I wasn't sure where to post this, so this seemed like a good place. My parents divorced just a few months ago. I was my mom's support through the whole thing. It wasn't easy to listen to her cry about how sad and alone she was. But I did it anyway. She's moved on and has a really nice boyfriend now. My dad is sort of odd. When I was younger, I admired him for all the hard work he did. Sometimes I was confused about why he put work over family, but I figured he was just doing the best he could to provide for our family. He cheated on my mom with a woman he met in MI when he worked there. He is in CO now, about to move to Utah. He works constantly. So how is he a deadbeat dad? He hasn't once called my 13 y/o brother. He stopped paying child support 2 months ago. He even used my MOM'S credit card to fly his little girlfriend out to CO for a week. He hasn't paid her back. When he calls me, he asks about work and nothing else. when he calls my mom, he tells her about how sad and depressed he is. He says things like, "he has no reason to live" and "he hasn't had a family in a long time" It makes me so mad. I've done so much good in my life, in the few years I have been on my own. Isn't that enough to be proud of? And why didn't he offer to fly ME out to Denver? Doesn't he want to see me? I don't get it. He acts like this and then calls me and my mom up bitching about how things are so bad for him. I don't have the heart to get on his case and tell him it's all his fault. But I can't stand hearing about his self-induced misery. And I can't stand thinking that I'm not even good enough for my own dad. I know a lot of people don't even get to see or meet thier parents. I should be grateful. But at the same time, I'm so sad. I want to give him a reason to be proud...
reading this is alot like reading about how my own dad used to be. infact, apart from the fact that we live on opposite sides of the ocean it could be the same story. i dont often tell people things like this, but i think i will now coz it might offer a bit of hope. after he left he didn't want to know me and my sister. no phone calls, no visits, nothing. for a long time i was very very hurt. i thought i was worth nothing as a person, the logic behind that being that if my own father wont love me or be proud of me, then how can i expect anyone else to. as i have got older he has made more of an effort, (well, i sort of dumped myself on his doorstep after my mum threw me out) and we gradually became a bit closer, though i was a bitch to him coz i wouldnt forgive him. then a few years ago i was talking to my cousin. her mum is my dads sister. i found out all sorts of thigs about my dad that he had never told us. his dad died when he was very young. after that he just went through a string of abusive alcoholic stepfathers. he never had a role model and never learnt how to be a dad. it was then that i realised he was doing the very best he knew how to. it wasnt his fault he didnt know what to do when he never had a role model to teach him. i always thought he was distant with us because he didnt love us. with hindsight i now realise that my mother (who i adored and couldnt see that she'd done anything wrong) was actually very domineering, and my dad spent most the time out of the house avoiding her and not us kids. i know how bad it feels at the moment, and how hard it is to forgive someone who continually hurts you, but it might be worth having a think into why he's behaving like he is. you say you were your mums support the whole way through. i was the support for my mum aswell, and it blocked my mind to the fact that she might also have faults, and i unneccessarily blamed my dad for far more than his fair share. i dont know if this has been any help atall, but as hard as it seems, the best advice i can offer is to put yourself in your dads shoes, and it may bring a little peace of mind to know why he's acting the way he is, even if it doesnt change anything. peace and love stardust xxx
I can see from reading your posts the kind of person that you are, and I'm certain that your father is proud of a having such a good and loving daughter, who is a fully functional person out in the world, on her own. You know that there are plenty out there who are not doing so well on their own, having children at young ages, out of wedlock, drug dependencies, and such. Without having children of my own, it's hard to know for sure, but I think that the responsibility of heading a family for men is quite stressfull. We're conditioned to be the providers and the better provider that we are, the more that our masculinity is validated. I can see how a man could get wrapped up in that mindset and lose sight of the importance of showing his love toward his family, by spending his time with them rather than his money. I think that the thing to remember is that our parents are only people, not unlike us, and they do the best that they can, except that they have the pressures of being parents,...responsible for all of the children's well-being, and that of their own relationship. That's a lot for anyone to deal with in my opinion and so I've always tried to not question my parents actions and try to believe that they know what's best for them, just because they are the parents and I'm the child. I'm sure that your dad's proud of you. Is it possible that he is felling unworthy of you, due to his own failures in life, percieved or otherwise?
maybe, but after 6 months, I'm fed up with him saying he "has no reason to live" and "he's lost everything that was ever important" ect. I can't stand to sit and listen to him wallow in self pity. For god's sake, I personally have dealt with bigger, more stressful issues than he has and I don't sit and drink my life away. those statements add up and make ME feel unworthy. My father didn't lose anything-he gave it all up. He is a very immature man. Even when I wasn't upset with him and my family situation, I said that. I can somewhat sympathize with him- but it gets old really fast.
Well there ya go. It's like I said, they're just people too...subject to the same problems as the rest of us. Sorry to make you have to type all of that twice. I did read it the first time. Sounds like your dad is really struggling, and he's not sheltering you from it. I understand that he brought it on himself, but you wouldn't want him to turn his back on you and your problems. If he's been there for you b4, then this is an opportunity for you to be there for him. I'm not saying to cut him slack. Call him on the no child support and the cheating thing cause that's wrong, but don't abandon him. If you do, then you're no better than him. Good luck.
I think of you knew the details of his immature behavior you'd say "ok that's going a little too far." I'm not about to sit and bash my dad anymore, but this is hard to deal with. Like I said, after 6 months of trying to help, his pitiful poor me attitude is nothing but a weight on my shoulders. Since when did I become his friend anyway? I'm his daughter. You don't fight with your spouse in front of your children, you don't use them as a weapon on your partner, and you don't push your marital problems on them! just because I'm not a child anymore, doesn't mean he has the right to talk shit about my mother to me on the phone. And when it comes to him being there for me- I can think of one time that I neeed him more than any other, and he completely turned his back on me. So why in the hell should I be there for him? I mean, I HAVE been and my efforts have proven pointless anyway. So what's my motivation to keep putting up with his shit? Sometimes I'd like to tell him if he wants to blow all his money and time on his new family and ignore my mom and brother- he doesn't deserve me either. He's been selfish all his life and for once he needs to wake up. Or he really is going to lose everything he once had. I love him and have tried to be there, but how long would you expect a 19 year old girl to sit and listen to her father say he wants to kill himself because he has nothing to live for?!
Wow. I'm really sorry to hear all of that. After reading that post, I agree that your father is certainly not setting the example of the kind of man that he would want for you to be with. That's very sad. I think that you're brave to talk about this with a stranger. It would embarass me if it turned out that at age 19, I was living more succesfully and basically more functionally than one of my parents. It would be like, yo' how'd I get my shit together when even you can't. Obviously, I didn't learn it from you...would be how I'd feel. Telling your daughter that you want to kill yourself is at the very least, selfish. Suicide is always a totally selfish solution anytime, by not having any regard for the feelings of those left behind. I think that you're right on target to call him on his current behavior as well as his past indiscretions. I think that if because your an adult now, he feels that he has the right to lay all of his problems at your feet, then as an adult you certainly have the right to tell him exactly what you think. It's probably the best thing that you can do for his well-being, your own, and your relationship, because then there's no underlying smouldering resentments between you. They're at least in the open. Again, I'm sorry to hear that your dad is not so ideal. He should be ashamed. What kind of example is he for you and your family.
