Hey I was just looking to see what you guys thought of this. I started dating this woman about 2 months ago. I wasn't particuarly looking for a new relationship at the time but we just seemed to click. Since we met she's stayed over every weekend, she gets on great with my mates and feelings wise things have moved rather quickly. Overall things are great apart from one thing. Ever so often things from her past keep cropping up. She hasn't exactly lied about them more avoided telling me about them. I met her friends for the first time for a drink and it wasn't until the day after that she told me she had slept with one of them a few years back and it was a one night stand. She said she didn't tell me because it wasn't important but i feel it is since she stays over with them. Everyone who was there knew except me and that made me feel like a bit of an idiot, like i was the only one with no right to know. I know she didn't lie but i still feel to introduce me without telling me wasn't exactly an honest thing to do. As her gf surley i have a total right to know about her sexual history? We've now had words about it because as someone who hasn't had any one night stands i can't understand how or why someone would want to be friends with someone after one. I've noticed this a lot with gay women that they keep in contact with ex's or ex lovers and its almost taboo to have a problem with your gf doing this. Personally i wouldn't be seen dead with any of my ex's never mind stay friends with them. I feel it complicates new relationships. If i was striaght this would be like letting my bf stay over at an ex gf's which i know very few ppl would put up with. So why is it different for lesbians? I've never been on the scene but i get the impression this is quite a common thing. Basically now i have a bit of a problem because they have become very good friends over the years and although i wouldn't do anything to upset that i now feel very uncomfortable with the whole thing. More so that my gf has thus far seen fit to edit which parts of her past to tell me because she said its unimportant. However i can't help feeling that in some way the past makes us who we are and gives a bit of insight into where we're going and if it was so unimportant then why did she not just tell me sooner?
Although you DO have a right to know about her sexual history, that doesn't mean that she is comfortable with you knowing about it. She most likely didn't tell you about it because she wasn't sure of how you would feel about her and the people she hangs around with outside of the time you two are together; which sounds like it is a problem already. She might have been ashamed of it, and you don't know the details surrounding the actual situation; so, it's best not to worry about it too much. If anything, talk with her about why she felt it wasn't that important to let you know.
I have a couple of friends that edit the truth a bit to suit.. It really gets to me, and I also feel a bit like they were keeping it from me, like they had something to hide.. but most of the time they don't have the chance to tell me properly, or don't know how to bring it up, so a the moment I'm trying to make it easier for them to tell me stuff they think might hurt me (which is kinda hard but I'm just trying to be as open with them as possible and keeping the environment relaxed) A couple of things I was thinking, when I read it, was that if the two of them get along so well now, but they only had sex once and didn't go any further with it, is that something would have had to happen for them to not pursue a relationship. So either it was a one night stand cause they were both lonely/horny, out of convenience, nd neither wanted more; or they realised they didn't like each other like that? Maybe a romantic relationship is just impossible for those two? So they remained friends.. Personally, female lovers are different to male lovers cause its easier to categorise them as "friend" afterwards. Part of it might just be the social aspect, I don't know. But make sure she's honest..there's nothing worse than a liar, it's so painful.
Well, this is how I see it, and it's just my opinion and personal experience... Could it be that she wanted you to get to know her friend as a person before you judged her as an ex? IF she would have told you before you guys got together, would you have been polite, courteous, or even TRY to get to know them or would they have had the label "had sex with my girl... bad news"? And the way you responded, I can't blame her for waiting to tell you. I think she just wanted you to give her friend a chance before telling you. that's all. Sounds like that's an issue with you, not her. In one of my circles of friends, almost everybody has dated or had a quick fling with everybody else. Guy A dated girl X for a year. they break up and guy B starts dating girl X while guy A has a one night stand with girl Y After Guy B breaks off with girl X, girl Y starts dating guy B. If we all stopped interacting with each other after something happened, then none of us would talk to each other. Hell, even my brother and I dated the same girl at one point in our lives (not at the same time. yuck!) But that group is kinda weird that way. I know plenty of people outside of that group who still remain in contact with their ex's or flings. in fact, I'd rather be with someone who had a one night stand with a friend than a stranger. at least they know more about the friend's sexual history than the stranger's. And I've been in situations with friends where we drank more than we should, things got a bit out of control, yadda yadda yadda, we're both feeling a bit awkward in the morning. But what can ya do? End the friendship over a night of drinking? or try to work through it and laugh about it later on? My friendships mean too much to me to throw away like that. It only complicates new relationships if one is insecure about it. You seem the jealous type. That can be damaging to the relationship. I'm sure if you showed her that you're not the psycho-jealous type, she'd be more than happy to tell you everything. But how can she tell you everything if she's afraid you'd freak out about it? You've had words over this one friend, a case in which she did tell you, just not when YOU wanted to hear it. It's no different for lesbians than for straight people. I let my bf's or gf's stay with their ex's. Why? because I TRUST THEM to be true to our relationship. If I can't trust them, I have no business dating them. Again, she might edit parts of her past to avoid conflict. I think the biggest problem is with the way you are dealing with it, not what she's doing. You should not only encourage the friendship, but try to strike up a friendship with this other person as well. Get to know her, spend time around her. Double date! take a moment to REALLY get to know them as more than an ex or one night stand. There's more to her than just that. It's like someone focussing on the fact that you're a lesbian without trying to get to know anything else about you. I'm sure you've experienced that more than once in your life. Not a good feeling, is it? If you want her to be completely honest with you in everything, then you need to show her that you'll love her and care for her no matter what she tells you, and that you'll not give her grief, or try to change her once you know. Accept her for who she is now and the people that she has in her life. Once she sees this, she'll be more apt to open up completely to you. But that's just my personal view of it. Hope I didn't offend.
Hi all cheers for the replies. Well i do wish she would have told me before introducing me because not doing so feels to me like there was a wall up between me getting to know her friends before i'd even tried. And yeah i am a wee bit jealous but not to extremes. Although, i dont see how it classes as jealousy to be anoyed about being kept in the dark about something. To be honest i'm not to sure how i would have reacted if i'd known before but the way its all came out has made it seem like a bigger deal. See i dont have a group of friends where everyone's dated everyone because i value my friendships too much to complicate them with sex and i find this has worked well for me personally because i'm very close to my friends. We have spoken about it and i do understand her reasons to a degree. As for trust its something that takes a time to be earned and its difficult to do that early on in a relationship when things have been kept from you from the start. yeah i agree she probably avoided telling me because she wasn't sure what i would think about it and from what i gather she was a bit embarressed about it, then the longer she left it the worse it got and i can totally see how that happened but on the other hand i'm a more upfront person so it was hard for me to understand why she didn't just say. I care about her a lot and i'm going to make an effort with her friend because its important to her and i want her to be happy with me but i still can't just click my fingers and change how i feel about it and i am a bit dissapointed with my gf for not telling me sooner. So i've aired my feelings to her and so has she and we've put this down to teething problems in a new relationship as we've still got to learn how to deal with situations that crop up as a couple. So hopefully this experience will make us stronger and better at dealing with each other in future.
ive had "one night stand" type relationships and i want to be friends with them after... mainly cause im lonely. i used to accept being used, and i didnt care. old ex's make good freidns (sometimes, with me they did) because they know about you already and can help... unless they are mad at you and have bad feelings due to breking up. she probably doesnt tell you things because she's afraid of what you do and how you think PLEASE TAKE THIS ADVICE: do not judge her or criticize her on any past things, she will hate you and it's mean. discuss them kindly. it made me feel distant from my boyfreidn when he was mean to me about my past stuff
I dont judge her for her past or criticize her. I wasn't angry about her past at all i was just really hurt that she wasn't more upfront about it with me and concerned that she might keep other things from me in the future. As i said already i have no intention of coming between her and her friends and i will make an effort with it even although i feel a bit uncomfortable. I think what i should focus on is that she has now been open with me and that we have both learned from this. By the way i think its good that you've learned not to let people use you because i think at some point everyone can relate to how that feels. Thanks and take care.
ya, sorry if i sounded up front. i had to type it fast cause i was supposed to be doing something else
