Would This Make You Want To Read More?

The throne was shining silver, shimmering atop the steps, reflecting the stars lighting the void outside. This royal chair, decorated in purple jewels and green gems, supported the ass of none other than, His Royal Highness, Supreme King Golahnd The 4th, Lord of The HorseHead Nebula!
King Golahnd, who led by strong word and mighty blade. His Majesty Golahnd, who ruled among the people. Golahnd, our beloved Lord, who, upon invasion, fought and died triumphantly in battle against our cybernetic foes. King Golahnd, who's noble seed would lead the last of our people to reclaim our home.
King Golahnd, whom I shall murder.

 

Yeahhhhhhhh!!!!!!

 

Thanks!

 

hey man i love intros and usually they're boring and long winded but u did good...but if u wanted to make it kick ass, just round it to mention something the reader can relate to...u sounded like u were making up random words and u have to mention like something about earth. yeah thatd be kick ass. or humans.

and give ur narrator a personality. he sounds all official then he menitons its where the kings ass lays? come on! like in the second paragraph when hes telling u all the people have it say and yadda yadda yadda u know something an average schmuck like me would say.

but i like it. and i'm high.

 

not really, and i read a lot.

 

No.

 

fucking top class!!!!!!! its queen and spangles and space trips and primal urges... riches, power, lift off and possibilities of the universe...... WICKKKKKEDDD!!!!!!!!!! i love the bold style too... its like a smack in the face... gorgeous bright imagery and invitaion to share the experince of your world through that sensual delight, and passionatte vibes......

 

Hey, thanks a lot for your honest opinions.

Here's the rest of it, recently finished for my buddy's magazine:

The Bastard King of Nowhere​

​

*To be read in a British accent*​

by Kevin Knobloch​

The throne is shining silver, shimmering atop the steps, reflecting the stars lighting the void outside. This royal chair, decorated in purple jewels and green gems, supports the ass of none other than His Royal Highness, Supreme King Golahnd The 4th, Lord of The HorseHead Nebula!

King Golahnd, who leads by strong word and mighty blade. His Majesty Golahnd, who rules among the people. Our Lord Golahnd, whose fathers before him fought against the invading cybernetic foes. King Golahnd, whose noble seed will lead the last of our people to reclaim our home.

King Golahnd, whom I shall murder.



***



The High Chamber of the King was crowded. The entire crew of The Defender had been assembled. The Defender was the key flagship in the Fleet of Golahnd, taking a strategic position on the fringe of the galaxy, where our King commanded the troops combating the Robot Forces. We had been living in the immense vessel for four generations, growing our food in the farming levels and making weapons of war in the factory bowels of the ship.

One hundred years ago, after the first Golahnd lost his head to the blade of Chronicus the Robot King, we were forced to evacuate our resource-rich home of Katheria and take to the stars, but the might of Man would not be so easily squandered. We never took our eyes off the blue orb that bore us, and the young baby Golahnd the 2nd would grow into a great leader like his father, winning the galaxy back star by star.

Though we had not orbited a sun since Katheria, time felt just the same, and we have not given up the battle yet. Succeeding the second Golahnd was a third, who in turn brought a fourth, my eyes now gazing upon him. To the King’s right hand stood a tall, young man in violet royal garment; this was Prince Golahnd the 5th, obviously eager to take control, his dark hair matching his eyes. An air of snootiness surrounded him at all times.

The Supreme King rose from the throne, maroon robes flowing beneath the golden crown. Long locks of gray hair told of his age. He cleared his throat before speaking.

“Royal subjects,” he began, “I have summoned you here in case of terrific news!”

The crowd folk looked around at each other, on edge and awaiting my call. I turned my head left, nodding to my friend Ehroth. Slowly, we unsheathed our daggers, and I thought of moments past.

How did it come to this?



***



We gathered round a table, seven of us. Ehroth and I stood at the head; our five friends from the farming floor sat in a semicircle.

“So what is it you called us here for, Rehmis?” asked Barth, leader of Farming Platoon 13.

“Fellow farmers, I have summoned you here in case of terrible news.” I gave dramatic pause as the crew silently stared ahead.

Ehroth took a step forward. “Gentlemen, we all know Rehmis is a wise and just man.” He looked across the center of the table. “Murco, just last week, Rehmis convinced the King not to recruit your wife to his concubine, because of her bad legs.”

Murco looked at me and nodded. “So that’s why you kicked her in the shins.”

“Yes, my friend,” I replied. “The decision to do so was made in haste, for he surely would have taken her from you, and the Prince would have her to himself.”

Murco grunted in understanding. I went on.

“So, my being wise and just is a pretext for the information I will now divulge to you; information you would have not believed otherwise.

“While rummaging through the trash pit one day, I came across a transcript communiqué; a message from the King Himself.”

Barth piped up. “What did it say?”

I gave the table the sternest of looks. “I think you had better read it yourselves,” I sat down and brought forth a piece of paper, dated back several weeks. My tablemates shifted with interest as I passed this document around.



It read:

“From the esteemed council of Golahnd the 4th,

To my friend and business partner, Chronicus the Robot King,

Everything is going as planned. Upon receiving these six shipments of precious food material, feel free to trade further throughout the system. I’m happy to accept our usual deal of 20 percent profits. Have them delivered to my moon palace orbiting Katheria.

As for the humans, The Defender has a crew of three hundred farmers and metal workers that I would be glad to rid myself of. This time, I will tell them the war for Katheria is over, I will put them on a transport, and they shall be promptly shipped to your mining planet Ohkron 5 where you may do with them as you please.

This trade shall call a peaceful end to the treaty as signed by yourself and my father, Golahnd the 3rd. My son, the Prince, and I will proceed to pilot our ship out of the system and head back toward the more Human sectors of the Universe.

Once again, I would like to thank you for your generosity and compliance over the years. When I plot a new home, I shall notify you of lucrative offers in the area so that we may both reap the rewards of our partnership in business and politics.

Peace to you, oh King of Robots.

Best regards and wishes,

Supreme King Golahnd the 4th, with Prince Golahnd the 5th.”



Their dropped jaws said enough.

“Impossible!” Barth cried. “How could the King do such a thing?”

“The how isn’t important,” I cut in. “The fact is, we are being betrayed and sold to our enemies!”

Ehroth stepped up. “We need to spread the word among the crew that Golahnd is a liar and a thief. For generations our blood has worked and slaved under a lie, so Golahnd could trade with the enemy for his own profit! The Robot War ended during the reign of Golahnd the 3rd!” Ehroth pounded his fist on the table, driving home the point of treachery. “Why do you think the Prince is such a little snot? He knows what he has been born into, his own plantation!”

“A moon palace orbiting Katheria,” mumbled Murco. “The bastard.”

“Yes,” I concurred. “The bastard traitor.” I stood up.

“He must die.”



***



So there we were, watching our King rise from his throne, but he was not our King anymore. The eternal liar spoke.

“Royal subjects,” he began. “I have summoned you here in case of terrific news!”

The people were restless. A murmur swept through the crowd. Golahnd went on, and we drew our daggers.

“The war for Katheria is over!” he proudly proclaimed, expecting uproarious applause. Instead he received dead silence. You could have heard crickets if the ship had any. After a moment an angry peasant spoke up.

“The war has been over!” More peasants started to shout.

“We know your father made a secret treaty with the hideous robots!”

“Boo to Golahnd!”

The King looked shocked.

A commotion was being stirred. At this point Prince Golahnd stepped forward and spoke down to the crowd,

“Show some respect to Golahnd the King!”

“Golahnd the liar!” shot back a metal worker. “You’re going to ship us to Ohkron 5 to mine for the robots!”

The King stuttered, stunned. “Ohkron 5? There…there’s no such planet as Ohkron 5! Whatever are you talking about?”

“Lies!” shouted the crowd. They began to advance; Ehroth and I snuck toward the back of the chamber.

“Guards!” called the King. “Guards?”

But we had the guards, and their swords faced the royal duo in anger. The King’s jaw lowered as a cold fear enveloped him. The Prince drew a sword and jumped in front of his father.

“Keep back, you dirty vermin!” he screamed, swinging the blade to and fro. He covered his father the frightened King from the front, leaving the back open, and I crept up behind the King, locking him in my arm with my dagger to his throat.

“Son!” he cried. The Prince turned, his expression morphing from hatred to horror, matching that of his father’s. Everything was falling down around them. Prince Golahnd came closer.

“Let go of my father, you farming weasel!”

Like a bolt of lightning, Ehroth sprung from behind me and threw a blade that cut through the air like a missile, lodging into the Prince’s chest. The crowd roared in vengeful excitement. Prince Golahnd dropped his sword and grasped at the handle that stuck from his heart. Moaning his last breath, he fell to his knees and collapsed on the floor.

“No!” yelled the King. He elbowed my ribs and managed to escape my hold, running and kneeling to his fallen son. The King placed his cold, old fingers to the Prince’s neck; he was gone for good. Frantically King Golahnd felt for his son’s sword, and would have had it had I not picked it up first. I stood over the blubbering coward of a King, the point of his son’s blade between his eyes.

“Take off that crown,” I calmly commanded. He did so, and the heavy gold symbol of rule clunked to the floor. Without hesitation I drew back, and lopped the bastard’s head clean off. Blood spurted from the stump of a neck; the head of the king-no-more rolled along the ground, confused terror forever frozen on his face.

The people cheered like I had never heard.

“All hail Rehmis the wise!”



***



Within moments the mess had been cleaned up; the remains of our vile leaders were spaced out the air lock. We commandeered the control room and brought the power generators up to full. It was time to finally find a new home. The grudge against our robot enemies vanished and was forgotten, as we sailed between stars, searching for a planet that would take us in. Everyone kept working at their stations, and we feasted night after night, smiles never fading, their eyes glistening with glee.

The fools, I thought.

Even Ehroth never knew.

While rummaging through the trash pit one day, I came across an old radio receiver, through which I heard the news that the Robot War had finally ended, and we could now go back to Katheria to live under the rule of Golahnd.

I had no desire to keep my serfdom.

So I forged a transcript communiqué.

And now the crown sits atop my head nicely.

The end.

Sorry if this post is super long.

Thank you very much.

 

i think that it was a bit too unsubtle.

 

No.

To me it's just words on a page, what grabs my attention is images in my head.

When you learn writing you will keep on hearing this repeated over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over:

Use referances to the senses.

I mean yes, you referenced the senses, but it seemed to be just a bit on the side - for me I prefer it to read as if the details about the kings etc is the bit on the side, just some context so that the rest of it makes sense.

Remember to make it a story.

Blessings

Sebbi

 

USE REFERENCES TO THE SENSES.

you are very flip, guy. inject some subtlety. don't hit us over the head with EVERY SINGLE THING. reads more like a plot summary than a story. little-to-no emotion involved.

that being said, it's a super start, and it's more than most people do. keep chugging, bro!

 

Hey thank you all very much.

Yeah, you're totally right, i did no senses whatsoever
my excuse is that it takes place on a space ship the entire time
right when i thought of that excuse, a whole bunch of sense examples came in my head that i'll throw in.
but, and this seriously isnt an excuse, i had to shorten it and edit a lot of the plot to cut it down to fit in this guy's zine. "reads more like a plot summary" yeah pretty much.
but yeah, appeal to the senses, genuis.

much thanks,
kev

 

No, I'll stick to reading Non-Fiction and watching movies.

 

if you take out some of those "who"'s then you'll have real sentances.

Example

King Golahnd, who led by a strong word and mighty blade.

"who led by a strong word and mighty blade" is a adjective subordinate clause describing King Golahnd. The setance contains no action so it is not a sentance.

If you remove the word "who" it will become a sentance

King Golahnd led by a strong word and mighty blade.


As for your question, I might want to read more, but I really wouldn't want to. You need to make King Golahnd either

A) much bigger of an asshole, somebody who I'd love to see you kill

or

B) Somebody who I am repulsed that you are thinking of killing. Why would you want to hurt such a wonderful person?

Also if your creative enough you could do something else with him depending on what your reason for murdering him is or use your imagination to think of something else entirely. So you have good luck with that.

 

You don't need perfect sentence structure to formulate a great story, but you'd be far better off being more liberal with grammar further on in your plot. You did say, however, that you condensed the volume of your story for a website, so perhaps that's the reason.

People are nitpicky about what they read. Straying from the narrow path they lead all their life, such as has been set for them from an early age by school, friends and family, their minds tend to be suspicious against something new, unless there's a quick following of media coverage and admiring fans.

So, my suggestion is to capture your reader's imagination from the first three sentences, but don't make them incoherent. Later on, when you've built your characters and the reader has been drawn into your universe then you can show them your real genius and creativity.

In a way it's sad, I know, but we're only people. Far from perfect. Don't give up if it's something you really love. Fantasy/SF is a wonderful genre.