I'm not sure about the ending... but here goes

Breathe life into me
Somebody, please
Dust all the scratches
Off of my knees
Catch me, I'm falling
I'm down on the floor
And it feels like I've been here
Some time before
This pattern--
It's ugly, it's hard to ignore
It's a path growing old to explore
And the memories come back
That haunt me to the core
I can't hang on anymore
I need love

 

anybody?

 

overall I liked, my favorite lines were

but the last line (I need love) doesn't seem to add much... and I think this would be better without it.... also, some of the rhymes seem a little forced, which is why rhyming is so hard to do. I think if you broke up the rhythm a little by adding a line or two to it, it'd have a little more punch, imo. that's kinda more a spoken-word approach, but yeah... my 2 cents

 

Thanks for the feedback, fulmah. I needed some constructive criticism.

 

I liked it all. The ending seems fine to me.

 

Thanks, biida!
I love your signature graphic. Very groovetacular!

 

awe MJ! it sounds like it should be a song!

 

It's a beautiful poem MJ.

But it makes me worry about you. The 'I can't hang on anymore' sounds like your struggling. Even though you said you were fine and promised me that.

The ending 'I need love' is fine its like the closure of your poem in which it is. Everything before that line is like the poem, rhyming etc.. and the last line is like outside of the poem and a simple statement that you need love.

When reading it it also gives me the feeling that I want to catch you to stop you from falling. Which kind of makes me sad.

I believe that a lot of people would have experiences in their lives that they would be able to relate that poem too as well.

Warlock

 

That's really sweet, Mark! Please, don't worry. Writing is my creative outlet. If I feel down, I write, and then I am fine.
Thanks for your concern, though. I'm glad you liked my ending.
-luv mj-

 

MoonJava,

I just posted to you at "Days Afar", you are excellent and you are at a time when you are looking for good people to connect with; part of you is in strong need. Be peaceful, listen; silent, breathe and listen.

When I went to look at this second poem I jumped, you are young and you are learning about this particular manifestation of your art. Please do not be misled by loneliness, it is OK to be lonely. And, actually, in my opinion, it is one of the "great hurdles". In spiritual writings you will see this referred to, by different names, often.

Stand alone, appreciate what you are; your exact state. I do not mean push onto yourself by saying "I am OK" although this is good also. But what I am referring to the "I am OK" will come out of and it is this: Acknowledge the truth of your self, of your awarenesses of yourself and all your experience. Incessantly note your experience including your hopes and dreams. Hopes and dreams are really prayers. Listen to yourself. Listen to yourself.


23

 

MoonJava,

I forgot to say your work is excellent; cultivate yourself. We need you !!!

23

 

aww thanks for all of your input, natural 23. It's so much more appreciated than you will ever know! I'd have to say that you are one of a kind in the poetry forum.
I'm not sure why, but I've been feeling emotional today... the time you took to write all of those kind words really touched me and almost made me cry. Makes me want to grab a pen and write some more. You've inspired this writer! *hugs*

--luv mj--

 

I'm glad that you can use your writing as an outlet to let out what you feel and that your fine after it MJ.

It's nice to know that you can vent your emotions out and then you feel happy again.

Warlock

 

MoonJava and Warlock, for you:

http://www.hipforums.com/forums/showthread.php?p=1502264#post1502264

23

 

this poem seems simple and raw...in a good way of course! Its simplicity makes the emotion more apparent and intense.hope you're ok honey *hugs*

 

Thanks for that natural23 the photos and the narration make it very beautiful to read and look at.

What a lovely experience for you.

I have posted a more extensive reply on the thread.

Warlock

 

Thanks for the link, natural23. It's lovely..