I have spent my entire life planning my future. When I get to that future, I never live it because I am too busy planning what I will do next. I am so bored with my life, even though I have done some really fun/crazy things. I am never satisfied, and I honestly think its because I have never had anyone to do these things with. I constantly travel, its like I try to keep myself occupied with these crazy adventures to keep my mind off the fact that I have no one to share it with. I used to be really popular in high school, and my senior year its like i just got sick of it. I was such an overachiever, I think I burnt-out. Now, I'm ready to drop out of college, and just travel and paint and go to shows. I went from teachers pet to barely even going to class. I have had boughts of depression, and I've finally moved to a place where I think I can ween myself off of my anti-depressants, but my eating disorder has come back, but I'm not even losing weight from it- in fact I think I'm gaining. But its like I don't even care anymore. I was so obsessed with it for so many years that now I'm just like fuck it. I blame the fact that I don't have anyone to live this crazy life with on the way that I look - when in all reality I just think I am vein and selfish for thinking that. I lived my entire childhood doing things because I knew that it would please other people - my teachers and parents had such high hopes for me, always thought I would excel. I'm so sick of living for other peoples expectations and to impress others. What do I want to do with my life? I don't know what to do. I'm in my hardest semester of school, and I don't even give a fuck anymore.
Cos youre a gemini hun...ill let anna explain, shell do a better job. Love-Maxi.Xx P.s-I have exactly the same problem as you. Im restless, always wanting to be on the move...yet i dont really have anyone close to me to share things deeply with. I live in tomorrow...every day i make new plans for the future. But i suppose its only now that im facing the hard, cold truth. And the truth is-theres no guarantee ill be alive tomorrow. And so while some planning is good, im going to have to learn to enjoy today for todays sake a little more. Ive joined college and started to try and make friends and enjoy the journey towards my goals. I think thats the key. To have plans, but to enjoy the waiting for the new stuff to happen, too. Anyway i may be able to write more later...a little rushed. But the main thing is-youve recognised what youre doing and realise you maybe need to slow down...and some people reach the end of their lives too quickly and never realise. Xx
"ppl born on may 25 must constantly fight their fear of rejection. learning to be less fearful in general is important for them, no matter how forceful they may seem on the outside. building a foundation of self-confidence will guarantee them success in the world and keep them from sabotaging their own plans. those born on this day must find a way to live by their code of eithics without paralyzing themselves in introspection or self criticism otherwise, they run the danger of becoming unrealistic about what they believe and a bit out of touch with their true needs. According to the astrology of your day of birth, you need to think things out carefully before setting out on your path; avoid rash or angry decisions. """ like she said, its a gemini thing to want to go out and be adventurous. hey bore easily, and generaly prefer going out in search of excitement to staying home and enjoying security and simple pleasures. being a gemini, you may never be satisfied when it comes to traveling etc, but yeah, you might enjoy it more if you had a mate to go with you. some day youll find someone who enjoys the same things you do, just dont chose a cancer (they like to stay home). what kind of eating disorder do you have and what kind of antidepressions are you taking? Ive delt with a both.
Thanks for replying. That sounds relatively true - except growing up, I was the most confident person ever and didn't even realize it. It's like the concept of insecurity didn't even exsist to me untill I reached high school. And when I didn't understand what insecurity was, I was very successful in anything I set my mind to. And now, when it seems like all my friends are done with their akward stage (jr high, etc) and are comfortable with their lives and settling down, its like I'm in the height of my akward stage and could not be more insecure, therefore I am not succeeding at anything I put my mind too. In fact, not only am I just not succeeding I find myself self-sabotaging myself daily. I can't stop it. The more that I want something, the more I set my mind to it, its like I self-consciously do everything I can against what it is I am trying to achieve. For example the demon that has plagued my every thought for the past 5 years of my life: my weight. I have transitioned through several eating disorders starting in high school - which back then I didn't even realize I had one, I was so engrossed in it. It started out just with exercise bulemia, into bulemia, back to exercise bulemia, back to bulemia, and now its like I just have binge eating disorder - I'm not even purging. Therefore I'm gaining weight. Its so frustrating because I just can't quit. I even joined Jenny Craig last week, so I could get a healthy pattern and I wouldn't have to think about what to eat and someone would hold me accountable - I even sabotaged that. I binged. I have weigh in today, and I am even embarrassed to go in. I am ruining my life. If I stay on this path, I don't even know where I am going to end up - but fat and broke will be the conditions. My parents are going to be so disappointed when they see me in December. I would love to be able to walk off of the plane and have them be in shock of how good and healthy I look. I want it so bad... more than anything right now. I am on Welbutrin. Which did me wonders when I started taking it - but now I feel like it causes me to be up and down drastically more than before. I didnt' take it for two days and I felt much more normal again. So, I think its time that I ween off of them. How do I get rid of this? I just want to live my life. I know I am capable of doing good things - but why am I not letting myself? I don't want to look back and regret being so unhappy over something like this during the time in my life that is supposed to be my craziest, care free times. I am ruining my life, and before I know it, I will be old and even unhappier that I did not take the full advantage of life while I had it. This needs to end soon. This past 5 years is eating me. I am turning 20 years old this next May and my one wish is that I would spend this birthday truly happy. Happy to be me, satisfied with the way I look and feel. And just be with my family and friends and enjoy their company instead of being selfish and having my brain constantly pick away at me. ps. I have been to a therapist, which by the way was probably the hardest thing I ever had to admit and tell my father that I needed to do. That goes along with the whole, 'independent, I don't need anyone else' ego I have... and all it did was give me a temporary confidence boost...she was even an eating disorder specialist. Nada. Wasted money.
well, with the eating, i think that perhaps your using food to satisfy the emptiness that you have that needs to be filled. what you need to do is instead of eating, find something else to occupy yourself when you feel that your not satisfied with how everything is. with antidepressents, you usually end up becoming immune to them, and they lose their effect. you may need to call your doctor and let them know that your meds arent working anymore, and theyll change you to something different like lexapro, and youll start to feel as good as you did when you first started taking wellbutrin. im not a big fan of welbutrin, becuase that specific med can really start to fuck with ppl's minds for some reason. but anyways, when your anti depressant becomes inaffective like i was saying, how your immune to it now, you actually end up getting depressed and alot of times you feel like you just want to give up on everything, like theres no hope and you just dont want to try anymore. i think that if you change your antidepressant, then in a few days to a week you'll start to feel alot better, and start enjoying things again, and that will make a big difference in your life and the way you feel about it now. the same thing has happened to me several times, and i would alot like you do now. and hopefully, if you decide to change your meds, you can feel happy doing the things you used to enjoy and then you wont need to fill that emptiness with food. hopefully ive been at least a bit helpful.
I have spent my entire life planning my future. When I get to that future, I never live it because I am too busy planning what I will do next. I am so bored with my life, even though I have done some really fun/crazy things. I am never satisfied, and I honestly think its because I have never had anyone to do these things with.- Lonlieness is a killer. I constantly travel, its like I try to keep myself occupied with these crazy adventures to keep my mind off the fact that I have no one to share it with. I used to be really popular in high school, and my senior year its like i just got sick of it. I was such an overachiever, I think I burnt-out. Now, I'm ready to drop out of college, and just travel and paint and go to shows. I went from teachers pet to barely even going to class. I have had boughts of depression, and I've finally moved to a place where I think I can ween myself off of my anti-depressants, but my eating disorder has come back, but I'm not even losing weight from it- in fact I think I'm gaining. But its like I don't even care anymore. I was so obsessed with it for so many years that now I'm just like fuck it. I blame the fact that I don't have anyone to live this crazy life with on the way that I look - when in all reality I just think I am vein and selfish for thinking that.- Your not vien and selfish for thinking that. Your lonlieness and stress is causing you to be depressed (which you know) and is causing you to eat and that is causing even more stress which is leading you even deeper into depression. I lived my entire childhood doing things because I knew that it would please other people - my teachers and parents had such high hopes for me, always thought I would excel. I'm so sick of living for other peoples expectations and to impress others. What do I want to do with my life?- You are a good exapmle of the bad things of the generation Y. Incase you are unfamiliar, generation Y is the generation that is growing up with computers, cell phones, ect... But your actually different. The youngest are in diapers now and the oldest are collage. You want to please your parents and people? That is exactilly what most y (teenagers usually) s today do. You need to stop caring what your parents what and start figuring out what you want (I.E. somebody to hang out with?). I don't know what to do. I'm in my hardest semester of school, and I don't even give a fuck anymore.- You have way too much stress on you. Part of it is from trying to be the best, these really high expectations. I know its hard to face it, but no matter what, there are always going to be people who are prettier than you, smarter than you, and whatelse. You for the sake of your mind need to stop focusing on "Being the best" and work on "being a part of the team". Does this really work? Ehhh.... just don't depend on other people. People have insane standards on how girls should look. I don't really know how you are right now just work on being healthy (which has been corrupted, when I say that I mean just eat healthy, excercise say.... 30 minutes 3 times a week, and don't worry about weight or how you look, which your not really doing). I think if you feel like your eating right and maintaining the same weight you'll feel better, but with eating disorders you need to seek help.
That sounds relatively true - except growing up, I was the most confident person ever and didn't even realize it. It's like the concept of insecurity didn't even exsist to me untill I reached high school. And when I didn't understand what insecurity was, I was very successful in anything I set my mind to. And now, when it seems like all my friends are done with their akward stage (jr high, etc) and are comfortable with their lives and settling down, its like I'm in the height of my akward stage and could not be more insecure, therefore I am not succeeding at anything I put my mind too. In fact, not only am I just not succeeding I find myself self-sabotaging myself daily. I can't stop it. The more that I want something, the more I set my mind to it, its like I self-consciously do everything I can against what it is I am trying to achieve. For example the demon that has plagued my every thought for the past 5 years of my life: my weight.- Its stress, you have way too much pressure on you and you can't handle it so your shutting down. I have transitioned through several eating disorders starting in high school - which back then I didn't even realize I had one, I was so engrossed in it. It started out just with exercise bulemia, into bulemia, back to exercise bulemia, back to bulemia, and now its like I just have binge eating disorder - I'm not even purging. Therefore I'm gaining weight. Its so frustrating because I just can't quit. I even joined Jenny Craig last week, so I could get a healthy pattern and I wouldn't have to think about what to eat and someone would hold me accountable - I even sabotaged that. I binged. I have weigh in today, and I am even embarrassed to go in. I am ruining my life. If I stay on this path, I don't even know where I am going to end up - but fat and broke will be the conditions. My parents are going to be so disappointed when they see me in December. I would love to be able to walk off of the plane and have them be in shock of how good and healthy I look. I want it so bad... more than anything right now.- I think your parents would rather see you walk off that plane happy than healthy. Happy is healthy in a way, or once your happy you can be healthy. I am on Welbutrin. Which did me wonders when I started taking it - but now I feel like it causes me to be up and down drastically more than before. I didnt' take it for two days and I felt much more normal again. So, I think its time that I ween off of them.- Call doctor. How do I get rid of this? I just want to live my life. I know I am capable of doing good things - but why am I not letting myself? I don't want to look back and regret being so unhappy over something like this during the time in my life that is supposed to be my craziest, care free times. I am ruining my life, and before I know it, I will be old and even unhappier that I did not take the full advantage of life while I had it. This needs to end soon. This past 5 years is eating me. I am turning 20 years old this next May and my one wish is that I would spend this birthday truly happy. Happy to be me, satisfied with the way I look and feel. And just be with my family and friends and enjoy their company instead of being selfish and having my brain constantly pick away at me.- Step 1 Lose Stress Don't care what people think of your body, don't try to live up to their expectations. You need to reduce stress badly. Also call doctor and ask about meds please, meds are dangerous. Step 2 Make Friends Sounds weird, and I don't have many friends myself, but all you have to do is be nice to people. Get invovled in an activity or something, but not a stressful activity. Lastly like somebody said, focus on enjoying the moment with the people around you rather than planning for the future. Don't stress over collage, just go. If you don't make an A or whatever, just forget it. Collage will end and then life will begin.
Thanks for you guys' input - I agree with everything you've said. The only problem is, I know all of this, I've been told all of this. In fact, my parents my entire life have told me to chill out. I know the root of my problems, but for some reason the harder I try to change, the worse I get. 75% of the reason I moved to Hawaii was because of my depression. Better weather, new environment...etc, and I at first I was cured, it was sooo great, but now I am back in my old ways. I would love to just be able to call my doctor, but the problem is, my doctor is my dad. It broke his heart when I told him that I needed to go on anti-ds in the first place. Now, he thinks Im happy finally, bc sometimes I really am... but why can't it be consistent? I hate it that my parents worry about me now... I feel so guilty for burdening them like that. Plus, meds are so expensive. - so I feel guilty about that too. I know exactly the root of all my problems, why I eat...etc, etc. But its exactly like you said, its like I've just given up. The thing is, I have the best friends in the world. I am around great company all the time and could not ask for a closer, better group of friends... but I'm still like this. I think its a matter of breaking habit at this point. How do I get out of this cycle? This isn't the life I need to be living. I could be doing great things...really making a difference in other peoples and my life... how do I break the cycle? It's second nature now, its automatic, its like I can't fight it. I think I'm in need of an exorcism. or a personal guru.
phishbowl, I understand how you feel. I went through a time almost exactly like you described. I don't have a lot to say as you will have to find your own path, but for what it's worth I want to let you know you're not alone. God knows it sure feels like it sometimes. But you're not.
thanks guys - I think what is so frustrating is that this has been going on for so long now - years. I am so tired of getting so excited about finding a solution, going for it, and then just failing again. I wake up everyday wondering if today will be different. I'm pretty sure it is just a matter of breaking habit at this point. I'm not sure what to do about meds. I think I will go a week without them, see how it goes.. it sure feels nice not being dependent on them these past few days. If it gets terrible, then I will get the courage to talk to my dad about it. One of the biggest decisions I need to make is what I need to be studying in school. I am really bored with school right now - and I think I have come to the conclusion that it is because I am not exercising my creativity. I am studying all sciences, and since I was very young I have been obsessed, and constantly occupied with creating art... So where do go I with this? What degree can I get that will be productive for me when I am out on my own? Life's strange how it catches you off-guard. I probably should have known that I had this coming - life was too easy growing up, always happy, never a problem in the world - I just assumed that it would always be like that... I was almost pompous about it I guess, thinking that I was on the fast-track above everyone. So, this is my kick in the ass - I need to make the most of it... but I wish it would end all ready.
