My eyes softened; A feeble pale as i licked my lips. She heaved my heart across a splintered floor. Mapped out my route To the cornered wall where loners sulk on knees and paws. -------- i hate when my heart breaks. It;'s too fragile, it broke too often, now its gone,.
Wish I knew what to say Too late, It's taken my breath away. Sweet girl, I've felt this pain before, Treasure your smiles and smile, for Nothing and no one Can ever hold you down... Off your knees! Through the tears and the trees, With the wings of the love That you'd never see before, May you soar. Someone still thinks the world of you, sweet girl.
I liked this. I didn't like the first stanza very much, but the second one was really good. I think you should cut out the first stanza and leave the rest as it is, it's a lot better like that. It would be short, sweet, and to the point. I think looking at it, they do have a lot to do with one another, but at the same time, they don't, and it makes the first part seem unimportant. Something there that doesn't need to be. I really did like this, though.
I agree with Crash that the first stanza is weak, but instead of leaving the second on its own, it might be interesting to examine other sides of the same emotion in subsequent stanzas. Expand, but don't just take up space. It's great so far, though.
I agree with Crash, on that the second was much more captivating, but dont cut it out. Poems are born of the moment, and shouldnt be overly revised. In my opinion at least. But beautifully sad imagery in the second stanza.
I definitely disagree that poetry should be not be revised. It really depends on the person, but if you're serious about it, then personally, I think you're pretty wrong about that.
a poem SHOULD be revised, as it is being written, but once it is written, and considered a piece of work, then you shouldnt go back into it. It just changes it. I think out a thought, and write it down, remove words, add a rythym, the say VOILA! after that, i dont touch it. Thats what I meant by shouldnt be revised. It should be tuned, not changed. edit: and note, in that post, i said OVERLY revised. just wanted to point that out.
wow thank you all. Biida, beautiful poem! I appreciate all the feedback. i thought it would just be another poem lost in the threads but never fading from my mind's sight. peace&love.
First, great poem. I don't think the first stanza should be cut, it sets a certain mood to it. I really seemed to feel or understand your anguish, as you described it. Second, yeah, poetry should be revised at any time. I see it as a living work, not a dead one. Walt Whitman went back and reworked his masterpiece "Leaves of Grass" tons of times. Ok, that's an appeal to authority, but still. If you come up with a better way to say it after it's done, after it's "a work," then you should change it, even if it means totally revamping it.
