RIght now things are so difficult and I just don't know what to do. I trust the opinions of the fine sisters and brothers here. THings have been going downhill for a long time,lots of stress and financial pressure (which dh can't handle well).Lots of verbal arguements,not alot of communication. no sex since forever. When dh comes home he takes a nap,he spends the majority of his time either in the bedroom watching tv while kids and I are in the living room or he is out in the garage smoking and listening to tunes. Isolating himself. I know he is depressed but he will not do anything about it. He has threatened suicide. He has told me he wants a divorce,then he cries and begs me not to leave him. In addition I just feel like he and I are on different paths and care about different things. I want to be living more in line with my values (I believe eating meat is wrong and yet it's what we have because we can't afford two diets and he throws tantrums about getting his way.) How do you leave when you still love the person but things have gotten so sad and seperate that living with them is killing you inside? The horrible truth is if it were economically possible I'd be gone,but also if it were economically possible maybe it would not be this bad. He loves me,he loves the kids,but he doesn't have energy or time to give us. also he is smoking pot which I really out grew about a decade ago and find it to be financially infuriating when we have to eat hamburger helper while he is stoned! any ideas?
I am sorry you are going through this. He does sound terribly depressed. How far do you want to go to help him? If someone mentions suicide, they can be taken to an ER (even if they don't want to go, you can call an ambulance, if things get bad enough) and be held for observation to determine if they are a danger to themselves or others. A professional is better at determining if someone is "serious" about a threat, or is turning anger inward, which may soon turn outward towards others. If it is that bad, would you be willing to have him evaluated to make sure he isn't a danger to himself? Or even to you and the kids? If you do call a hospital, I wouldn't go into the dietary stuff. That won't make a difference (that is something for a marraige conselor, not an intake doctor) but if you think he is getting very ill, it might help to have him evaluated. Of course you always run the risk of permenantly damaging the relationship, if he refuses to accept a diagnosis, or if they release him as "not a danger" after 48 hours. I am so sorry you are suffering. I wish there was something I could do to help.
you should make a compromise with him tell him that the family goes veggie and he can smoke his pot i think meat may be affecting his mind some would disagree with me but being a vegetarian for 3 years now, i know it has an impact on one's mindset to me, i think it makes people aggro me and my man have financial problems, but i have learned that i need to look out for my own, which is me and my kids. i am there for him and yet he knows that i am in control of my own life he takes care of us as best as he can and knows that i would do the same for him he respects that, but we have a lot in common. we both are veggie and live similar lifestyles. i am sorry that things are not working out for you. sometimes when people differ on life philosophy there is no cure, and sometimes the cure is worse than the disease. i am sure i am of no help but i want you to know that you came to the right place and there are a lot of supportive bro's and sisters here on the parenting forum that will support you whatever you decide. making the decision is the hard part i won't lie to you about that. do you really love him? for the right reasons? then it will work itself out, otherwise, you may be wasting your time with someone that isn't right for you and thus lettting the 'right' one get away i hope you stay strong we love you and want the best for you love chill mama
I think part of the problem comes from me. Before I met my husband I was in a really bad abusive situation for a couple of years, and I think I didn't come into this relationship with a strong sense of self. So as I've gotten stronger and stronger about who I am maybe it seems like alot of change to him. We have been together for 11 years,btw. So it's not like it's always been awful,but maybe in some ways it's just gone as far as it will. I don't know. THe thing that has triggered the recent trouble is money. We have always been lower income but ok with it,not really big material types of course. But there was this student loan he had from a trade school that scammed him way before I even knew him.The place was closed down for being crooked and he went back on Dead tour and sort of just blew it all off.Then about 2 years ago some stuff came in the mail saying you owe bigtime.And we filled out some stuff and it went away again because we are poor. BUt when more paperwork came he was already depressed by alot of work pressure(new boss,big shakedown in his company and he doesn't handle stress well,obviously) and for some reason he just decided to ignore the papers about the loan. Now they are garnishing his wages even though we were already on freakin foodstamps because he got all these letters I never saw that were really clear about sending in the paperwork before a deadline or else they would go ahead and garninsh anyway and once they start they don't have to stop even if you legally are too poor because you had fair warning and did nothing!!(gov't does this,we all know how sympathetic they are)> SO I filled out all the form s but it was after the garnishment started and they don't have to stop because he fucked up. I've been to food stamps and hopefully they will increase the amount but that hasn't happened yet. Meanwhile we live in an area that was hit by 3 hurricanes last year and all our bills have gone up dramatically to cover the cost of replacing all the poles and cables and wires and stuff (even though the Gov't gave the utility co.s plenty of $ to fix it all,right)SO our cost of living has gone way up,his take home pay has gone DOWN, and I have so little work experience and no transportation and a 2 year old that if I was working we would lose food stamps and gain a childcare bill.ANd we love Xander Jake he is amazing but he was an unplanned blessing and while I was pregnant with him that's when all this old loan crap started. We also have a brilliant daughter that has been homeschooling and now I don't know if I can keep doing that,or if I have to find some kind of job,or what. Lots of stuff at once. On top of all this my grandparents were put in a home and my dad got control of all their dough and is buying brand new cars for his wife's 15 and 16 year old daughters while we drive a '93 Ford Heap that literally has mold growing in it and that has led to some heavy resentment between husband and the only family I have down here. Well at least I feel a little better having blown all that stuff out of my head and into this forum. I also wanna say thanks SO MUCH to the LOVING people here!!! You know I tried to post my woes at Mothering.com and got attacked by the word police for saying I felt like a single parent and getting all the single parents p.o.ed at me. Thanks so much for giving me a safe and supportive place to come to in this difficult time. I love you guys (oops I mean gals,no women,no wait womyn!or is it humans?Humyns!yes that's it,humyns.
***hugggsss*** Wow, you really need a break lady! First off, sounds like you two really love each other, you just hit some hard times. It happens to all of us now and then. A divorce would be just one more thing to stress over, and since you love each other, you'd probably end back up together, paying for that too, lol. As for the financial situation, have you considered working opposite shifts? Alot of parents around here do this, Dad works a regular job with normal hours, and Mom works evenings or nights somewhere (even part-time is something), so they don't have to pay for childcare. I even know a mom who manages to do this, AND homeschool four children--she's exhausted of course, but moms usually are anyway, haha! Anyway, i was considering this myself, after the baby is born, due to some recent financial concerns, and it doesn't look like a bad idea. Hope things get better real soon!
