My dating frustrations: What's your opinion ladies?

Ok ladies, I want to hear your opinion about my dating frustrations…



It seems as if every lady that I’ve met in the last few years who I have been physically attracted to has been very materialistic, selfish/stubborn and high-strung. Otherwise, none of them have been my type in other areas as well. For example, in a conversation, a very attractive lady who I’ve recently met proclaimed that she couldn’t live without Banana Republic, prefers to dominate in her relationships, and would never live outside of a big city (I love the peacefullness of rural areas). This is just one example of very similar encounters with ladies I personally find physically attractive.



On the other hand, ladies who I’ve recently met who have been kind, down to earth, easy going, and generous, I have not been very physically attracted to and find it difficult to progress beyond friends. These friends have been wonderful, and I’m not complaining about that, just that when it comes to a romantically intimate relationship I can’t seem to be completely satisfied without also being physically attracted to them.



Now, I don’t want to sound like a hippocrite, I’ve been known to wear Banana Republic and also enjoy the city and some material pleasures from time to time, but ultimately I enjoy a simple life and simple, nonmaterialistic pleasures. To me being physically attracted to someone is not materialistic and is just as much a benefit to them (by the way I would naturally physically gravitate toward them) as it is pleasing to my own tastes. In otherwords, I think I woman deserves to be with a man who finds them physically attractive.



Ironically, the ladies who I have met that seem to be very well-rounded and “my type” are always already married. Yikes!



Do you think I am being overly picky as some of my friends tell me, do you think I should lower my standards of fulfillment, or do you think that I am righteous in my desires?



Also, would you care to shed some enlightenment on my observed correlation between attractiveness and attitude/personality characteristics?

 

i dont think you are being picky, but perhaps your standars of physical beauty might be a bit "high maintenance", i just say this judging by what you have just said.

i usually relate being high maintenance to a great inability to conect with whats important about life. when you can transcent beyond the physical, its when you truly find yourself. Perhaps you should re-evaluate what you actually want in a woman. you know, sometimes we can fall for people who perhaps dont fit our physical ideal, but are so compatible with us that everything else doesnt matter...perhaps you need to see beyond the external attraction...chemistry is all it takes to make it happen.

....or maybe you havent found the perfect combo, give it time, but keep your eyes (heart) open.

i wish you luck.

 

what sort of women are you attracted to, looks wise? because you've gotta look at the whole picture... if you are attracted to women who spend lots of time on their hair and makeup, and buy expensive clothes, then of course they're going to say things like, "i can't live without banana republic!" to a greater or lesser degree, if they spend a lot of money on their clothes and makeup, then they probably don't want to go camping and get dirty... might chip a nail or something. besides, there's only so much time in the day. when you can tell that most of her time goes towards her looks, you know it's a sign of shallowness. she's obviously not volunteering or hiking or doing something good and productive. if you can tell they spend all their money on high-heels, they're obviously not spending it on travel.

but no, i don't think you should lower your standards and go after a girl who you don't find attractive, even though she shares your values. at least, not right away. if you're not attracted to her, you won't give her your all, and you'll be starting off your relationship hoping you find someone better. it wouldn't be fair to the girl. it's like saying, "you're ugly outside, and pretty inside, and i want to test myself to see if i can get over your looks." ew.

 

sounds like you like a challenge

I mean, girls who look high maintenance are often more difficult to chase after than us down-to-earth girls. And of course they'll want their city amenities and their favourite stores, that's just nonsense to ask them to move onto a farm and shovel cow shit. ok, that's not what you're asking, but still... city people like city stuff (and i'm a city girl who lived on an acreage for four years)

 

Before getting into any big analysis, I gotta ask: If they were stripped naked, no makeup, hair not styled, nothing, how different would these women really look? Is this a matter of luck -- as in the women you've met with what you consider to be nice bodies were of the high maintenance variety, while those down-to-earth women did not have what you consider to be nice bodies -- or is this a matter of your attraction to the makeup and pretension?

If it just happens to be luck, there's not much you can do. I don't know how picky you are, as I can't sit here and look at the variety of women you've been meeting. I wouldn't suggest trying to date someone to whom you are not attracted -- I agree that it is not fair to either of you. When you find the right chemistry, it won't be a problem.

Frankly, when I first met my bf, I wasn't particularly attracted to him. It didn't help that he managed to catch whooping cough just before starting the semester, so he was looking pretty bad there for a while. But, we had this weird chemistry, which I tried to ignore for a long time... Honestly, I'm really glad I wasn't wanting to jump his bones the minute we met, because we were able to establish a much stronger friendship before starting to date, which I think is a big part of the reason we're still together at 2 & 1/2 years.

On the other hand, if it is not a matter of luck, if these women would look exactly the same right out of the shower, then you need to reevaluate your priorities. Why is it that you are looking for all the wrong women for what claim you want? For some, it may be a subconscious defense -- you want the physical contact & whatnot but not emotionally in the right place (for whatever reason) for a real relationship. For others, I don't know, I'm not a shrink... But if you're in this boat, you need to figure out why clothing and makeup are so important to your sense of attraction...

Whatever the case may be, I always have to throw into this type of discussion that you're not likely to be able to find love if you're activley looking. You have to let love find you. The harder you try to find it, the harder it will be to find...

 

Good luck finding a girl whos both attractive and good personality.

You get one or the other, both are rare. A nice girl who puts the effort in to not become obese? = Awesome

Maybe try meeting girls from other countries?

I wouldn't date a girl whos obese, because when you get older you only get more obese, and I'm 15, but your not, so think about that.

^ Is crappy advice, but I am tired.

I don't like high matinence, masterialism, or stupidity.

When I turn 18 I'm joining a gym and I'm thinking about become a vegitarian then too.

But I've never had a girlfriend.

 

Thanks for the input.


It is hard to say what I find physically attractive. When you are with someone, you just know whether or not you are physically attracted to them or not. I am surprised at how many of you assume that I am attracted to clothes, makeup, hair, etc, when, in fact, most of that stuff turns me off! There is so much more to attractiveness than these petty characteristics! I prefer someone who is pretty who doesn't wear makeup or spend time on their hair and who wears simple clothes. Although, first impressions can be decieving and I try not to judge a book by its cover so to speak.

I think one problem is that people usually get the wrong first impression of me. I am a professional who tends to be well dressed during the week, I have short hair and am very clean cut. I tend to attract ladies who "can't live without Banana Republic" because I probably look like their type. On the other hand I tend to get looked past by ladies who are my type (simple, non-materialistic, hippy-ish, if you will), because the majority of the time I don't look much like this type even though I very much am. I wish everyone would be friendly enough to get to know other people regardless of what impression they my get by what the other person is wearing. I personally think that some of the most peace-loving, selfless, and non-materialistic people I know would not fit that typical "image" based on what they are wearing.

It sounds like some of you may be suggesting that I should judge people by what they wear and if they look like they are materialistic on first impression that I should not take the time to get to know them because they must not be my type. I try to avoid this.


I can feel very close to someone who I connect with but I have a difficult time becomming physically intimate with someone who I have no physical attraction to (it somehow seems artificial). Believe, me I've been in that situation multiple times.

Also, I'm certianly not actively seeking a relationship. I don't think I have ever actively sought a lady. They always just find me or we mutually meet and when I find out they are interested I usually give them the benefit of the doubt and take time to get to know them.

I will definately agree that personality really contributes much to how I perceive someones attractiveness. And many ladies who I didn't initially find particularly attractive became much more attractive as I experienced their beautiful personality.

dawn-sky, I am a bit cautious when I hear someone say that they weren't at all attracted to their partner initially. One of my best friends dated a girl who said that when she first met him she thought he was quite unattractive but that his personality won her over. They dated for years and were engaged. One month before their wedding she ran off with "the most attractive man on the planet" who she met during her bachelorette party!!!

ihmurria, You may have a point. I do tend to subconciously be attracted to a challenge. Maybe I somehow am attracted to what I can't or shouldn't have!

Anyway, thanks for listening. I have recently had quite a few ladies approack me lately and was just venting my frustration that non of them seemed to be "my type" for one reason or another.

 

I guess I didn't word things as well as I could have... I definitely wasn't suggesting trying to convince yourself to find the person attractive (like a lot of people do when they get lonely or think "but this person's such a perfect match in every other way"). That pretty much never works out and is an unfair waste of your time and her time (not to mention potential hurt feelings when you end up seeming like you were just leading her on). That sounds like what your friend's ex did...

Basically my bf is not the kind of guy most women would look at and want to jump his bones right away. But we had this really crazy chemistry, right from the start... But, I had a lot of personal issues to work thru before jumping into anything, so for a long time I ignored the chemistry and focused on his physical flaws (subconsciously, of course!). In the end, tho, it all comes down to the chemistry -- I've dated plenty of guys who I was very physically attracted to and who had great personalities, but the chemistry just wasn't there, so it didn't work out. And, now that I've gotten past those issues, my bf is "the most attractive man on the planet" to me...

I guess the point was that we as humans have an amazing ability to psych ourselves out of what could be a really great thing... So maybe you've got some lingering issues that are making you not quite ready for a real relationship right now, as I did, that could be what's getting in the way of you clicking with these women you describe as kind and down to earth. I don't know you, so I was just trying to throw out stuff that has tripped me up in the past, ya know.

 

Yeah, the chemistry thing. I guess we just have to be patient and wait for the right chemistry.

 

I'd say get out of Tennessee....

 

HEY! bashing tennessee now? jeez. you know all the right buttons...lol. actually, i'm not offended, come to think on it. i didn't meet any good women in TN either.

but you know, dave didnt' look like my type when i first met him....but i was totally wrong. he's the best man ever created.

 

So what made you decide to continue to get to know him? Was it his persistance or your openmindedness???

 

my open mindedness. i acknowledged my lack of success in the past, and decided that perhaps i wasn't making the best decisions. then something just went ZING! and it was all over for me, i suddenly turned into a puddle of malleable woman at his feet. well, sorta malleable. he'll tell you that trying to get me to behave a certain way when i don't want to is like trying to sculpt the eiffel tower outta jello or something.