Getting over the death of someone you loved

Okay, this thread is supposed to be serious, so please no dumb/imature/mean posts thank you. I know it might be depressing, but at the moment I really need to talk about this...

Have you ever lost someone you loved, like a parent, or a close friend, or a pet? How have you been? What did help you get over it?

I've lost my grandparents 3 years ago, my best friend 2 years ago, and a few pets, my cat Janis being the most recent one (few days ago).

It was very hard with my grandparents, because I was so closed to them, they were almost like my parents to me, and they died almost at the same time (with a 2 weeks difference). I got over it after a few months, but then it was hard because my mom was going through depression...

Then for my best friend, Sophie, it was pretty hard seeing how she died from an overdose and I felt pretty guilty about it. I was living far from her then, and she was a very naive and fragile girl, and I kinda was always there to help her but that time I wasn't. Since I left she started to see all these horrible people and well it ended up badly.

And well, my cat Janis... it's been terrible, I'm still having a pretty hard time, but I'm getting over it little by little. I miss her a lot, and she was very young so I'm feeling angry because her death was unfair. Or maybe it was, if something was wrong with her... like if she was sick. Cats go away when they're gonna die... but she was hit by a car, and even though I know it was intentional (IT WAS - she was too shy and too careful she wouldn't have crossed normally). It hurts me to think about it... she was so important to me. I don't know if anyone can understand, exept maybe people who really love cats or owned a pet who mattered a lot to them.

I don't know... I'm feeling a lot better since it happened, but still, I have this huge need to talk about it.

 

(Telling you again if I see any bitchy post on my thread you'll regret it). This isn't funny at all.

 

I hear ya. I lost my gramma (my second mom, lived with her a lot).....

a friend from a car accident.

a cousin from a car accident.

my grandpa just recently...

my best friend/first love (from suicide-makes it even worse)

and about 6 others.

it's horrible.

 

That is kind of like asking for the cure for a hangover. Any drunk is going to tell you that time is the only cure.


Time is the only cure.

Just give it some and you will survive. That is the best you are going to get.

 

i lost my grampa in '99 from cancer and a real close freind in early '02 from a drunk driving accident. i feel ya.

 

I swallowed a live goldfish before.

 

i lost my aunt. she had 8 kids, all of them pretty cool in their own diverse ways. she used to make quilts - not patterned quilts, crazy quilts. just scraps of fabric sewn together seemingly at random. no matter how loud the color, or how chaotic the pattern, or how odd the shape, she would take all these scraps of fabric and somehow bring them together into a harmonious whole. she was like that with people, too. she died of diabetes, shortly after her 70th birthday

firequint, you're an asshole and no one thinks you're funny. there now, is that what you wanted to hear? hope you're happy now.

 

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Didn't you fuckers read the poor girls last line? "I have this huge need to talk about it." That doesn't mean 'tell me about your loss'. That is the damn problem with this place. It is always me me me. Get the fuck over yourselves people and open your damned hearts and ears and respond to what people write.

 

well, penny, btw...

i lost my baby (aka-cat) she was 17. i had her for 16 yrs.

it sucks. it's hard.

*mad hugs to you girl*

 

time and acceptance.....

 

I'm sorry of you loses...when my Dad died a few years ago, the grief counsellor offered a possible explanation what a person generally goes through during these times.

Stage: Symptoms
1. Denial

2. Numbness: Shock, Stenned, No Energy, Spector, Nausea, Loss of appetite, Poor Concentration, Tight Chest Difficulty Breathing

3. Searching: Questions, Doubts, Guilt, Anger, Panic, Image of Deceased, Lack of Trust, Never Be Replaced, Deity

4. Disorientation: Confusion, Tension, Insomnia, Worthlessness, Self-Accusation, Loneliness.

5. Resolution Laughter, Pleasure, Letting Go, Goals, Change, Forgiveness, Giving, Understanding, Creativity, Good Diet, No Drugs, One Day at a Time

There isn't a set time frame for each stage, ei. 1 week for Denial, then time for Numbness. Each person is different and grieve in their own way.
Also if you find yourself in one stage, ei. Searching, this doesn't mean you can't have some elements of Numbness such as Stunned while still having Doubts. Also it could be possible to slip back a stage or two before moving onto Resolution.

You don't need to exhibit all of the element to be in a stage. You still can be Numb if you feel Shocked Stunned but not Nausea or Tight Chest.

I'm not very good at this sort of thing, but it may seem you are more or less in Stage 4, Disorientation.

Finally, Fractual_ is right. Time and Acceptance is what is needed. Also is a good description of Stage 4, Resolution.

 

yep. time is the answer. the pain fades and you're left with beautiful memories and the bittersweet thoughts of your past. you also learn so much and appreciate life so much more after a loss of someone SO CLOSE to you that they seem a part of you. after all, they still are.

 

Thanks everyone. It's fine if you share your stories, I think that it'll make us all feel better to talk about it a little bit, like some kind of therapy.

Ole Goat, I think I am in stage 4 indeed, at least for my cat, and maybe Sophie (my best friend). But it comes and goes... I'm between stage 4 and 5, hopefully soon it'll be stage 5 and that's it. I went through all of the stages you described for everyone I lost exept my grandmother, cause she had been between life and death for 2 weeks already (since we told her that my grandfather died), so, I guess I just got used to it slowly and when my mom told me she had died, it was like a releif. I felt like it was best that way. I prefered imagining her free of her sick enveloppe, with my grandfather somewhere in another world maybe, than in a huge pain, pain in her heart and in her body, with a million tubes keeping her alive.

It might seem a bit weird that I can be so attached to a cat, I know it does to some of you. But she was more than just a pet to me... she was like an anti-depressant whenever I would feel bad, I just would take her on my lap and it was like forgetting about everything else. She was so sweet... she would never bite or scratch anyone, but would lick you like a dog! Can you imagine that? She didn't deserve to die... to get sick, like that, so young. Maybe her life seemed long to her, I don't know... at least what makes me feel good is that I gave her all the love, comfort, and food she could get. Janis wasn't independant like most of the other cats... well, she was, but still was really dependant on me and my boyfriend, Nick. When we would come home after being away for a little while, she'd run to us and lick us. At night she would sleep above my head, on my pillow, or on Nick's chest. She was so pretty, too... God, I know she's better where she is now, that her soul still can be with us or go to the places she loved, that it's better that she's dead than sick and in pain, but I miss her so much.

Anyways, thanks a lot for reading what I had to say, you don't have to respond, but like I said before, I just need to express my feelings, it's releiving.

 

*hugs laety*

hope you feel better soon.

 

yes i understand im sorry for you. the thing with me is i dont go to funerals i dont know why my brother passed away 2 years ago and my grandpa last month and habe had 2 friends pass in the past couple of years i guess i still dont understand the whole death thingi went to my grandpas funeral i walked in and seen my mother and grandmother and i didnt move anywhere but by the door didnt see the body and the begged and pleaded for me to stay and see him but i coudnt and i allways seem to regret not going to funerals but they say there bad the peopele look fake and stuff i end up drinking it up in the end i dont know if ill ever be able to go to one of those things i dont want to any help?

thanks seabass

 

hugs to you penny,

i lost my mom when i was 15, due to a long bout with cancer.
for me, death became a routine part of life, and letting go of my mom was easier because of it. but death is never easy. people here have said it very well: time will heal you, and acceptance is the best state of mind to be in. do not judge the rightness or wrongness, but simply allow things to pass as they do.

you are doing good things right now, just talking about it and freely expressing the emotion. you'll be ok.

 

Thank you And thanks a lot Ed too!

seabass, I understand you so well, I never go to funerals either. Never been to one, I just can't... and I don't like remembering the dead ones as a body inside of a box.

 

your very welcome laety.

i have yet to ever go to a funeral because of how i get. my godfathers wake was hard enough for me, and i didnt end up going to the funeral. thats the last death of a close one i can remember. My aunt was also killed maybe 7 years or so back and i didnt even know her. the ceremony for her, at the chruch (baptist) got me very sad though.

 

For me, I never really get over a persons death. I will go through a period where i think about them a lot and I kind of deal with it subconciously while doing something else. All of the people i've known that have died, not just been close to, float into my mind every now and then.

Maybe you could get a new kitten.

 

i ushly dont get upset about death...because i understand death...and life