A Day of Mourning Cat slinking across white picket like the fog of a yesterday of yesterday, one aim, one hunger, one desire, one slight moment then wretched quivering black-brown feathers and white cat body disappear. She could almost hear pads on dirt the squaking of morning death. But it was only in her mind. The double-paned heavy-duty window was shut solid. As the pallid wicker rocker moved fro the morning ritual progressed and paper unfolded Pleasant View Daily. Sleeping at the wheel due to exhaustion, keeping up with twin six-year old boys, mother of 29, now dead, drove into the lake, coroner’s report pending, so the story said. Local man of 65 buried next to his third wife and two sons by first wife. Farmhand, in good spirits, lost right hand in wood cutting accident. Long lost widow was finally found, in a ditch frozen solid. So the stories said. The morning ritual progressed, more coffee was poured, the paper unfolded once again, to the want ads. The window didn’t even rattle.
this is......surreal.....the way you've written this is sorta different...and....well...i can't think of any negative criticism, sorry! it's very powerful!
Good, powerful and all, but ya really gotta break up your lines when they need breaking. Like eh, "then wretched quivering black-brown feathers and white cat body disappear" is a lot to take in one line, ya dig? Seperate every time you come to a new idea... like eh... Mother of 29, now dead drove into lake, coroner's report pending (so the story said) the fourth and fifth stanzas are the chief offenders in this area, though you can see it all through the poem. make sure every part, every word, goes with every other part and word... sometimes the littlest changes can ruin the surrounding words, even if they were great to begin with. but there's always a better combination or words, so even if a change doesn't work right away, keep searching... though sometimes the original combination turns out to be best right away... ok I'm starting to ramble so let's keep on... the ending is good, ironic, but what about the beginning? What are you giving up to the white cat and its movements? theres a pretty sharp transition from the organic nature of the first and second stanzas to the plastic heaviness of the fourth and fifth... do you really need two whole stanzas about the obituaries? One would probably do it just as well, and not weigh the poem down, mm... The second line is good when ya think about it a bit, but you use up six whole syllables on the same word, you may want to question that. i am a fan of the line, tho, innovative and all. Just wanna say that this is a great idea for a poem, and it has a clear message, which makes it a strong piece. It's just weighed down by long lines and some baggage. After some editing it should shape right up... I hope you don't count this as "slapping you around"...
I agree that some of the lines are rather long, but that might be a good thing, if it works for the poem. They tend to slow down your reading, which can add to the heavy feeling you seem to be trying to give. As far as breaking the lines, don't break them so much that they're choppy. So many poems on this site are made of too-short lines. It makes the poem disjointed and hard to read. I don't like the above-quoted revised lines. Rather than just breaking lines, try to cut extra words out, so that with the fewest words you can still get across great images and meaning. That's the mark of a true wordsmith. Anyways, I enjoyed this poem. Interesting read with a well done finish.
poetry is your own thoughts, feelings, and what not. I dont think it can be judged... only by you... its how you felt that day... you cant just change it around making it look pretty for others to read.... You have to personally like it... if you want to change it you can. but poetry does not have to be a certain way .. unless you want it to sound a certain way when others do read it. but i think your poem is well written and just awesome. keep writing!
Yes and no. If you want others to read it, and want them to want to read it, then it can and should be judged. Just as there is a difference between a good painting and a bad one (regardless of how the painter felt) there is a difference between good poetry and bad poetry. I guess if you're just writing to vent, it doesn't matter how shitty the poem is, but then, there's not much point in posting it, since it was written for yourself.
sorry, was out of pocket. just read your posts. this was very good criticism and exactly what i was looking for. i am going to start submitting and needed assessments to help manage my own thoughts and where i'm at. since the idea is to market then i do need to wordsmith it a bit and yet not get too choppy. somewhere in between - and this poem does need a bit more work to get there. it was good to hear that there was power there. sometimes after you read something over and over and plug away at it for a time it loses it's impact and you start to question if it even has an impact. thanks again to all! vetty :sunglasse
You should stop reading the news in your local paper and concentrate on the funny pages for awhile and perhaps a new perspective on all the misrable sorry ass shit happening in Texas won't infiltrate into your mind like so many bad vibes facing you from across the table like a lizard present but uninvited for a breakfast of flies and coffee!
