but burtal. and if u cana't understand that i suggest u don't reply. “The bright lights of the stage call to me, I walk out and darkness envelopes me, I hear the remains of the thunderous applause and laughter, I feel the emotions of the audience beam up at me, The heavy curtain falls on me and its over, My false face falls, My fake smile cracks and My twinkling eyes dim, It’s over, a single tears drops and the last spotlight flickers and fades. My life, my role is over.”
I like the end, kind of surprising. The only problem i see with this poem is that you don't convey the feeling well. You may know what feelings you feel, but we, the readers, don't. You say "the emotions of the audience"...well, what emotions? You have to be more descriptive. You as a poet have to with words let the readers know the experience. Use metaphors and similies more, that helps people put thing into their own way of understanding. Don't take this to mean I think your poem is bad, it's not. It's a bit cliche but pretty well presented, and in my opinion you have some talent that you can really work with. Keep writing
Thank you. I'll tweak it and repost it. I originally did it for my English class, we were suppose 2 describe a place that we were familiar w/ and giv it a new spin. Thanks 4 ur advice.
I need a life. Too much work and not enough play is not good 4 a wannabe artist/writer/etc. Here's my newest one, it still needs alittle help. Any ideas? “The bright lights of the stage call to me, I walk out and darkness envelopes me, A single spotlight blinds me, my eyes wide like a deer in head lights, My ears play tricks on me as I hear the remains of the thunderous applause and laughter, My heart strings tighten as I feel the emotions of the audience beam up at me, Their love and laughter fill the theater as they relive their childhood fantasies through the characters fleeting about on stage, The sounds and lights swirl around me as the ghosts of past performers and admirers dance around me, Taking over my body and flooding my senses until there is nothing left but this world of pretend. An echoing crack and a deafening thud sound through the empty stage as the heavy curtain falls on me and its over, No longer can I feel the warmth and love of the audience. No longer can I smell the sweat and tears of the crew and cast. My false face falls, My fake smile cracks and My twinkling eyes dim, No more pretend, No more daydreams It’s time to return to the harsh world of facts and science It’s over, a single tears drops and the last spotlight flickers and fades. My life, my role is over.”
I'm going to make some alterations that work in my mind. I'm bored too, and hopefully you don't mind. By no means am I an expert, so I'm just playing around here, maybe it will give you some ideas. The only real suggestion I can make is that it's a bit wordy, but it is improved, definitely. The lights, burning like the sun, call me to the stage, Yet I step out into a sea of enveloping darkness, Until a single spotlight finds me, blinds me, eyes wide like a deer lost in headlights. My ears play tricks on me as the thunderous echos of applause and laughter fill my head, Heart tightening in my chest as the audience beams up at me, their emotions tangible, love and laughter filling the theater reliving their childhood fantasies through the characters fleeting about the stage, The sounds and lights swirl around me the ghosts of past performers dance around me, Inhabiting my body and flooding my senses until nothing remains but this world of pretend. Then, an echoing crack and a deafening thud sound through the empty stage the heavy curtain falls on me and it's over, gone the vivid warmth and love of the audience. wiped clean the sweat and tears of crew and cast. My false face falls, My fake smile breaks My twinkling eyes dim, No more pretend, No more daydreams Nothing left but the world's harsh realities a single tear drops, the last spotlight flickers and fades. My life, my role is over.
Very cool. I always hav trouble fixing a anything. I like all my work 2 b small and 2 the point otherwise what's the point, I hate it when people just keep going and going until wow that was NOT worth it.
Here it is alittle tweaked. I can figure out what 2 do w/ the "blinds me" It sounds alittle off 2 me, any ideas? The lights, burning like the sun, call me to the stage, I step out into a sea of enveloping darkness, Until a single spotlight finds me, blinds me, eyes wide like a deer lost in headlights. My ears play tricks on me as the echoes of thunderous applause and laughter fill my head, My heart swells deep within my chest as the audience beams up at me, their love and laughter fill the theater reliving their childhood fantasies through the characters fleeting about the stage, The sounds and lights swirl about me the ghosts of past performers dance around me, Inhabiting my body and flooding my senses until nothing remains but this world of pretend. Then, an echoing crack and a deafening thud sound through the empty stage the heavy curtain falls and it's over, gone the vivid warmth and love of the audience. wiped clean the sweat and tears of crew and cast. My false face falls, My fake smile breaks My twinkling eyes dim, No more pretend, No more dreams Nothing left but the world's harsh realities a single tear drops, the spotlight flickers and fades. My life, my role is over.
I know what you mean, once it's written, a lot of the time I hate having to go back and change things, even minorly. But I'm getting better. As far as being to the point, that's ok, but don't let it be plain description, which makes for boring poetry. You want to use the right words that will allow you to use the fewest words but still get across all your meaning and feeling. That can be tricky. But in some ways, it's better than when poets overuse the flowery language, as if they are hiding the fact that they have nothing to say, haha. As far as what to do with "blinds me", well, I simply liked the way it sounds, but if you don't, cut it out. I'm not sure if it really fits the theme of your poem anyways, where you're out on the stage, not blind, but really living (not sure if the "deer in headlights" part works either, for the same reason, although it could fit...that one could go either way).
