crappy rant about/with my current state of mind "..."

crazy rant-grammar time...

i feel like i'm on the edge of going insane... it sounds stupid... but sometimes i get so freaked out just by realizing something that i've never realized before... no matter what it is... i even get scared that my mind might snap and throw me into a different world... i think my life is really unstable right now... wich is normal for 20 year olds but i've never felt so fucked up... i know that drugs are playing a big part in it (tripping and such) but i know it's actually mostly just the way i think and that phychedelics have only opend a door to a space that was already there... wich i find myself grateful for, though it feels like hell sometimes... i feel like my reality has been shattered and clumsily put back together so much that i can't get a hold of anything right now... i just need to learn how to deal with it... i've been cutting back a lot to give myslef time to process all this new weirdness... i mean... my dad fighting cancer and on his second battle, being unemployed, out of school and reluctantly moving back into my parents' probably has something to do with it... but i think i'd normally be able to handle it all... still... i never thought i'd ever feel this close to losing my mind... i don't even know if i ever really had it... heh i dont know... i wish someone would tell me that they know exactly how i feel and that it's normal... it's actually been the worst in the past two days wich is probably why i'm ranting about it like this...

i've also just started to really realize the utter chaos and insanity in this world... i mean in the obvious things like currupt governments and fucked up things that people do for fucked up reasons... i've knowen of these things but i've heard and seen enough to be convinced of them and i'm ... having some problems adjusting to the (")reality(") of it all...

and it's just weird to really realize that all that one's reality is is one's perception ... i could go on forever with that... but

i wish i could learn how to love people who i'm close to and not feel extreamly critical all the time... i'm working on that but i just don't get it... i never have... i feel much more hate than love wich is really depressing... most psychologists and doctors are lazy and just want to put people on drugs (something that i strongly disagree with)... it makes sense to me, though, wich is also depressing, because i realize that all of our ideas and actions are based on the chemistry in our heads... it's eaiser for some people to be more accepting and loving than others because of the difference in chemical balance... i wish i produced more serotonin... or whatever happy people do... heh *sob sob*...

don't get me wrong... i care for people and their feelings... i want to hear their ideas and stories and i want them to be happy and i like to make them happy and i don't think that i'm better than anyone... it's weird being extreamly critical and not thinking that you're any better... it really irritates me when people are under, what i consider to be, a false impression or have the, what i consider to be, wrong idea of something... i can't stand it... it makes me a real bitch, too... i want to know what it feels like to really truely accept people for who they are... i can do it if i'm in a really good mood

and um... i don't really believe that i actually know what's going on... it's just my best guess... i'm sorry if you want your 1-3 minutes of life back... it's the risk you take when you read through online forums...

 

If you think the psychedelics are only opening the door to what's already there you're living in a fools paradise.

 

i mean... i haven't tripped that much and i haven't in a while. i didn't mean that somewhere in my head i'm insane and that phychedelics have only let me see through the door, or something... i just mean that they've made the importance of emotions and things like sensory perception to one's idea of reality more apparent to me. i'm just in a chaotic stage of life ... i'll probably regret saying all this when i'm done with it... but whatever... it's the internet...

 

Trips and lack of Serotonin do not mix. Drugs fark up the brain chemistry....

 

maybe i should have said something about most of these feelings being present for most of my drug-free life. i know that i haven't "fark"ed up my brain chemistry (aside from the fact that they do obviously shift it). i know that i'll get over it... life's just being weird atm...

 

this thread was actually originally a reply to a different thread and was sort of a lame joke that i decided to start a new thread out of.

i mean... being stoned, tired, alone, sick of your friends who you hang out with every day, unwilling to go "home", sleeping in your car, stressing about your dad having cancer and not knowing what to do about it, being unemployeed and out of school, craving a sunny day that hasn't happend in months (minnesota), just getting done listening to personal stories of paranormal events... this will fuck with someone...

 

Unfortunately, and I hate to be quoting something of a "cheesy line" from a recent Hollywood production, but I happen to think it is almost unquestionably true, at least with respect to other people, that:

It's not what you are on the inside, but what you do that defines you.

 

so sad, all these bad days folks seem to be going through...