so...i have a situation that began this last thanksgiving at a family gathering on my dad's side of the family. i LOVE this side of my family, but something awful happened and i felt very betrayed, almost to the point that i don't want to see certain family members ever again. me and my fiance' had been engaged for over a year before he met that side of my family. they are all usually pretty cool and enlightened people. i enjoy their gatherings very much. the kicker is, a few of my family members likey to drinkey. a lot. one such drinker is an uncle by marriage. he's been married to my aunt for about 8 years now. he's a nice guy until he gets drunk, then he turns into a dickhead, as many people do. his name is dan. dario, my fiance', was playing poker with a couple of my cousins, including ron's son, adam, who is 16, but has a severe learning disability...his maturity level is more like that of a 12-year-old. he is a very sweet kid, though. his name is kyle. my cousin ronnie, who's daugters are 17 and 12, was there as well. his daughter brooke, who's 12, is somewhat of a tattletale. in the past she would tell her father about ANY infliction from another child in the family. dario said the word "fuck" in front of her while he was playing poker with some of my cousins. many guys say the word "fuck" in a sentence, many times. she went and told her daddy about 3 hours after it actually happened. now remember, most members of my family are VERY liberal. i'm sure brooke has overheard her own FATHER say the word "fuck" about a million different times. but since dario is new, i guess she felt the need to tell on him. dan, kyle's dad and my uncle by marriage, decided in his drunken state that he was going to accost dario, accuse him of acting innapropriately around his son, pick him up by his lapels, and physically SLAM him against the wall, in front of children, including his own son, and accuse him of trying to molest his son! KYLE even said, "dad, you're just being stupid and drunk! he didn't do anything!" i took kyle aside and said, "is everything okay? what's going on?" just to make sure. i mean, this is my family and i love them, and i wanted to make sure everything was kosher...he said that his dad acts like this a lot and gets angry easily. he said he gets drunk a lot, too. my cousin ronnie also accosted my fiance', but not in a physical matter, about cursing in front of his precious daughter. my cousin jeremy jumped in, immediately questioning dario. my dad finally pulled all three men away from dario, stood up for him, and told them to back off and that we were leaving. kyle came out as we were leaving and told us not to worry, that his dad would forget about everything in the morning. now THAT is fucked up! it seems to have all blown over. my dad went ahead and ironed it out with who was there when it happened. but dario is pretty traumatized. he pretty much never wants to see my dad's side of the family ever again, with the exception of my uncle joe and aunt rachel who are lovely old hippies and intellectuals, a few of my cousins, my dad and sister...my immediate family, basically. i won't make him go to more family gatherings, but i myself am kind of considering not ever going again, either. i did have fun up to a point myself, and so did dario. it was fun until an uncle and two cousins decided to gang up on the man i love in a threatening way, while they were drunk, having no real idea of what was going on but jumping to the conclusions anyway. it really fucking pissed me off. they don't ever contact me any of the other 364 days of the year. i've invited many of them to orchestra recitals, my graduation, my graduation open-house, etc. none of them have ever come to any of my events growing up. on the same token, i've never been invited to one graduation, one wedding, one recital. NOTHING. they all act like they're so happy to see me, once or twice a year. then, nothing. i would have loved to see some of my cousins get married or graduate. but, no. then certain family members have the nerve to act like this "new guy" is a threat. dario is NOT new to me. dario has been an everyday part of my life for the last few years. he knows more about me than all of them put together! it's funny because these people are my blood. my "ex-step-family" from my dad's second (failed) marriage still treat me like i'm their flesh and blood, even though my dad and ex-stepmom are divorced. they treated me like theirs from day one, and still do. they welcomed dario with open arms and open hearts. they adore him and love him like he's their own family as well. why was it so hard for my actual blood-family to do so? i'm seriously to the point now where i just wanna say "fuckit" about this part of my family. the only people from my family who are invited to our wedding are the people who show that they give a shit about me more than once a year, and people who accept and love dario as well. that includes my mom and stepdad, my two sisters, my dad and his girlfriend, my aunts and uncle from my mom's side, my aunt rachel and my uncles from my dad's side, my cousin jesse, his daughters, and his girlfriend, and my cousin kimberly and her kids. it also includes my very loving step-family who still include me in their lives, which includes nana and papaw, my sister's mom, her daughter from her second marriage, and my aunts margie and cathy. we never wanted a huge, blowout wedding anyway. we always wanted a very intimate ceremony with our very closest friends and family. it's fine with me if dario never wants to return to another family gathering on my dad's side. i feel like he's totally justified in his disdain. i am, myself, considering doing the same because i feel extreme betrayal. i won't cut them ALL off forever. if i feel like visiting a cousin or an aunt or an uncle, i'll give them a call and go see them. god knows none of them call ME. but as far as going to the huge family x-mas or thanksgiving, i think i'll pass from now on. i love my family, but i love my fiance' more. i'm very hurt that certain members of my family rejected him and pounced upon him without even knowing him
*hugs* family can be sooo difficult; especially drunk family! My hubby's extended family is the same way; sometimes it's really hard not to get offended by something they say, under the excuse of "oh, don't worry about Aunt Brenda, she's always a bitch when she's drinking" but come on now, i drink myself sometimes, and i don't say things that have never at least crossed my mind before! Drunk or not, why would someone say something horrible about you if they didn't at least have a mild distaste for you, right? AND i have to admit, if someone ever accused me of molesting their child, i'd be out of there in a flash, and unlikely to return. Looking from the other side though, there's a big chunk of my own family that i don't know at all, because my grandma decided decades ago that they weren't worth speaking to, and to do so now would be major treason. So, of course, there are probably some awesome cousins i could have alot in common with, but i'll never know them. So...you just gotta be really careful, and know that over time, these things tend to get bigger and uglier instead of fizzling out--first it's "i'm not going there for Thanksgiving" and then it's "well, we're not coming to the wedding, because they didn't come for Thanksgiving" and "they didn't come to the wedding, so we're not taking the baby over to meet them" etc. i would give it one more shot, if the incident comes up, maybe blow it off as "yeah, so-and-so is such a dumbass when he's drunk" and feel that out--if so-and-so gets offended and starts flinging out accusations again, leave. If they laugh about it and say "yeah, that did get out of hand" or they even just ignore the comment, then things could probably end up alright.
Yeah, just wait and see how it goes. How did these dumbasses get from saying 'fuck' to accusations of child-molestation? Weird. Just see how it goes. Maybe it will blow over. My family has done so much stupid stuff that if I wanted to stay mad, I could find stuff to be mad about. (Couldn't we all?) Be the bigger people. Don't stoop down to their stupid level. If anything, express concern. I don't think you can change alcoholics, though. Maybe you're better off not getting invited to all their stuff.
yeah...i'm not saying i want to cut off ALL contact with ALL of my dad's side of the family. i'm just saying i'm going to keep in contact with the ones that show that they give a shit. in other words, if i want to see an aunt of a cousin, i will visit them. but as far as going to the big family gatherings on that side, i'm pretty much done. for now.
