Things fell apart in late december

I have never told anyone the whole, true story, except my best friend.

It is now the middle of July, 2005.
This happened December 29, 2004, almost a year ago.
Matt and I have known each other since we were in 4th grade, I've always had a secret crush on him, he's always had one on me. We grew up somewhat near each other, and two summers ago we had a 'fling'-well, we tried, I went to his house once, we snuck out to meet each other, but after a month or so it never really worked.
Half a year later, sometime in the wintertime we started talking online a lot, then it progressed into talking about sex and stuff, and we sent each other pictures..of..ourselves.
I called him once when I was high, hoping to see him, but we ended up only talking on the phone and didn't get to see each other. The next morning we talked and I told him that I remembered wanting to kiss him, and I said, "If I'm ever high or something again, I may not know how to say it, but just know that I want to kiss you."
I left for PA and when I got back a week later, we didn't really talk anymore, which I was kind of hurt by, but I delt and moved on.
About a month later or so of not talking as much, we started again, we stayed in touch always through AIM, just random talking and such, as friends.
That December (which was last December) I had a friend over around 10, and we were talking online, Matt and I.
He said to call him later, so my friend and I did.
For some reason he thought we were high or something, just because we were acting all giddy, though we wern't.
He said he wanted to see me, I had to take my friend home around 11:30, but I wanted to see him, too, so we decided that I would come pick him up and then we would take my friend home and- 'hang out'. I never expected anything to happen, just becasue it was the two of us, and I'm not really the kind of person to let things go very far, even if I want to, I tend to always have something holding me back.
When my friend and I were together, we were crazy, just singing and stuff, as we always, do and I guess he has never seen me like that, so he assumed we must have been on something, though I told him we were not.
We dropped her off and I started driving, he told me to park in this sub, so I thought we would just talk and stuff and make up for all the times we hadn't. He got in the backseat to sit, so I went with him.
After that, it's all a big blur almost.
He started kissing me and touching me, I told him to stop, becasue I was seeing this other boy, (that he knew about) we wern't official, but we were pretty in deep together, and I knew it would hurt our relationship if anything were to happen with Matt.
He kept kissing me and telling me how much he's liked me since we were kids, and all the while I kept saying, "I love Mike" and, "Can we just go home?"
I'm not sure I could say it was molestation, I feel like I could have done SOMETHING-kicked, screamed, punched him, to get him off..but I didn't.
I didn't want it to happen, and in the same sense, I didn't do anything to stop it, so I feel like it was my fault.
The whole time I felt like if I didn't let him do anything, he would get mad at me, I just felt so..guilty.
I shouldn't have, I didn't do anything, but I didn't stop it, for reasons which still baffle me.
I didn't want him to, I wanted him to stop, I wanted to cry-but, I felt like he would hate me if I didn't let him do anything, that I would ruin being friends with him, I just felt so guilty..all I remember is the feeling of guilt being so strong, for no reason.
I must have said, "Just take me home, please" over a dozen times, and he would either ignore it, or say, "I'm not going to take you home until you kiss me." And, so I would, thinking he would take me home-he did not.
It wasn't forceful or hurting, he never hit me or yelled, he simply made it all soothing, which is almost worse, becasuse when I think about it, or cry about it, I feel like I am upset for no reason, becasue it wasn't forceful.
I was not under the influence of anything, but everything seemed like such a blur. I don't know if I can describe that, or if that even makes sense.
I didn't have anything in my system, but it seemed like I did. It seemed like I couldn't stop it, no matter how hard I tried-I seemed tired, innocent, taken advantage of, like a child, and completely guilty, and looking back on it I feel like the guilt was my drug.
Finally, after about an hour of everything being such a blur, he took me home. We did not speak.
He did not IM me, call me, or text me after that night.
I think about a week later I got up the courage to say something on the lines of, "I don't know what happened, but it won't again, and please do not tell anybody." He said okay, and blew it off like it was no big deal.
We have not had a real conversation since.
This was almost a year ago and just about an hour I IMed him and said, "I just want you to know-I hate you. For everything."
He did not know what I meant.
He asked me what for, and I think this situation will always haunt me.
In a way I feel almost silly for posting this-because what I went through was not a huge struggle, forceful event that you think of when you think of molestation. I feel ashamed, and sometimes wish I WAS under the influence, so it would make more sense to me.
It ended my relationship with Mike, and for weeks made me uncomfortable with any sort of physical contact.
I think about it almost every day, and when I am lying in bed at night my mind always goes to that.
It makes me sad that I will always have that over me, I will always know that something that terrible, that you think will NEVER happen to you, did.
If you've taken the time to read this, thank you.
I don't know what made me post it, in a way I am releived that I was finally able to tell someone about it. But I am also ashamed and embarrsed.

 

hmmmm sounds like he defiantly used you. and no offense, (please dont take it like that), but by some of the things you said, it sounds like you have some self esteem issues.

im kinda confused..... did you guys have sex? i couldnt quite ascertain that- but if you did- did you say "no"? if so, it was rape.

anyways, im sorry you had to deal with one of the (many) poor excuses out there for men.

 

I see how that could figure, I really don't, I am a very confident, self assured person. Which is why I felt so bad about myself for it. If I had issues maybe it would have been harder, but because I know I am above that, and better than that, it just makes it worse.


We did not have sex. The farthest it went was oral.

 

i dont doubt you are a usually self assured person, etc...

the only reason i mentioned the self esteem issue is because you mentioned that you felt like crying and the only reason you didnt stop things is because you were worried that he would hate you and things like that. that's just a classic symptom of having low self confidence, i didnt mean to insult you.

 

I'm not sure what to say.

Undoubtedty this was an awful experience for you, and I'm sorry.

He was being over persuasive and he was pressuring you by begging and being incredibly sweet. I don't think he ever meant to harm you.

I think had you been more firm, if you had moved away from him, had you not been so scared of him hating you, he wouldn't have gone any further.

Think about what has happened. Instead of making him mad by saying no, you feel used and you hate him anyway.

Like I said, it was wrong of him to keep going when you said things like "we should get going". he did push a little far. But in cases like that, you always have the ability to say no. Let me tell you, if I was ever in a position I didn't like, I would never let things go farther than I wanted. Let them hate me. Let them hit me or yell. I am going down kikcing and screaming for my life if that's what it comes down to. Never feel like you need to give in to someone else's needs.

 

i'm sorry that happened to you... things like that can really get to a person, as they have you. i read somewhere a while back.. probably a seventeen magazine or something, that before going on dates you should always assess how far you're willing to go physically that night and not cross that boundary no matter what. i think it's good advice, and while this wasn't a date by any means, and i doubt you were expecting it... or maybe you were... i do think it ties into you not wanting him to hate you, and also the fact that you used to really like him and told him you wanted to kiss him, so perhaps you were unsure of how far to let it go before you would really stand up for yourself. you have to resolve to not let something like that happen again...many things can cloud your judgement, not just drugs or alcohol but emotions too. i've been through similar things and i know that they really do make you stronger, now you know what you should have done, right? and so hopefully it doesn't happen in the future... for now i would suggest accepting that it happened and work on letting it go. you can't let this one incident rule your life, but you can learn something from it.

 

sweet, not standing up for yourself because you're scared of someone disliking you is lack of self-esteem. Generally, girls are like that. We need to build the strength.
I've done the exact same thing with more than one guy. Now that I've healed that stuff and stand up for myself, I've found a really great guy who treats me well. You can do that too.

 

as far as i can tell he at least manipulated & pushed you past yiur bounderies..thatstaking advantage..he odviosly knew how confused this made you feel & used that to his advantage..ws it rape? i'd probably say yes..i don't beleive there are any grey areas when it comes to concent.. he just replaced force with emotional manipulation..you in no way shoult feel guilt, or shame..the shame is all on him..
he threw away your freindship..for what? a blowjob?
i know i could never do that..if someone says i think we should stop..or take me home.. thats it.. in these cases..the woman is always right..period..i'm so sorry you went through thisswety....but you should be proud.. posting here..to all your freinds..shows your willing to let it go & heal.

we're all here for you
hugs

 

As simple as it is, thank you- your advice-
"i would suggest accepting that it happened and work on letting it go. you can't let this one incident rule your life, but you can learn something from it.[/"
is something that noone has told me, surprisingly. Everyone says, "It's fine" "I'm sorry" noone has said, hey, learn from it-accept it. And that helps. So, thank you.

Soaringeagle, thank you as well..you are beautiful