sister today that I found the book in her room (she said it was one of her friends), and I'll talk to her more about it later. I'm pretty sure she's not having sex, but I'll find out. Whatever i DO find out, I'll make sure I'm calm and collected, understanding and NOT like a parent. We do talk about everything so I'm sure this won't be much different. I'
ll keep you posted. Thanks phriends.
PeaceLoveSunshine,
joanna

 

Well, it's no surprise that someone with your screen name would say something like that.

 

I'm from Australia and my daughter is 12, and has done sex education, complete with notes and guidebook. I had a look at what they were taught and it is explicit enough, without going into enough detail on mutual pleasuring like using oral sex to help a female to orgasm. I guess Mum and Dad will need to help our children out on that part at the appropriate time. When she and her older brother are a little older again.

Is sex education at 12 that different in the US?

 

That depends CB...are you actually discussing the politics of sex with her (not technique obviously, but emotion and choice and our innate desire for sex), or just having her memorize diagrams of our reproductive tracts? If it's the former..then yes, I'd say sex ed is much different.

 

I would bring the topic up by you sharing some of your stories about sex or how this guy made you feel or this incident that you had.

You know, you start first and you don't ask her about what she has. She will feel that you are on the same boat and relaxed alittle instead of getting defensive. This way, she is more likely to tell you how, why, where and what she hopes to learn from the book instead of getting defensive.

GOod luck.

 

This is a reply to cbrmale about sex education:

In my own experience, when I was in 7th grade (12 years old) a teacher assigned us to read a book that gave all the basic information about anatomy, puberty, and sex. We did not discuss it actively; essentially the teacher just told us to take the book home and read it. It definitely wasn' trying to teach you how to be a better lover, but I think it did at least mention that oral sex was something that a lot of people did.

Things vary tremendously around the states and depending on the school. There is a very influential political movement in the US that takes the position that the best way to do sex education (and to limit teen pregnancies) is to simply tell kids that they should not have sex until they are married, and that if you instruct about condom or other birth control mechanisms that will only encourage more sexual activity. The Bush administration basically agrees with this idea, although I do not. I remember there was a flap a while ago when the Department of Health and Human Services revised its web sites to reduce the information about condoms, or at least to exaggerate their failure rates. I'm sure in many private religious schools no information about sex is taught, while in other schools it varies. I think my experience is quite common.

 

Yeah i have to agree with that.

 

I thought I was Dr Ruth at the 14 .... then my mom and I had a talk. I would talk to her -- I am sure you would rather her hear it from you than the "guys" sex book .... Good luck !