Since i was a child, i have never been granted the privilages of a normail life. My mom left me as a child, and that has permanatly damaged me. I try not to let it bother me but what can i do? this is an ongoing situation that HAS to stop. It makes me want to hurt myself. But i dont/ i want to hurt her by hurting me. and i dont know what to do! could SOMEONE help me?
hey.. thanks, butttt my mom, i dont REALLY care about her. I only want to know how it feels to have a mom, i just feel like i am missing out on so many things.. The thing is she has been trying to get to me by forcibly making me stay with her and because of our fucked up court system, i had to. So that made me hate her MORE than i already do for abonadoning me.. The only few memories i have of just her is her doing heroine and extasy and bad shit like that.. i dont want a mother like that, and that is why i envy so many, i just want it to go away!!
if only life were that perfect... She tried to contact me by going to the courts after I stopped answering her phone calls and then she made me stay with her against my will.. that wont score you any points. Yes she is still doing drugs, and yes i still hate her and yes i still envy others but i caaannnntttt heeellllppp itttt. arrrrrrrrrrrgggggggg
quote; (yes i still envy others but i caaannnntttt heeellllppp itttt. ) Hi Nightstar I have been reading this post, and the reply's. I have thought of a hundred things to say, and wondered, doubted from within if you would want to hear any of them. I do understand this place of frustration, and emotions within you. Just last week the bodies of my sister, and four others were discovered. Everyone doubted these graves existed, and what happened to these ones who once lived. Some of my memories are no longer counted as forgotten imaginations, and doubts that such cruelity could have existed. I sit here with a scar on my ankle from the chains that once held me. My sister died in that room, and on, and on the stories, or nightmares go. The beatings rapes, shallow grave, the abandoment, and pure hatred. The alcohol, and the mental crazies that drove some of my siblings over the edge. Need I go on. My greatest healing was the power to forgive, and see myself from the higher self asking me to be true to myself. To let go of the emotions. To embrace the lessons.To find its not what others do, did, are doing, or will do....this is about your own choice. Your willingness to move beyond the emotions, and co-dependent place of feel sorry for me moments. We all have been there. What is "NORMAL" ask any one, and any one will say normal is as much as an illusion as security. We are our own gods, and devils. When I faced my mother, and honestly told her I loved her, she could not find a way to love me. She said her pain was to great, and she was familiar with what she knew. Who knows I could be in her shoes, and she in mine. To honor, love, and know spirit you must know who you are, and honor you. Be true to yourself, and leave yourself no excuse to feel sorry that you did not have a "Normal" life This is not about your mother. This is about your choices. This is about what you choose, and what is right, and true for you. Every choice is a path. No judgement. Just a choice to go one way or another. By your own words you choose truth, lies, love or envey and on and on... We are our own circles. Until you face this place inside yourself, you will love others no more than you love your own heart. Having a perfect mother would not change this. Who knows your mother may be just what you need to help you face your own reflections, and heart. She may be your greatest teacher...But you choose the lessons you want to draw unto yourself, and to face. There are millions who have it far worse than you do, or did. There are millions who seem to have things far more perfect than you do, or did. Comparing gets you no where. Who you choose to become is your choice. What you do with your lessons is your choice. How you act out, and behave is you choosing to. The woe is me gets old, and stale. The courage to reach beyond yourself, and circumstances is what gives you life, and fire within to believe in yourself. You don't like your path then change it. You are your choices, and these are not based on what others do, or did to you. As a retired nurse I reach back in time to this cold rainy night in the childrens ward to when I held a seven year old girl all broken, and bruised. The IV lines tangled around us as she struggled with her mind, and pain. The rain beat against the window. Thunder, and lightening stayed the night. In the moring her restlessness slowed down as the sun came in, and this rainbow crossed the sky. She looked up at me, and said she felt lucky. She had seen her first rainbow. Yes her mother in a drunken rage had almost beaten this child to death, and did not even remember this. The child waited for her mother throughout the day, and about supper time her mother came in with a light brown teddy bear with a blue ribbon tied to the neck. The mother would not be taking her daughter home with her. Social services stepped in. But in the midst of the greatest storm she knew the seven year old girl felt she was lucky because she saw a rainbow. Where you put your focus does matter, and yes....YES you can help that, and you can choose.
Thank you soo much. I usually don't dread on this though. Its just.. now, now it is bothering me more than it ever has, and why? I don't know... that is what is making me upset. I posted a thread for you to see more about my mother and such, just if you wanted, maybe that would help you understand more of it. I'm sorry about you sisters. So sorry.
