living with/marrying a stoner? -- advice needed

i know a lot of the ppl who frequent these boards like to smoke out, but how many of you do not smoke, but are with somebody who does? a lot.

this is goign to be a bit of a rant, but i'm kinda scared this will bug the hell out of me and there's nothing i can do about it (not to mention we're planning on getting married).

i do occassionaly smoke pot (read: Very rarely) but my significant other smokes every night before bed (he doesn't see himself as a pothead or a stoner at all, but does get stoned at least once a day). this doesn't bother me when we're apart because i'm not around him when he's stoned and it has nothing to do with me.... but when we're together i have to admit that it bothers me a lot. part of it is that even if i want to smoke i usually can't because i have terrible lungs, and another part is that, it IS something that has nothing to do with me. i know pot and alcohol are very different but i guess i equate it with my husband getting drunk in front of the tv and passing out while i'm there sober doing whatever... what if i want to cuddle and talk before falling asleep but i know his mind is somewhere else... it's like i don't have all of him when he's stoned, and dammit i don't like it. i feel it creates a large barrier when he's stoned and i'm sober (or vice versa, and i know he doesn't like me drunk and him sober) (unless i'm stoned too, then we can be stoned together) and it's not like a hobby where he goes out and rides his bike or plays basketball or whatever and then comes back and is normal and we can still fall asleep in the same state of sobriety. and even if it's a spiritual thing, it's also much different than praying... because i can pray and then be of a normal state of mind, but if he's stoned, well he's stoned for a few hours. ugh.

anyway... yes, it was a bit of a rant. sorry for that, and i have been trying to accept this as a part of who he is and love him anyway, but it's just one of those parts that i do not understand and probably deep down i really want him to change it.

so does anybody have any advice or experience of their own?

 

Have you talked to him about it? It sounds like a pretty serious issue to deal with before you get married. I can't imagine marrying someone who is more into getting stoned at night, than cuddling with me and having a good conversation.

I'm not in a "relationship" but I'm comitted to someone, and we have similar situations. He does certain drugs and drinks, while I do not advocate the use of any drugs or alcohol. We discussed it early on and made it a condition that, if you want to be with me, you absolutely cannot do certain things. And I can compromise... such as, he can have alcohol (preferably no hard liquor), I just won't allow it in my house.

You definitely need to set some boundaries before marrying, that's for sure.

 

"Do you love him" is a question of feelings and compassion and fairness and a bunch of fuzzy stuff.

"Should you live with him" is a much more practical problem.

Loving him is not enough to live with him. When thinking about what you want in a house and bed mate (every day, every nite) you should be as selfish as you can be. Just because he is a good man and you love him is not enough to live with him.

Its not fair to him (or to you) to start living with him, hoping that he will change.

I know this is rather random, but I hope that helps.

 

hmm... so i'm thinking i need to decide what it is that i want.. and what it is that he wants... and we need to talk about it.

maybe i could make a better overall decision if we had a sort of trial living together before we get married?

you both made some really good points, thanks

 

HAHAHAHAHHA...................."whack whack....the.......the whip has spoken,,

with love of course.....

cheers

 

Perhaps part of the problem is that you feel like your company just isn't good enough on its own when he smokes. Do you feel like it's a personal insult when he can't fall asleep next to you sober?

Either way, you should talk to him and be very, very clear about how you feel, and why you feel that way.

You say he smokes before he falls asleep every night. I do the same, and I used to date a guy who didn't smoke. It would take me much longer to fall asleep than it would him, and he would always wake up earlier than I because he fell asleep first. When does he smoke before bed? Is it an hour or so before he starts getting ready for bed, or is it just before he passes out for the night? Perhaps he would be willing to wait until the lights are out before lighting up? Or maybe he would be willing to try to fall asleep on his own, and if he can't, he could smoke once you've fallen asleep already? Find something that would work for both of you. You don't want to feel like you've never truly spent a night together since he's stoned every night.

You also said you don't smoke so much because even if you want to, your lungs won't always allow you to. What about eating ganja-food, though? You could make him some brownies, or cook a ganja-feast together.. that way he doesn't feel like you're utterly and completely against his smoking.

Anyway, just be very clear with him about how you feel and where your boundaries are, and what compromises you're willing to make. And listen to him, too. Make sure that you understand that he isn't smoking to escape your company.

 

I think I laughed out loud to that response for a full minute. In fact... I'm still laughing.

You know you're my bitch, I mean, you'd do anything for me... isn't that right?:X

 

I'm sorry I don't see anything really about how he is diiferent stoned then when he is not stoned in your post. I do see that you wrote he is somewhere else? Like do you mean he is not paying attention to you when you are hanging out or doing things together?
It looks more like your upset because you are not doing the same thing headwise and not in parallel with one another.
So how is he different when he is stoned?

 

Problem is, now hes probably addicted to the stuff, maybe not in the pysical sense, but definitely in the psychological one. He probably ges bad tempered if he goes too long without it, cant sleep, cant eat and things start stressing him out right?

So what are you gonna do... nothing.
Its up to him.
The best you can do is set your boundaries and limits and set them in concrete. Then, you have to be uncompromising on them, because if you arent, you wi;ll be destined to be unhappy

 

Retro groove girrl has a good point.
I have an addictave personality and pot was a big factor of my life. Thankfully my (ex) girl friend gave me the motivaton and streanth to stop using drugs. She just didnt like how i was when i was on pot ect.
I think it is very valid to want him to stop smoking. who would want to be around a inanimate idiot? I think the problem should defenetly be proght up in a serious discusion.
Just be careful and tred lightly because it can be a sensitive thing to bring up. Most pot heads and stoners are totaly in denial about the whole thing.
I say to help him to help your self be happy. If all elts fails, you need to move on or be forever unhappy!

 

well he talks a LOT less, gets distracted by his own thoughts a lot more easily, or anything else for that matter, kind of goes into himself, and it sucks because we're NOT on the same page mentally at that time. and of course it lasts for hours... he doesn't become this totally different person, but he does change. he does seem to be happier when high, but i think even that kinda makes me feel bad... too bad he can't be that happy and unstressed just around me. blehh....

retrogroovegrrl i think he is definitely psychologically addicted to it. he says it's his favorite stress reliever and he just about died when he quit for two weeks. he had said he quit for longerat the time (several months ago), but then the other day he told me he was fine for those two weeks.... but the middle of that second week he was saying he's definitely looking forward to smoking again. (he quit just to prove to me that he wasn't addicted, but he's back at it, so if he's not addicted what is it?...) i guess i just don't get that addicted to things and it kind of bothers me when ppl need a permanent crutch like that. i mean, i've gone through bouts of depression in my life but i never got on meds.... ugh, i don't know, maybe i am just being selfish, or maybe i just wont be able to handle it in the long run.

 

Honestly, I don't think that people who have two different ways of living life will make it in the long run. That is just my opinion.

Maybe this guy, regardless of how much you love him right now, just really isn't the one for you. I mean if you are having trouble dealing with this now, how do you think it will be 10 years from now. I just don't think that anyone should go into a relationship, much less a marraige with the notion of changing the other person in any way. Whether you think: "oh he would just be perfect if he didn't do this, or if he did that more", it doesn't matter what the behavior is, if it doesn't mesh with your ideal situation/lover/husband, then chances are it never will and you will just burn yourself out trying to change something that you don't have the power to.

When I was dating different men I made sure that their lifestyle meshed with mine. Meaning I like pot every now and again, so there is no way I could be with someone completely against it and no way I could be with a complete stoner who made it the most important thing in life. I don't date men with different political agendas from mine (because as much as I love to argue, I just know that it will not work out in the long run) and I don't date men of a different religion not because I'm closed minded, but because I don't want to change them and I don't want them to change me. I know that there are many many men out there who are a better fit, so why bother with those who aren't? Same goes for you. There are many other men out there who will cuddle with you at night instead of getting stoned.

Oh yeah and talking to him is good. Best to try that when he isn't stoned. But chances are he won't hear you.

 

cutelildeadbear, tis been awhile. nice seein yer name around. gotsta take issue with a few things

i'd say 50/50. he could have a life changing experience that would turn him around into a more thoughtful person. maybe he'll just plain...wise up? it has happened before. lol you seem to think of bad outcomes.

yeah and it's usually these types that go through life lonely. fact is, you have to change each other [hopefully for the better] in order for it to work. the puzzle doesn't come put together.

what's with the quitter mentality? i don't remember you like that. sounds like you may have had a bitter experience with your above statement. doesn't mean everyone elses situation will turn out the same.

even better, there's one out there who will do both

 

When the cops come, take everything you own and yr kids, then you can figure out where you went wrong.

 

Hey there,
I'm here now and again. Probably won't be pretty soon since I have a new job. Haven't had any bitter experiences personally, I just don't think that you should date someone or marry someone who isn't the person you want them to be. I don't see it as quitting at all. Trying to change someone rarely works. They have to want to change. They have to change themselves. If they change to please someone else, they will resent them. And I doubt that anyone would go through life lonely. Do you realize how many people are out there to date, and perhaps fall in love with? All over the world. I didn't say anyone should be alone, I said that people should seek out others with the same morals and values. It would be irresponsible I think to find someone who is just ok, and think, well if I could only get him to wear Gap jeans and Polo shirts he would be the perfect boyfriend (I just use the easiest analogy that I could think of). But one could also look at it like an abusive relationship. Women always think they can change the man that beats them. They think, well if I do this or I don't do that he will change. It almost never works.

People change, yes, hopefully for the good, but then again who are you or I to judge what is good and bad change, ya know. Sometimes people change in ways that are simply against what some people believe in, but it might be really great for the person who is changing. I simply think that perhaps this boy would be happier with a gal more like him who is into the same things, ie smoking up before bed, and who isn't worried about cuddling so much, and this gal might be better off with a boy who doesn't smoke so much pot and spends a little more time with her.

Like I said I'm not against pot and use it on occasion, but there is absolutely no way in hell I could be with a stoner.

 

It seems that there is a lot of exstrem oposits in here. You should take from them both and get to a good medium. Yes you should find some one who is cambatible to you of coarse. You probly wouldnt be atracted to them if you wernt. But it is ok to want to help some one. And in this case that is what seems to need to be done. Changeing peoples bad habits is not changing who some one is in side. In this case you will most likely bring his personality out more if he didnt smoke. Its been that way for me to an exstrem. I would literaly be high almost 24 hours evey day and i coulnt feel anything. I was emotionless. But when i stoped i started to feel! and i could feel love. Phisical love (not even sex persay) defenetly is so much more easlily endourd when you are in your natural state. getting close and cuddling is so much more disirable when your clean.
But you must beware! helping someone through addiction is risky bissness. Id have to say your best bet is to consult profesional help (counseler)
It you are truly in love with this person and want the best for them then set them free!
Let them open there eyes to life. The biggest reason for people with addiction is to hide from reality. Show this person how wonderful life can be with out being fogged up.
I send you much luck and peace~ good luck sister~

 

Zen I understand what you are saying, however, this isn't just a bad habit. I mean leaving the toilet seat up is a bad habit that lovers can get over, this is a little more serious in my opinion.

If this is a drug problem (which from my standpoint I'm not sure if it is or is not because I only have a piece of the puzzle) then there is nothing she can do except be loving and supportive and find professional help for her boyfriend and encourage (but not enable) him.

And if this isn't the lifestyle she wants to be locked into, then I don't think they should get married because there is a chance that he won't ever change, especially if he has no reason to, because in his mind things seem to be going great.

Now I wish I had a joint to smoke.

 

Im definetly not minimizing the amplitide of the matter but addiction is a sort of habbit, not to make it sound like its no big deal, it is. You are wright tho in that marrage is a far cry from what should take place in this relation ship. both parties should be happy in and out with each other and them selves before such a union takes place.
Im just taking it mostly from the boyfriends point of view. When your doped up all the time even if you only smoke once a day, its still in your sistem and your not thinking properly. Im just saing that if he could get off this crap while hes with her maby there relation ship would get better. well id almost garenty it. if he was strait for a month she would see a realy big improvement. Just stopping for a week or two will show more negitive sides of him only cause he would be withdrwing from it, but after a while he would defenetly open up more and be more emotional and "cuddley"
Im just saing give him a chance. If you dont bring the real him out then youll never know how it could of worked out. good or bad.
Well love and peace to everyone~

 

What if this is the real him? What if his goal in life is to be a stoner. I'm not saying it is, I'm playing the devil's advocate.

My boyfriend was with a girl years ago who was totally against drugs of any kind. She was a total bitch about it. She made my boyfriend quit smoking pot (which again he only did once in a great while) then she proceeded to change him in other ways, made him dress differently, learn about her religion, made him eat differently, she made him be someone else. Granted, he was the fool for doing it, but she tried to change him into what she wanted instead of just going out and finding what she wanted. She found someone who liked her and accepted her (and eventually loved her) and she didn't really like him as much because he wasn't what she was looking for. He was himself and she didn't like the real him. The real him liked to smoke up now and again. And she couldn't accept that. Then one day she finally realized that hey, he isn't what I really want, and she broke up with him, breaking his heart because he tried the best he could to be what she wanted and it still wasn't good enough.

That is why he wouldn't date another woman who tried to change him. Luckily, I have no desire to change him cause I dig him just fine the way he is.

I don't know I just think people should get to know and love the whole package and everything that comes with it. If you don't, then they aren't right for you, but I know for a fact that there are others out there who are, so why not give them a whirl instead of being unhappy and wishing someone would change.

 

the only person you can change is yourself.

if you think that someone needs to change in order to be with you, chances are that the relationship is going to have problems.