Is YOUR little boy at risk of going GAY?

EllisDTripp · Jul 5, 2004

More helpful parenting tips from the "True Christians" at Landover Baptist Church:

http://www.landoverbaptist.org/news0704/homoprevention.html

Is My Little Baby Going to Go Gay?

Handy Homo Prevention Tips For Concerned Parents With Suspect Toddlers

A parent can never act too soon in taking precautionary measures to ensure that their child will never become intoxicated with mommy's perfume and choose to devote his life to being a prancing homo. By being both proactive and willing to inflict welts for Jesus, you can beat Satan at his own sick game and prevent him from turning your impressionable child into an ugly, rotting twig in the family tree crying out for brutal pruning.

Christian Doctors at Landover Baptist Hospital's Homosexual Reparative Extreme-Psycho-Stabilization Ward have put together a handy list of preventative tips for concerned parents with newborns or toddlers. Please print out these Godly reminders and pop them in your purse the moment your water breaks for handy reference.

Early Child Development Homo Prevention Tips

1. A boy must not sit on a toilet unless he is having a bowel movement. Standing straight up, not hunched over while urinating, is a sign of manliness. Squatting on a toilet seat (especially if he hovers to avoid the urine of others or prissily wipes the seat with a square of toilet tissue) to pee is not only effeminate but a sign of shame! It is a secret hobby that homosexuals use in their daily lives. It is a scientific fact that when needing to use the restroom, a male is called upon to engage in the unpleasant undertaking of extruding a poopy in only 1 out of every 3 visits. But homosexuals use all three visits to practice squatting, to limber the cheeks of their bottom in preparation for even the most enormous (Negro) penises. Such calisthenics are neither necessary nor advisable for men who have no intention of squatting over an engorged penis. As soon as your child is able to walk on two feet, you must make that sure he is taught to stand proudly in front of a private or public toilet seat, and to speak not a word, especially in response to the coy whispers of Catholic priests in the next stall.

2. A boy must eat everything on his plate. But if your son pesters you to serve corn on the cob, hot dogs or sausages, that is your signal to change his diet. Try serving meals that more effectively evoke a hankering for the fragrant delights of the female genitalia. An artichoke stuffed with tuna fish will usually do the trick.

3. A boy must always wear socks, except while swimming. So-called, "flip-flops" and "sandals," where the toes and ankles are exposed are products that were created during the (homo)sexual revolution. Creation research indicates that these types of provocative "shoes," were invented by homosexuals in San Fransissyco during the late 1960's with fetishes for little boy ankles. Thwart the perverted delight of these pedo-pedophiles with a thick pair of tube socks!

4. A boy must not be allowed to watch cartoons of any kind. He should spend Saturday mornings sitting quietly by his Father's side (with a respectful 3" between the male bodies), watching sports that don't involved male leotards. He must watch Football, Basketball, Baseball and Boxing. Soccer is not a sport for civilized people and often results in alarmingly long, uncut penises escaping from very alluring satin shorts. Soccer appeals only to poor, uneducated halflings from underdeveloped countries where the women grow mustaches twice as fast as the men. Make your child aware of this. When there are no sports on TV, take your boy out in the backyard and throw the football or play catch with a very hard baseball. Under no circumstances: wrestle in shorts, especially if your son is strapping, handsome and sporting a noticeably turgid crotch.

5. A boy must not play with dolls. If your boy has a young sister, forbid him from entering her room except for the purposes of the type of ordinary heterosexual experimentation that occurs in any Christian household. If you catch your male child playing with dolls, Landover Baptist Child Psychologists recommended that you shave his head, and sit him out at the end of the driveway with a sign around his neck that says, "I'm a Sissy Boy Who Plays With Dolls – Mailman: Why don't you just go ahead and stick something in my mouth?." This method of prevention has a 99.5% success rate (unless your particular mailman is young and attractive).

6. A boy must not refer to his parents as "Mommy" or "Daddy." As soon as your boy is old enough to speak, he must be taught to call his Mother, "Ma," or "Momma" or "Mommie Dearest." When addressing his Father, he should refer to him as, "Sir," "Dad," or "Commander." "Mommy" and "Daddy" are what fey, spoiled boys weaned on effeminacy coo, embarrassing you in front of the neighbors by never keeping the palms of their hands below their waists.

7. A boy must always wear thick, white underwear. White boxers, and/or briefs are acceptable. Your child must be taught that men who wear colored underwear or undergarments that are cut within one inch of the outer periphery of their pubic region or the trough of the valley between the cheeks of their bottom are either European or Homosexual – and in America there is no difference between the two.

8. A boy must never cry or pout. Crying, pouting or showing feelings are weak and feminine traits. After the natural tears of infancy, brought on by a child's traumatic exit from the spiritual realm of Heaven, to the horrible shock every young man experiences in seeing is very own mother's hairy, dilated vagina, and into this Devil run world we call, "Earth," your boy must be taught to stop crying. It usually takes a normal child several weeks to get over its birth – even when using daily submersions into ice-water.If your child is still crying after three weeks, please drop him off at the Creation Science Laboratory for the remainder of the year and for a determination of whether he is worth having back.

9. A boy must not use brightly colored crayons or any crayons from any colors of a rainbow. Christian parents should remove and destroy any suspiciously colored crayons from their boy's box of Crayolas. This needs no explanation, as we here at Landover Baptist are all familiar with Mr. Crayola's so-called "alternate lifestyle," and his reason for putting "Pansy Pink" and "Engorged Penis Head Purple" into his boxes are quite obvious. A boy must also draw in straight lines. Some curves are fine, but if you suspect your child of "doodling," and see that he is using more curves than straight lines, please call your Pastor immediately.

10. A boy must not skip or prance. You must not allow your boy to attend any school where they teach the children to "skip," or play "hopscotch" in Physical Education class. Creation Scientists have proved that such activities are the precursor to cross-dressing, appreciation for poetry, a sardonic display of irony and the rampant shoplifting of skin care products.
Click to expand...

Earthy Mama · Jul 5, 2004

god people are so stupid that they make me sick...

Homosexuality is nothing we can prevent, it has nothing to do with upbringing. The poor little boys who are being brought up this way are just going to mess up the world with their homophobic hate. Croix loves to wear my shoes and carry my purse, its just something cute he does but it has nothing to do with him being gay or not. He takes care of his dolls when I am taking care of Noah, it will make him a good daddy someday. I hope my son gets so female sensitivity rubbed off on him... more men need it.

Thethirdbenjamin · Jul 5, 2004

Actualy it has everything to do with growing up because i can so tell that the user you started this thread grew up thinking that way.

you can control how a person thinks about the issue via how they grew up but you cannot prevent it from happening.

But ya most of it is homophobia, i'm not 100% homophobiac however i whould apprecate it if it homo activities where keep behind closed doors.

geckopelli · Jul 5, 2004

Thethirdbenjamin,

Can you say S-c-a-r-c-a-s-m?

Thethirdbenjamin · Jul 5, 2004

I was just angry about something eles and talking my rage on the topic thats all,
I edited the post.

it sounds like a cult to me

luvndrumn · Jul 5, 2004

Step right up, folks, I've got prime swamp land in Floribama for sale... real cheap... half the normal mark-up. 'Gators extra but at a good value.

No pushing... plenty for all.

Nice find, ellis. ROFLMAO:X

Sage-Phoenix · Jul 6, 2004

LMAO these people are joking, right?

Oh dear, my poor brother must be completely gay by now.

TTFN
Sage

geckopelli · Jul 6, 2004

I'm too lazy too check, but someone told me that site comes with a disclaimer saying it's intention is satirical?

luvndrumn · Jul 6, 2004

I don't know about the disclaimer, but this picture, which accompanies the article, should give some indication of their intent.

Think any Christian groups would post this on their website?

EllisDTripp · Jul 6, 2004

A line from the LBC "Terms of Service" page at:

http://www.landoverbaptist.org/tos.html

The Landover Baptist Church is a complete work of fiction. It is a satire/parody.
Click to expand...

I always thought that the best satire was the stuff that is so close to reality that you can never be sure. There actually are bible-thumping nutjobs out there who BELIEVE this kind of shit. Fred Phelps and "godhatesfags.com", for example....

geckopelli · Jul 6, 2004

You sure had Thethirdbenjamin fired up for a minute there!

Thethirdbenjamin · Jul 6, 2004

"8. A boy must never cry or pout. Crying, pouting or showing feelings are weak and feminine traits. "

So are the baptisit church saying that, not that i should but if i pushed a baby down and any cries of pain are considered "too feminine"???

What do you expect from the infant to take the pain without saying and doing anything??? give me a break

what if a man is in horible pain at the hospital and is on morphine, let's say he lost two of his legs, any cries of pain from him are consedered gay and to feminene.?????

what do they expect people to take on superhuman strength as opposed to moaning in agany???

Meeshka Chaukinov · Jul 6, 2004

Thethirdbenjamin said:

"8. A boy must never cry or pout. Crying, pouting or showing feelings are weak and feminine traits. "

So are the baptisit church saying that, not that i should but if i pushed a baby down and any cries of pain are considered "too feminine"???

What do you expect from the infant to take the pain without saying and doing anything??? give me a break

what if a man is in horible pain at the hospital and is on morphine, let's say he lost two of his legs, any cries of pain from him are consedered gay and to feminene.?????

what do they expect people to take on superhuman strength as opposed to moaning in agany???
Click to expand...

read the thread, grasshopper. andwho, by these standards, i'm the faggiest fag that's ever been a fag. you know, fag is an offensive word and is rather rude, but it sure is fun to say...

tom · Jul 7, 2004

A boy must never cry or pout. Crying, pouting or showing feelings are weak and feminine traits. "

I SECOND THAT

So are the baptisit church saying that, not that i should but if i pushed a baby down and any cries of pain are considered "too feminine"???

YES, That makes you a pussy.

What do you expect from the infant to take the pain without saying and doing anything???

YES. If not, that infant is a pussy.

what if a man is in horible pain at the hospital and is on morphine, let's say he lost two of his legs, any cries of pain from him are consedered gay and to feminene.?????

YES. That makes him a big gay pussy.

what do they expect people to take on superhuman strength as opposed to moaning in agany???

YES. People with superhuman strength and those who moan in agony are all pussyies.

Guitar_god_ · Jul 10, 2004

An artichoke stuffed with tuna fish will usually do the trick.HAHAHAHAHAHA, that's probably the funniest thing I've ever seen! Oh man...

HappyHaHaGirl · Jul 10, 2004

hehe...that's really cute. I love potentially offensive humor.

bradofcentralpa · Jul 10, 2004

geckopelli said:

Thethirdbenjamin,

Can you say S-c-a-r-c-a-s-m?
Click to expand...

thank GOD somebody has a clue

nimh · Jul 10, 2004

there's some hella funny material on that site

Kastenfrosch · Jul 12, 2004

all us europeans are gay.....hahahah LOL. And you guys know what? here in germany it's not even unusual for grown up men to pee sitting!!! ( I am serious)

Midget · Jul 15, 2004

Haha...funny stuff.

Log in or Sign up

Is YOUR little boy at risk of going GAY?

EllisDTripp Green Secessionist

Earthy Mama Feel my wrath... ;)

Thethirdbenjamin Member

geckopelli Senior Member

Thethirdbenjamin Member

luvndrumn Hip Forums Supporter HipForums Supporter

Sage-Phoenix Imagine

geckopelli Senior Member

luvndrumn Hip Forums Supporter HipForums Supporter

EllisDTripp Green Secessionist

geckopelli Senior Member

Thethirdbenjamin Member

Meeshka Chaukinov Senior Member

tom Member

Guitar_god_ Member

HappyHaHaGirl HipForums Princess

bradofcentralpa Member

nimh ~foodie~

Kastenfrosch Blaubeerkuchen!! Lifetime Supporter

Midget Senior Member

Log in or Sign up

Is YOUR little boy at risk of going GAY?

EllisDTripp Green Secessionist

Earthy Mama Feel my wrath... ;)

Thethirdbenjamin Member

geckopelli Senior Member

Thethirdbenjamin Member

luvndrumn Hip Forums Supporter HipForums Supporter

Sage-Phoenix Imagine

geckopelli Senior Member

luvndrumn Hip Forums Supporter HipForums Supporter

EllisDTripp Green Secessionist

geckopelli Senior Member

Thethirdbenjamin Member

Meeshka Chaukinov Senior Member

tom Member

Guitar_god_ Member

HappyHaHaGirl *HipForums Princess*

bradofcentralpa Member

nimh ~foodie~

Kastenfrosch Blaubeerkuchen!! Lifetime Supporter

Midget Senior Member

Useful Searches

HappyHaHaGirl HipForums Princess