gay man afraid of gay men--HELP!!!!

I know this is going to sound weird, but it is true. I'm a gay man, and I'm afraid of gay men.

Most of my experiences around other gay men have been disappointing at best, and downright awful at worst. I don't go to gay bars much because I usually don't enjoy them. I've been feeling extremely depressed and down and lonely lately, so I hiked out to a gay bar in my town last night. It was just awful. I always feel like I'm not gay enough or too gay or I am invisible or I am judged or I don't fit in.

It's like I'm having a big panic attack, and I don't know how to handle it.

Gay bars are the absolute worst for me, but even gay parties and meetings of gay groups can be challenging. It's difficult for me to open my mouth and talk to a gay guy. Being on line is a little better, but I really want to know what to do to feel a little more relaxed, more "normal" around some gay men I can see face to face. I want some local friends and ultimately, a lover. In this situation, I feel really stuck and awful.

 

Hello Sage Dreamer !

I have always lived in or near a big city (Los Angeles, New York City, San Francisco) and I too feel very isolated and alone with regards to the so-called community. On campuses I feel the age differential. In gay bars the biggest problem is the fact that (a) I don't drink and (b) I don't like being around drunks. Socials/Mixers? The few that I have gone to seem to form clusters, nexi, cliques or whatever you choose to call them. Of course my trendsetting hipster friends steer me towards Craigslist. Now there is a good place to feel totally inadequate. Everyone is under 25 and anyone who is anywhere NEAR my age is looking for something under 25!
I don't believe that you are afraid of gay men as much as you are either bored by their games or angered by the miscommunication. I have always felt I was good at reading people, but when it comes to the gay community I am sometimes at a total loss of understanding because I don't understand what I hear and see.
Ah the joys of becoming an old fuddy-duddy

 

aww that's so sad. ((hugs))

 

Have you tried finding somebody to get into a relationship with?

 

Yes, I have tried finding somebody to get into a relationship with. Many, many, many times!!! That's my real reason for going to gay bars and gay groups.

I've also checked out Craigslist, but there are no listings within about 50 miles of my town. Because of eye problems, I don't drive, so a relationship with a guy in a distant big city or even some of the even smaller towns not so far away would be difficult.

 

I'm sorry...I wish I knew what to say.

I do think that you are probably more tired of the games that peopel play when they are at bars (hard to get, etc.) than afraid. The only thing you can really do is keep on looking, and make sure that you DO have an open mind. Perhaps you should try looking beyond some of the games that some gays may be playing at bars, and try and look at who the person is. I'm only 15, but I know that gay bars probably won't be somewhere that I'll be headed for, because I just don't like the overall atmosphere. Maybe its because Im quite spiritual (NOT religious). I guess the main thing you can do is just immerse yourself into the gay community as much as you can, which I'm sure you've been doing, so keep on doing it, and search around. It must be quite frustrating not being able to find someone, but dont' give up. I guess thats the one advantage I have of still being in school- I'm not surrounded by gays or anything, but I have the chance of finding someone while I'm in school...

Just take a deep breath, and keep on looking. An open mind and open heart (which Im sure you have) will help you out.
Good luck!
Dylan

 

Sagedreamer, I'm pretty sure yours is an experience common to many, many, many gay people, men particularly. The truth is that any 'community' formed around sexuality is going to be exclusive and dedicated to a certain image that not all gay people fit into - hell, my friends back home have called me a homophobic homosexual for as long as I've been out!
I recently went out to a gay event because I wanted to hang out with a new friend I'd made, I don't recall most of the night and by the way I was shaking uncontrollably the next morning I suspect I *might* have had my drink spiked (although it's so hard to know whether or not I'm being paranoid!). It's that seedy, innuendo-packed hypersexuality that I don't relate to - in part because it leads to things like drink-spiking and careless sleeping around.

There is no secret and no solution other than to sit back and hope and pray that you'll meet a nice guy without trying and without going to those places. It's isolating and it's not overly comfortable, but I suggest you quite trying to identify with other people who share your sexuality and rather find people you identify with despite their sexuality (although you probably already have these)... ...let it flow. Hope. Relax and be yourself. Don't worry about relationships - they're essential, but something you just have to let happen.

I hate to say it, and it sounds like a pessimist's view, but you just have to let it go as much as is possible... ...damn near impossible, I know. But that's it, I suppose.

Gah, what do I know? You've got years on me. Disregard my rambling.

M.

 

I can relate, very strongly. I spent my 20's in a disasterous string of affairs and tried to find a place in the community. After ten years of the stupidity and vapidness I realised that there isn't a place there for someone who is poor, who is old and who is outside of the gay will-and-grace mainstream; and decided I'd either go "straight" (I consider myself bi) or celibate.

As far as it goes, I'd suggest abandoning the bars and try looking for some place to volunteer at; maybe a gay outreach center or something; something that will let you have a positive interaction with the gay community, but where you have leverage ("fuck you people, I quit!") with. Best of luck to you!

 

dude trust me if your a dude dont be gay man trust me pussy is way better then cock!!!!

 

and how would you know that, have you tried both?

 

bet he has. or wants 2.

 

try pussy i mean

 

Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

 

Ugh. Why do heterosexual men have such a hard time believing that people are people and women aren't some innately superb being made to be co-currently sexually superiour to and sexually dominated by men.

Tokey, you are a silly-head. And guys, if his ignorances stems from his sexuality at least be the bigger person and respect that sexuality. Stop treating him like he's something to convert!

 

we wuz jes playen mista

 

This is a big part of what I've been afraid of. I don't really have an exact type, but I do want a man I can love who will accept that love and love me back. Beyond that, just about everything is negotiable.

I can see how this would be appealing to somebody, but I don't want that for myself.

There is good news. On Saturday night I felt like taking matters into my hands and went to a bar. I promised myself I'd stick it out for an hour, no matter how uncomfortable I got or how unpromising things seemed.

I saw a guy I knew and told him how nervous and uncomfortable I was. He suggested that I dance. Before we could get to the dance floor, he saw a woman he knew. She showed him some photos from a camping trip, and then she started chatting me up. It turns out one of the pictures was of a really cute guy in a skirt (pagan radical faerie type) and I asked her if the pics were taken at a particular pagan festival.

That was the magic word. Yes, it was that festival and she asked if I'd ever been. I said no, that I don't drive and had no camping gear. She asked why I didn't go with friends and I said none of my friends were into that. She said that now I did have friends into that and introduced herself and the cute guy in one of the pictures.

It turns out the cute guy saw me walk into the bar and thought "Hmmm...cute." He was too shy to approach me, and I was reluctant to speak to him because he was with a woman. She went off to dance with my friend, and the cute guy and I started chatting.

Chatting in a noisy gay bar is not easy, so we had to move in close. Real close. We got pretty friendly with each other and I forgot about being nervous around gay men.

The woman came back and chatted with the cute guy. It turns out they're married to each other, but it's a sexless marriage. They're good friends, she's polyamorous and he's gay. She told me that I was welcome at their house at any time. She read my palms and looked at the cute guy and said, "This one has no hidden agendas. Go for it!"

The cute guy gave me a ride home. We chatted on the phone yesterday afternoon and we're getting together for lunch in a few hours. The cute guy wants to spend time with me after lunch.

So what have I learned? I'm not the only one who is a gay man who is nervous around gay men. My sister isn't the only one who thinks I'm cute, and I've got a great smile (when I do) and a nice little butt. There are some very nice and kind people in this forum. Even if I don't always find much of the community I really want in the real world, there is some of it here in this forum.