I live pretty much next door to my mom and my teenaged brother. They are vegetarians and they each subscribe to unique, uncommon religious beliefs that I seriously doubt they'll keep forever. Not to the same beliefs as each other, though. I don't hassle my family about their lifestyle (I have only described the tip of the iceburg to you.), their diets, or their beliefs. My mother has passionately held many other religious beliefs in the past. Several, actually. And my brother is a teenager. Personally, I have changed a lot since I was a teenager. And it's their right to believe and eat what they want to. My kids want to visit them a lot because they live next door, she is their grandma after all, and they live nextdoor to my kids' friends. Here's the problem. My kids and I aren't vegetarians, and we are not about to join either religion. Yet my mom and my brother keep telling my kids that they are murderers fro asking me for a turkey sandwich. They keep telling my kids that they're members of these religions and trying to indoctrinate them. I have talked to them about this, calmly, respectfully, many times. They refuse to agree to disagree. I have reminded them that it's my job to raise my kids and that I am asking for the same kind of respect and tolerance that I am giving them, and that I am teaching my kids to give them. Today my brother, after calling my children murderers because they're not vegan, said, "I'm right and you're wrong. You're murderers and I'm going to keep telling your kids about it." I am SO sick of it. I am not asking for dietary advice here. I am asking if other people have had experience finding a peaceful way to deal with differences in values. I NEVER give my mom and brother a hard time about this, even when they do some really questionable things. The only thing I ask is that they don't try to indoctrinate my kids. So, do any parents out there have similar experiences? Have you worked out solutions? Or should I move far away?
Wow! What a mess!!! I have never had this problem but can only offer what I think may help. I would try to get you guys all together to go over this whole situation (With out your kids present). Sit down and present a list of things that bother you and think that you all should work on. Let them know that it bothers you that they are trying to push thier beliefs and ways of life on to you and your kids. Let them know that you are an adult now and can make your own decisions. Let them know that they are your kids, not thiers!!!! - and you will raise them how ever you wish to. Be stern and true. If they still can't agree to dis-agree.......I am not sure what you should do. I think I would move away just because I wouldn't want my kids being called murderers by people who are suppose to love them for who they are. Kids are sensative creatures and one day, your brothers and mothers hateful words will hurt your kids more then you know. Good luck with your situation! Stay strong!
Wow. Time to take a "family vacation." (Meant as a vacation FROM your family.) People who tell children things which destroy or attempt to destroy their self esteem, "you are a murderer" being one of the worst things one can tell a child I can think of, need to be avoided. This is a form of emotional abuse. And I know you wouldn't let your children be abused! Even if your children want to see your mother, she is doing things which are damaging to your children, by her insistance on trying to force things down their throats and attempting to ruin their self worth. Kids "want" a lot of things they can't have because those things aren't good for them. This is one of those things, at least for a bit. Stay away for a while. Calmly and maturely explain, if asked by your mother and brother, why the children are not going to be around for a while. There isn't much worse than calling children names and attempting to destroy their self worth. People who do this, whether they are "family" or not, need to be avoided like the plague, at least until they can STOP emotionally abusing your children.
Thanks. I have actually been doing this for years. I'm not even kidding. During that time I can think of at least three major religious changes my mom has made. Now she keeps telling my kids that they belong to her latest religion. I REALLY don't want to alienate my mom and my brother. My entire family is very diverse, and we're not all very close. Everyone, Muslims, Catholics, Christians, Pagans, Buddhists, and a Hare Krishna, want to take my kids to their churches and want my kids to pray with them when they visit. These are just grandparents and uncles I'm talking about. (There have been lots of divorces and remarriages, so they have lots of grandparents.) Ever since I had kids I have been patiently, calmly explaining that I respect their beliefs, I just don't believe the same thing. It's okay if they want to expose my kids to their cultures. My kids can go to different festivals and celebrate different holidays, if this is done without trying indoctrinate them. That's all I'm asking for. Mutual respect. Yesterday I said the harshest thing I have said to my brother, and it wasn't even that harsh. When he repeatedly said, "They're murderers. I AM right and your family is wrong! And I won't stop telling them about it!" I said to him, "I know that you passionately believe that and that's fine, but it's not your job to raise my kids. It's my job. And even though you believe that now, I believed some things when I was your age that I don't now. I have changed my mind about some things. It's possible that you will, too, as you get older." That made him really mad. I had always avoided saying that to him because I guess I knew it would just strengthen his resolve. He's not a health-conscious vegan. He looks disturbingly underweight. It's as if he's starving himself. He's not healthy. Do you know what he said when I told him about the bombings in London? "Well, that's in London. So what?" He doesn't care about people dying violent deaths, but then he tries to terrify my kids and tell them they're murderers for eating turkey. Anyway, I have tried so many times, for years, to agree to disagree, but they're not interested. Moving is looking better and better.
You're right. It's so hard to avoid them because we live in the same apartment complex and of course my kids want to see their grandma. This is really sick, though. When the kids come home saying that their uncle taught them to chant and that if they eat meat they'll be reincarnated as something stupid I calmly explain that some people believe that, but I don't. But to call them murderers. That's just too much. I am so fed up. This stuff used to happen less frequently, too, but my family seems to be getting more, I don't know what the word is, more 'radical' maybe. I don't mean that in a judgemental way. I just mean that their beliefs have changed much more drastically from what they used to be. They went from being peaceful people to being in-your-face judgemental people. A funny thing. When I was a vegetarian and a teenager/young adult, my brother was a little kid. He wanted nothing more in the world than steak to eat. So, even though the rest of the family didn't eat meat, including my mom, she figured that if he's craving it he must need something in it and she let him eat it. She bought it for him. We didn't hassle him about it. I am just hoping that they'll both mellow out with age. I even told my brother that when you become irate and upset when you even hear children ask for a turkey sandwhich (I was going home to make food for a picnic. We never take meat to their house, out of respect.), that makes people feel a lot less like listening to you and it makes people want to avoid you. It doesn't help his cause. He'd have more luck converting my kids if he were the friendly vegetarian uncle who cooked good veggie food (Like the folks on The Farm), rather than the angry, finger-pointing, shouting vegetarian who calls children awful things. Thanks for letting me vent.
I'm currently dealing with a similar thing, only it isn't my parents.. I would definitely sit the family down and talk to them about it.. My son comes first and one thing I don't allow is members of his family going against what I've taught him.. A couple members in my family think racism is ok and try teaching Malachi (my son) that it's alright to call black ppl 'niggers'.. I have to go back and teach him everything I've already taught him.. I get so angry about it but I tell them 'you either do it my way or no way'.. I like having peace and I'm in no way a trouble maker but I won't let someone (in my family) teach my son things that I know are wrong.. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this, but you have to do what is best for your child, even if it is keeping them from going to visit your family on a daily basis..
To add to that, I know that when your children go to school they will hear things they've never heard before but that's different than someone in your family filling your childs head full of garbage.. It's ridiculous, you keep your child at home with you and you teach them what you know is right for you and your child/ren..
Ugghh. I can kind of understand what you're going through. My mother-in-law is a major religious fanatic and is trying in the worst way to rope our kids into that mess of what my husband describes as false prophecies. He was raised in this religion, and, from the time he turned 18, he's been away from it (he is almost 31 years old now) but she still has high hopes that he'll return to his roots. It causes a lot of stress at times, because we disagree with her religion and feel that she is brain-washed (we don't say that to her, but it's how we feel) and we really want to leave that area of her life alone, we do not want to battle over it and have it affect her relationship with our children, but she came over our house yesterday quoting religious passages and basically trying to make my husband feel bad. He just ignored her though, made a few comments against what she had said. I however, was upset because I do not think that any of this should be discussed in front of our kids. I don't want it affecting the relationships that they have with my husband and I as well as their grandmother. This has been an ongoing battle and no matter how many times my husband has told his mother that he is against her religion, she still tries to cram it down our oldest son's throat, like sneaking him to bible studies and preaching biblical lessons to him. I love my mother-in-law very much. We get along wonderfully except for the fact that she has a habit of dropping by unannounced all of the time without calling to see if we're even up to company but I just wish she'd forget about trying to convert us. It's not going to happen!
I can relate about the racist relatives and the "The end is near! Don't let your children be damned!" people, too. It's so frustrating, because like both of you, I don't want to cut these people off. I don't want to be that way. The Southern Baptists in the family turn every visit, holiday, and gift into an opportunity to try to convert us "Because we just don't want you to go to hell, sweetie." (They gave my kids identical Care Bears that pray in unison. When the kids press the button at the same time the toys look like little cult members, all looking alike, dressed alike, chanting in unison. They are forever on their knees. It scares the crap out of my kid when she rolls over on it and it starts praying in the darkness at night, so it sleeps on the shelf now.) I really want to have peaceful, mutually respectful relationships. It just seems like they're not willing. We're their latest conquest. I also talk very calmly to my family about this, because I get the sense from some of them that if I am asking them to just give us that respect, they see it as persecution, as if they're suffering for their religion. So I really avoid getting excited about it. I don't want them to feel like martyrs, or as if they have to choose God over us, and somehow they'll score points with God for cutting off contact with us. I'm so sick of it. I hope we all figure out the best way to handle it. I hope the fanatics in our lives will decide that our kids are important enough that they can lighten up in their presence and just be nice.
Wow. I can't believe that someone would actually tell children they're murderers because they eat meat. I'm a vegetarian, and I would never, ever say that to anyone. Especially to children. That's so terrible.
I know, it's awful. When I was a vegetarian child I got in trouble for telling the kids at school that they were eating dead animals and asking them how they could do that. I don't remember it, my parents told me about this. I could only have been about five or six. The school called my parents and told them that I was scaring the other kids and my parents told them I was just telling the truth and all that. So, I was raised that way. I feel like I was brainwashed to be their little propaganda device. When I was older, though, and still a vegetarian, I changed. I didn't want to be the irritating person that people avoid. I still talked about it, but not in a threatening way. I don't want my kids to be guilt tripped and accused of awful things. I think it's kind of sick of my brother to talk to my kids that way. He gets off on the attention. I still say that my brother would convert more people if he were a friendly vegetarian who cooked good food, not an angry guy who calls children awful things. Oh, well. I am seriously looking into the moving far away option.
sometimes you do have to cut certain people off to have peace in your life......sad, but true i hope everything turns out for the best
Gracias, Sonador Hermosa. Escribiste que su sexo es 'vaginar'. Esta palabra me parece un verbo infinitivo: Yo vagino Nosotros vaginamos Tu vaginas Vosotros vaginais Usted vagina Uds. vaginan hehehehehe :H I didn't learn that one in school. Ingles no tiene este verbo.
