What ever happened to being faithful?

So many people these days.. I don't get it. If you're in a relationship with someone, Why can't you just be with them and not sleep around? Because if that were the case, That would mean you're.. not exactly happy with them.. ?

It's confusing.

 

What do you think about cultures where multiple partners are a tradition and almost expected?

 

Hmmm I don't know. They aren't happy with something in their relationship. Instead of asking for what they want or working on their relationship, they go find that element somewhere else. It may also be from a fear of intimacy, that they don't want to get too close and have their hearts close. I think they are dishonoring their spirit by doing that.

 

exactly what i think

 

Definatly. It just hit me. Thanks guys.

 

Same as everything else with this world. All sense of propriety and honor is out the window.

 

Not quite.

When you and I (and the heart stops) die, maybe then all is lost.

But until then, let it be known that honour does still exist, somewhere ...

 

The way I see it, we live in a world were most of it's inhabitants want what they want and in the shortest time possible. If something doesn't look as good as it once did then just pitch it away...at least that's the attitude. I'm happy that I'm faithful to my lover...she's everything to me even though we don't always see eye to eye. People need to start being thankful for what that have and not cry over what they don't have.

 

You are compeltly right. I agree with that strongly.

 

I'm into the definition of faithful that goes like this: Steadfast in affection or allegiance. I don't believe anyone need keep physical intimacy with only one person in order to be faithful. I do believe in setting boundaries for relationships based on the needs and comforts of those involved, but personally I'm happy with those I love finding emotional or physical intimacy with anyone, self included, of course. I would say I was unfaithful if I lied to someone I cared for, or if I broke an agreement we had made, although I would say that could be mitigated by the realism of the agreement.

Incidentally, agreements don't have to be towards greater openness, as mine is, and they don't have to be as automatic and undiscussed as conventional American monogamy. I know a couple who has an agreement that they not get into friendships with people of the opposite sex, because they believe that can too easily lead to feelings developing and thus temptation.

I'd also.

Angelhair, I'm not actually trying to answer you point-by-point, and I'm truly not being argumentative or say you've got it all wrong. I would say that on every statement you've made there, I completely come from a different place in my history of having open relationships, and of accepting monogamy as default, as I have primarily done. I'm probably being a poly-snob, but I really have gotten better about that. (I went through an ugly phase of atheism at one point, and have seriously mellowed on that topic--I've been seeing and expect to continue to see my evangelistic poly attitude mellow as well). At any rate, it's my perspective, and while I've seen all kinds of ugly behavior from people doing open relationships of whatever type, I've definitely seen hundreds more equally bad monogamous (both theoretical and actual) relationships. I've seen so many more, of course, because it's almost all of what I've seen, so I know it doesn't mean anything statistically or scientifically speaking. Definite point is--most relationships are fuck ups. Most end, usually badly. People can be cruel and insensitive to people they care about regardless of the relationship style they have. And since none of us is perfect, any of us can fuck it up. It's equal opportunity. My take is to try to plan for it in advance, and avoid it or alleviate it.

So, how my poly differs from your generalization....

I became poly while in a committed partnership. We were in a great place as a couple. Talked about everything, considered everything, shared so much. And we'd been talking about how we respected each other's autonomy, and how theoretically, technically that meant we respected each other's autonomy in choosing to be with someone else. At the time we were spending a lot of time with people who shared exciting intellectual ideas with us, I was making all kinds of connections that had eluded me before, and I think I was feeling balled up and constricted inside.

I wound up getting into reading a lot about nonmonogamy one night, much of it harshly stated. I cried a lot, and wrote a lot. I wrote about my fears, dragging it out of myself. And I looked at it as honestly as I could. Competition was the number one fear I had. Competition--and thus, the concern about losing. Being left in the cold. I faced as much as I could bear to. I believed (and believe), as I've implied, in respecting the autonomy of all individuals, and the arguments I read for nonmonogamy stemmed from that belief as well. I don't agree with all of what I read, such as a lack of concern for one's partner's feelings about nonmonogamy.

After that night I became more aware of what was going on in me in relation to my darling and to other men I knew. My partner and I of course discussed my night of introspection, and he soothed my fears and assured me of his love for me no matter what. We consoled each other over the competition fears, and rejoiced together in the idea of growing more intellectually and emotionally with the help of others, since that kind of growth is so important to us.

It came to a head when I was desiring someone so badly, I had to tell my partner; I had to address it. We were at a bar when I told him. We went straight home and talked about it. He actually totally understood why and all that. He was nervous, and I was feeling nauseous because I'd brought this up and I didn't want to be dealing with it. He was so great, though. An opportunity came up later for me to be alone with the object of my affection, and my partner suggested I grab it and let come what may. He didn't want to go anyway, and maybe it would be best. We agreed to work through whatever came up, however we felt, said we loved each other, hugged and kissed, and I went to go take my opportunity. He again hugged and kissed me goodbye.

On the way home that night (morning--it was well into dawn), after not knowing if anything would happen, but more happening than I had counted on, I pulled back from TOOMA, to disconnect before I got home, and focused on seeing my partner again. I worried it would be awkward, that he would have wigged out at some point in the night, that he'd been waiting up, that he would need comfort (and a desire to give it, to share it). (Looking back, too, I was having concerns about my crush, about what he thought. It was actually a few days before I was able to sort out the feelings of concern and fear [of change, of loss of my partner] around my relationship with my partner from my feelings of anxiety and nervousness about my crush.)

How was it? Well, I woke him up. When he was sleeping, I decided to take advantage and curl up against him naked, maybe sleep myself. I'd been swimming, sort of, and it was fucking cold, and i felt so clammy and cold, and he felt so good. He woke up and we cuddled and talked, and he said it sounded really romantic. (I had discussed with my crush that anything my partner wanted to know, he would hear, and that he was number one for me, although I did care for him as well. He shared our same values, and understood that. He's really neat.)

I'm not going to say it's been easy since then. I've panicked, and had to force myself to strip myself naked about my fears in relationships. I don't always do the best job of it, but I do my best. It's HARD, but necessary in an open relationship to not hold back the scary things. The goal is to face them down. Setting boundaries can be very important, and honesty is essential. I would say that honesty must be weighed against boundaries. My partner may not have wanted to hear about my evening with another man, and had he not wanted to, I would have honored that by not sharing. If I feel a need to share, maybe I can go elsewhere.

Which kind of leads me to one of the joys (and sometimes terror) of open relationships. You don't attempt to get all needs met with one person. I think almost all people in nonmonogamous/open relationships would probably agree that we don't think it's possible or preferable to get all needs met with one person. As I've said or implied, I believe that nonmonogamy helps me grow as a person. I feel that I can get so much more out of a relationship (any relationship) when I don't have boundaries of don't touch, don't mislead, don't get physically intimate. Because I live in a world of so much default monogamy, I do have to deal with those boundaries regardless, and I feel so sad because there's so much potential for more.

Okay, end rant.
Peace love and anarchy

 

because you take each other for granted, which eventually hurts each other or you just haven't spent enough time together to know what makes each other happy. and you may handle lonliness differently if your needs arent being met. if you love him and he loves you it's amazing how easily you can get past things and just look toward the future of spendimng a life together. in my case i had the passion for someone instantly and the love but it took a lot of time to feel comftrable and trust him and on the trust thing vice-versa but now i truely realize what a great guy he is and i could never dream of being with anyone else-ever again. this is the first time ive ever felt that in my whole life so i guess true love is the only thing that makes infedelity obselete.

 

What ever happened to it? It's still around, although it is a sparsely attended party. All I know is if I'm with someone I would NEVER EVER EVER cheat on them.

Some people say "never say never". Yeah? Well I just said it.

 

Aye.

 

Do you think maybe this attitude is what has caused you to not be totally commited in your heart to your partner? Getting a lover on the side in preparedness for your relationship breaking up sounds crazy to me, like a self fulfilling prophesy. I know for sure that I want to be with my husband forever and he is my best friend. If you feel you are f***cking things up, thats when its time to get therapy instead of resorting to adultery.
I think boundaries are important for not hurting other people. I agree you shouldn't look to one person to fulfill you're every need. I wouldn't expect my hubby to share my love for crochet or thrift store shopping. That is why we have friends. You don't have to go and sleep with them. I like to think "What would Dr Phil say?"

 

Completly right But, What happens if you're partner does it to you. How are you supposed to deal with it? It seems like, It's always to much to deal with, It's just a huge pain.

 

I don't know, because it hasn't happened to me. Although I am thinking doing the same thing back to them wouldn't make you any happier. I think I would not be able to trust them anymore. If it was a boyfriend, I'd dump him. If it was my husband...I'd probably not dump him, but we'd need lots of therapy. I can't even imagine it though. I've always been upfront with guys about my beliefs with regards to everything, that usually scares the bad ones away. You need the self-worth to make known what you wouldnt put up with and how you deserve to be treated. I fear though that most girls feel they don't deserve much.