my relationship with my dad

Any advice for someone with a not so great relationship with her dad? My parents are still married; I've lived with my mom and dad since I was born- yet my dad and I aren't close at all. It's not that we've got a bad relationship- more like a shallow/nonexistant one. I talk to him if I have to, but not too much otherwise. He's not one I feel like I could really go to if I needed anything more than help with a college application or -hah- money.....I"m not really sure why this is though. Anyways, I've been thinking about this a lot lately, and would like to do whatever I can to fix this before I go off to college this fall. Perhaps it's just a last- ditch effort to figure out what it means to love and be loved (something I've always struggled with when it comes to my family- we're not a particularly affectionate or emotional family)....I don't know really. I find myself envying friends of mine who are close to their dads, and wishing i was closer to mine- but I just don't know how to fix this.


I'm not quite sure if this belongs in the 'relationships' section, but i didn't really know where else to put it.

 

wow.. you just described the exact relationship that i have with my dad, and the exact way i feel about it. I couldn't relate more! my dad and i are not close... our relationship is, like yours, so shallow. I talk to him if i have to, in order to find out where my mom went or to tell him that i won't be coming home that night or something.. but never in my life have i spoken to him about anything of substance - no political discussions, no religious discussions, no talk about my social life, hardly any discussion about my schooling, nothing "deeper" than "i'm taking the dog for a walk" "ok" "bye". I don't know why it is this way. like you, i find myself feeling jealous of my friends who go out for dinner with their dads and talk to their dads about things i only talk to my best friends about... and yeah, my family is together, married parents etc. Why did it get this way??? i also find myself sometimes being hostile toward him... like i'm angry or something for our lack of a relationship. i don't know how to fix it either.. thank you for sharing though.. it helps to know that someone else feels the same way. good luck.. don't give up.

 

I am estranged from my dad and even though it is shallow, I only ask for things when I need them. You can't change people and your family has been this way for a while.... no point in trying really. My family isn't very warm either... but it doesn't mean you have to like that. Just remember no matter how hard it is to believe that your dad does love you and just because he doesn't talk to you doesn't mean it is bad.

I have the same issues with a not warm family and wierd dad that you don't talk to but it is what you make of it.

 

When I figure it out, I'll let you know...Been trying for 22 years to have a good relationship with my father and nothing has seemed to work.

Didn't realize so many people had the same problem...there's got to be something to that.

 

I didn't realize that either....kinda sad. I love my dad- I really do- but can't seem to figure out how to show him that I love him. I've tried, and it just seems akward and forced no matter how real it is. I feel like we used to be close- when I was really little- and then I grew up or something.

If anyone else figures out how to solve this ever, let me know.

 

This same thing applies to me and my dad. My parents are divorced so when it comes down to it I live with my mom and will ALWAYS side with her whenever they are fighting. In my eyes I think he tries to hard to be the ideal father and it really ends up making me hate him.

In opposite fashion, my dad is way too affectionate. He'll try to get me to open up and be his little baby and it all comes down to the fact that I can't trust him. My sister and him used to be close until she told him that he needed to back off and he sent her to an institution. He's 54 and alienates himelf by spending all his hours with his friends like a teenager would. Anytime I try to call he's out with a friend or girlfriend and it's always "oh, honey I'll call you back" but I haven't heard from him in a week. Shocker, he lives 3 miles away from me.

So obviously I'm wary.

 

I have a similar situation. My dad and I were close when I was a little girl, but I guess when I stopped being "cute as a button," it's like he couldn't relate to me anymore. I think both of my brothers and my sister feel the same way about our relationships with him. He's just really not that close to any of us. It used to really get under my skin... especially when friends of mine are close with their dads, it still makes me feel a longing for something I never had. My parents are divorced... and my stepdad and I are closer than me and my real father, I think.

After much consideration, I just decided to let it go. I mean, it's always been this way and probably always will be. I wish it could be different, but I can't just wave my magic wand and change him or me or the situations in life that made us this way.

If you think there is any hope with your dad, barefoot, my best suggestion would be to write him a letter telling him how you feel. Tell him exactly what you told us.

I hope you find peace with this issue.

 

no one here has a good relationship with there dad? mine with my dad is very good he has told me he thinks of me as a best firend and a son and i think the same way about him we always do stuff together and can talk about anything we debate politics and stuff for hours, but my sister and him dont have a good relationship she will just not talk to him for months even if he calls her or comes over my house and trys to talk to her, i think people realy dont relize they arnt in a good relationship with there parnets befor its to late(well i dont know if its ever too late),my relationship with mom on the other hand is crap ive told her i cant talk to her about things cause the way she reacts, i think it has to do with can you be yourself and not have to hide anything i tell my dad pretty much everything, i never told him the amount of drugs ive done but he lets me smoke pot and i drink with him all the time, and me and my dad have things in common like hunting and fishing,i cant be myself around my mom because she wouldnt like it, so i cant to her about things and i cant so things with her becasue all she does is stuff with the church i on the other hand am not even christian and hate the whole idea of it,or at lest what tis become.

 

Not to be cynical, deadonceagain, but do you think you would still think the same thing about your dad if he didn't let you smoke pot or drink with him?

Chances are you wouldn't and those are self destructive behaviors for a 16 year old, imho. For a parent to encourage those behaviors is unacceptable...

And no, I'm not a bible thumper...and no I'm certainly not conservative...your brain is still developing at sixteen and drinking and doing drugs at such a young age can be detrimental to your health.

Meh, well, you can't tell anyone anything...

Glad you have such a FANTASTIC relationship with your father...

 

that's exactly what my relationship with my dad is like! My family isn't close at all. There have been times where me and my dad have just hated each other soo much that we don't talk for months! The longest i've gone with out talking to him is about 4 months i think.. by the way, my parents aren't divorced so we both live here at home. It's been pretty bad between us but at the moment we're good. Well 'good'.. like you say, nothing more than "i'm going out" "ok" "bye" like that.. but i guess that suits us, we've tried to be all close and do stuff together.. but it just doesn't work. My best friend and her dad are really close and sometimes i look at them and think like "why can't i have that?" even though i know it would never work.
well, it's good to know i'm not the only one with this problem

 

thats exactly how i am with my dad. me and my mom are REALLY close, and he tries to get close w/ me but it just doesnt happen. i would also like to tighten the bond before i go off to college or whatever. but i just don't know how this could go... i'm glad to hear that somebody else has a not so close relationship w/ their dad, because all my other friends talk to their dad and everything.

 

I'm going off to college this fall, and one of my biggest concerns is that my already not so great relationship with my dad will completely and irreversably disappear. Hippieatheart, at least you've still got plenty of time to try to fix things.

 

my reationship was just as good befor i started drinking and smoking,he doesnt encourage them he just knows im doing it either way im better of at home drinking then out somewhere else and both the amount of alcohol and pot that i do is realy small,i dont know how those are self distructive behaviors, i dont smoked every week and i dirnk about once every two weeks most people i know do more then that at 16, everyone in my family was 20times worse then me by the time they where my age and they turned out fine, yes i know thats them and this is me but im not doing it large amount offten

 

wow i'm kinda suprised how many of others don't get along with their dads.
my relationship with my dad is pretty much him talking me listening. Which is not good because I can't really tell him how I feel. He tries to get me to open up but I feel he's so judgemental to me and my siblings always knows whats best for us,tries to get us into studing/learning more about his umm wierd hobbies
for Him:$
Sure somethings are interesting but he can't get us to like it and make it for him.
i can talk to my mom more than I can to him of course I have to be carefull cause sometimes my mom tells him what I told her then I get an earful of this and that.

 

barefoot beautiful,


My relationship with my dad is identical to yours. When I read your post it was as if I'd written it! I mean we get on and do speak but there is just no conversation beyond "I'm off out now" etc. My brother is also the same with me too.

I think with my dad it has a lot to do with the fact his mum (my grandmother) walked out on him and his brother when he was 5 and he didn't see her at all for 3 years and then from then on it was only occasionally. So basically he had no real mother figure.

Before now he has admitted to me that his father was a better father to him than he was to me and my brother.

I feel it's affected me, cos I've never had a long term relationship with a guy or girl (i'm bisexual). I consider myself to be a friendly, loyal, open and honest. Looks wise I'm ok, nothing special or shocking - I don't seem to have problems attracting men or women.

I would love to meet a guy and settle down and get married, but with most men I meet there is no chemistry. Occasionally i will meet someone who I will think is amazing, but either I know that person is taken or I find out they are with someone. The few flings/short term relationships I've had have always been with people I either never really liked in the first place or they were "second best" - in other words not quite what I wanted, but decided to settle for them, hoping my feelings for them would develop - which never happened. So it doesn't work out and I have to tell them.

Maybe I'm just fussy. I find myself thinking a lot with people that they are nice enough, but not quite good enough as there is no spark. Perhaps that's what is it and my dad has nothing to do with it. I can't help but wonder though.

 

I totally agree with you that relationships with dads affect one's ability to have a long- term dating relationship....I've noticed that in my own life as well. I've dated a few guys, but have never dated anyone I'm truly in love with. And none of these pointless relationships have lasted long. I don't have any trouble attracting guys...but can't really seem to figure out what to do beyond just being friends. I'm just not good at the being- in- love/dating thing I guess.

 

what I'm noticing in this thread is that dads and sons get along unlike daughters and dads. Or did I miss a post? I've seen it in life too though.

Never got along with my dad til my 40's, and it still isn't the same as the relationship he has with my brother. I am "lesser than" or "different" as a female, not to myself but to my dad, and I've learned to accept it, but I am not "lesser than" to myself. My brother and I actually laugh now about how my dad is so unfair. He is a traditionalist, you learn to roll with it.
no matter how PC we get, there are still issues with fathers and daughters. I think it's a fact of life. ask me tomorrow, I may have a different answer.

edit:well ok I did miss a post, but remember dads are all different too. a lot of them just never learned how to be warm and open, and some moms are like that too. gradually you learn how to depend on yourself, and maybe your friends. Parents are definitely not perfect beings, I think that is what we start to learn as we grow to adulthood. They don't always give us what we need. but I think most of them do their best, considering that they may not have had the best love and care in their youth either.