Perhaps its time to move on?

Last weekend was my birthday celebration.. so two days ago...
This is what happened ... and for me, it still feels unresolved... was I being unreasonable... is it time to move on?

Well, I went to Pub 1 to celebrate my birthday…

All was well, I arrived at 9:30, My boyfriend was supposed to be meeting me there then, and so were some friends and family. My brother, a friend from school and another old friend rocked up and we got started on the drinking… no less that an hour and a half later My boyfriend rocks up… says a quick hello and buys me a drink. I chat to my friends a little longer and he goes off to find friends…



After a drink I figure I should search the place incase people couldn’t find me. I came across a guy from work and sparked up a conversation… eventually losing track of time. Just as I was about to leave my friend to re unite with My boyfriend and the others, he bounces up, looks down at me and says “I’m going to Pub 2, Tom is there” … I was shocked … and then mad, and then upset, and managed to gulp out an “okay, well… I guess I’ll see you later then.” I didn’t want to show any weakness even though I was quite upset he was leaving to be with his mates on my birthday… He said “You should come” knowing I was waiting for friends to arrive, I told them I would meet them at the Pub 1…



So I made a few calls, I had planned on going to Pub 2 but not so soon, I decided to wait for some friends to arrive and meet the others at Pub 2. My brother, friends, My boyfriend and his mates all walked to Pub 2 where my brother met up with his girlfriend… there was a huge line up and we were standing around chatting, My boyfriend was hanging about somewhere at the back of the line… Then his friend Tom who was at Pub 2 came outside… and went over to My boyfriend, who then came up to me and said, “Tom’s here, Fuck this line, we’re going back to the Pub 1” …



Double ouch.



Sara and Bonnie, the people who I was meeting at Pub 2, walked pat me in the line as My boyfriend as telling me where he was going… and we all decided to go back to Pub 1 anyway… I was about ready to bawl… but swallowed lumps of sadness and anger and frustration with myself. I talked with Sara and Bonnie all the way back Pub 1… Sara told me that by the sounds of it, he was being very uncool. “It’s your party and you can cry if you damn well want too!”



So back at Pub 1, Sara and I are waiting to be served at the back bar… she and I are both quite short… My boyfriend is nearby talking to Tom, when a space opens up at the bar, My boyfriend, who was not waiting as long pushes in front both of us, and everyone around was thinking the same as Sara and I, who were standing in angered amazement. I put my arms around him and with a fake laughter said “Babe that was a bit rude, you going to by her a drink?” he laughed and said “Nope”



… by this time… I was livid.



Sara and I got or drinks and sat down in the front bar, My boyfriend and tom went outside, or upstairs or wherever… and Sara Bonnie and myself all had a bit of a chat about this “boyfriend" of mine Sara said “If John had done to me, what he is doing to you, He would be wearing my drink, getting an earful and then a cold shoulder for the next AT LEAST 24 hours….”



I agreed, and proceeded to go outside to talk it out and tell him I was upset, incase he hadn’t noticed *rolls eyes*



I sat down and started to say my bit, in an unattacking and honestly hurting way… He looked at me like the words out of my mouth were totally unreasonable… long stared into each others eyes... and me looking to the ground, frustrated… “Babe, I was upset when you said you were just leaving for Pub 2”



“But you were with your friends, I was just going to go hang out with mine, you seemed busy…”



So he turned it back onto me…



Feeling defeated I looked into his eyes and asked “are you leaving without me?”

He just laughed and tried to make it light saying “No babe, I wont leave without you.”



We kept getting interrupted by his drunken friend Justin…



Looking and feeling rather troubled, I realized he didn’t really care or think I was being reasonable… so I got up and told him I was going inside…



Back at the table in the front bar for the remainder of the night I sat with Sara, Matt and Bonnie… he popped in and out made no huge attempt to chat with my friends… walking off and playing about with various people….



The storm had settled a little… but there was still loads of tension….



After a while I went over to him and asked him if he wanted to go or stay out and party, I wasn’t fussed either way… Unenthused he looked at me and insultingly said “Whatever you want babe, its your birthday, I’m here for you.”



My lungs, heart and stomach deflated… I felt sick with frustration



I’m sure this seems unreasonable to a lot most of you, I mean in the end…. technically I got what I wanted, but I wasn’t asking for his compliance, I was hoping for his understanding…

 

I would've been PISSED!! Acting like that all night and then just say “Whatever you want babe, its your birthday, I’m here for you.” ! You had every right to be mad! Guys just don't get it, do they... I would've done exactly what your mate Sara said (maybe it comes with the name.. heehee )! Hun, you for sure weren't being unreasonable and not overreacting one bit.. your guy was being a complete jerk!

 

I feel so low about the whole thing... I just feel like a total doormat.

 

I know what you mean, been there so many times..
Maybe you should try to talk to your boyfriend again, tell him you didn't like the way he acted. The least he can do is apologise

 

sara.. that was pretty wize.. but retro.. he was being incredibley insensative.. like us guys can do sometimes.. but he realy had pushed the lmmits..& that last comment? your a peacemaker i can tell.. you didnt want to create a scene.. but i think most girls..at leadst from my experience would have just said..yea well whatever..you knowwhat,.just fuck off youyr not really even here so just get out of my face..& mayby..& i mrean maybe..i'll see you at home
should you mov on? if..this is he way he is generaly..yes.. if it was just a bad night..do as sara suggested & explain how you felt..& hpope for more sensativity in the future

hugs..& retro..i always thought you seemed very sweet.. you deserve to be treatted better

 

damn..i'm so sorry..i totaly forgot to say something..i was already starting sa post in another thread when i realized i had just been insensative too (only slept 45 minutes last night thjo..so maybe i'm just not thinking clearly) but..i totaly forgot to say this
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

hugs

 

Soaringeagle: Awww thanks for the birthday wishes and advice Thats really sweet... I've got a lot of thoughts to mull over me thinks

 

okay, I completely relate to you because my last boyfriend (now my ex) behaved very similarly to your boy. But when I would tell him things, insted of trying to be understanding, he would get angry at me AND I WOULD APPOLIGIZE for being hurt by his actions....anyway! if you talk to him again and he doesn't try to understand how not giving up what he wants to do for you on your special day...you should take that as a indicator for his future behavior. You can't control what he does, you can only control what you do, but you can try and prevent future heartbreak by recognizing that being with his friends and drinking is more important to him.

 

agreed..retro, i've read your other thread,.& you try so hard..go beyond what should be nescacaqruy to please him yet he still doesnt appreciate you..
the more you act like you need to beg for his attention..like you dont really deserve it unless you go way beyond what should be nescacary to attract him & keep his attention focused on you (look at yourself..your a babe)
if you dont feel appreciated..for who you are..whats the point in being in a relationship? to not feel alone? but dont you feel worse then alone?
if ya did decide it wasnt worth it..i doubt someone as wonderful as you could possibly be alone for long (not that u should fall gor just the next loser who wont appreciaite you)
hugs..
love you

 

Men are insensitive gits - FACT. Dont dwell on it babe.

 

i disagree, some people are insensitive...

 

Sara Rose and Soaringeagle, although I would like to say that while Sara Rose is showing her usual wisdom beyond her years some women are just as capable of insensitivety and immaturity as any man. Might I be so bold as to suggest you dump this 'boy'friend and look around for a 'man'.

HAPPYBIRTHDAY & HUGS

 

Retro. Babes. Toots. You KNOW what I'm gonna say here, don't ya? After all, I posted in your other post about this asshole - he ISN'T a boyfriend, Toots! WAKE UP!!!!!!


Yup, you deserve all you got, and you KNOW it. I have previously advised you from the vantage point of being a) male b) old (this means I have seen this scenario many, many times, happen to many, many women, aswell as listening to my joints click and c) I used to be a grade 'A' asshole when I was younger.

You chose not to listen, which is cool. That's you're prerogative, BUT....it's getting a bit rich when you always moan about your ASSHOLE boyfriend, when that is PRECISELY what attracts you to him.

He will, by now, have next to no respect for you. Why? Well, why should he? He acts like an asshole and you go back for more punishment. He probably cannot believe his luck, because he will be acutely aware - unlike YOU - that you are a pretty attractive, sexy chick, that there are plenty other dudes around your scene who are more talented, stronger, bigger, better looking, cleverer than him, BUT he also knows, instinctively, you adore him BECAUSE of his asshole behaviour, and you are too blind to see all these other dudes who could turn him inside out, given the chance. Is he gonna change, do you think? For you? Try REALLY hard and guess. It is you who has changed, and not for the better, I suspect.

It ALWAYS used to amaze me (and ,actually, still does !) that when I was a lot younger and immature, more often the WORSE I treat women, the MORE they liked me!! But, my respect for them was zero. How could I respect them. I would bed them until I was tired of them and move on without so much as a backward glance. Crazy! However, a fact, nontheless. And one that women always 'pretend' doesn't happen, 'nice' guys never 'get', but assholes take full advantage of!

Your situation is now beyond your control. It will be your asshole who leaves you - once he's had his fill of your charms. Even IF you had the commonsense/guts to kick him into touch - which you don't - you have already damaged your self esteem, and your esteem with your friends very badly indeed.

For what it's worth, and this is maybe small comfort, your boyfriend is a frighteningly familiar carbon copy of myself, 20 odd years ago, and in years to come he will sooner or later deeply regret his behaviour and ,also, sooner or later he will meet a WOMAN WHO WILL TURN THE TABLES ON HIM. That happened to me, and all things considered I well deserved it. But, that will not happen to him for a LONG time yet.....sadly.

Imagine, for one moment, how much BETTER you will feel, should my words stir you to have the sense and grit to see him for what he is - a TOTAL loser - and actually do yourself some good and dump him GOOOOOOD? You will feel a freedom, and strength that only a decision long overdue, and long required gives us. Until then, you are gonna suffer, kiddo.

 

I've come to realize you can't dwell on the small things.
If you want to be happy with someone that is...

To you, it may seem like a big deal, but to him, from what it sounds, he couldn't understand why you were upset.

I AM NOT saying that I agree with what he did, but I'm saying there are bigger more important things to worry about in relationships.

IMO, and dont take this to offense, you BOTH acted selfishly. Not once in that story did I see a compromise. Maybe you two aren't supposed to be together if you can't compromise. You wanted what you wanted because it was your birthday, and he wanted what he wanted because his friends were there...whatever, none of that matters...it doesnt matter whether it was your birthday or how much fun he was having with friends, what matters is you both should have swallowed your pride and agreed on something that both of you could be happy with...something like "Well hey let's go to Pub 1 for a while then Pub 2" or SOMETHING.

You weren't happy with his stubborness any more than he was with you I'm sure. No matter what the occassion is, you two MUST be equal and compromise no matter "whose day it is"

My birthday was just a few days ago, and I had really wanted to go to the beach, but my boyfriend's family was getting a new kitten the same day; he wanted to be home when the kitten arrived which conflicted with my beach plans... I agreed to go to his house and wait for the kitten if we could stay at one of my friends house later that night, and there were no hard feelings, we both agreed.

It can't always be about YOU, it can never be about YOU, it has to be about the both of you. When you decide to commit to someone they dont want to hear "me" or "I" ...they want "we" or "us" ...

To me he isn't ready for that any more or less than you are. And as much as your friend said "he'd have my drink all over him" etc. if she was in your shoes I'm sure she would NOT have handled it by pouring a drink on someone she cared about. Things like that don't solve anything only make it worse.

My best advice is, if you really want to have a relationship with this guy or any guy, talk to him... tell him how you feel straight out instead of beating around the bush or holding certain things back. use words, not screams or violence or anything insane like "pouring a drink all over him" ...

If this is a rare occassion that you two argue like this, then let it slide, or at least talk to him about it and let him know how it hurt you and come up with a solution. The worst thing to do is hold a grudge.

One more tip: drinking and trying to talk things out does not work. You both were drinking and to take what either he said or how he felt about what you said to heart isn't exactly valid... If you don't want chaos to break loose in a relationship don't get smashed with your partner!!!

And who knows maybe certain things he said were sincere and you took them as cold and sarcastic because you were already upset and drunk. If you were calmer, and sober it may have sounded 100 times different.

Analyzing and interpreting what people say is not a good idea... if you really want to know if he was being an asshole when he said those words to you, ASK him if he sincerely meant it, or if he was being sarcastic or angry in his words.

I say this because my boyfriend is uber sensitive like that and seems to blow what I say way out of proportion often... I will be in a bubbly good mood, but he can still seem to hear a "bitchy" tone in my voice no matter how ecstatic and happy i am.