if time is falling sand, my mind is a seive. if life is a gift, i have nothing to give. my constricted heart palpitates in time, and my echoless thoughts are spelling in rhymes. drain me of this youth that has so much to learn, and pass me a match, so this grass may i burn. cough on my life, and sully the hours piss on the lot, and make it all sour. as i bid summer adieu and welcome the fall, i hope to shed light on the weight of it all. with no place to hide in this vast universe, i open my self to life's warming curse.
hehehe i like it... i like your style and perspective....and the first part of the poem has great word play.. Wondering if you should consider breaking up the structure though?
Thank you, for the comments. Break it up how, though? Like, where do you think I should break it up? I just kind of liked the feel of it all threaded together.
this one's so good, i don't even believe that you wrote it i do, but you know what i mean I don't like the title though, it's too emo, and much too mundane given the rich content of the poem. yeaaaaah....
well it could break up into stanzas of four lines quite easily.. it would allow the reader more time to filter in and consider the depths of the words.. either way it is quite stunning! However, you could be quite right..it may actually deflect from the poem ....
Thank you Lucy, and thank you again Clockwork. I see what you're saying now, about the breaking it up into stanzas. I do kind of like it as is, though. I have so many poems which are broken up into stanzas, and it was nice to have a nice flowy one, for a change. I appreciate all comments and critisizms, though. So, thank you!
