Wanting children or not

Do you want children or not sure?
Seems that most women (practically every woman I have known) has wanted children and that came as a "natural" thing. But what if you are a women that doesnt want kids or isnt really sure. I am not sure...the idea of having kids never came naturally to me. And that feels a bit strange I must admit. So I have always wondered, what makes you want kids? Is it something natural that you have felt all your life? Or maybe with age? Or mabye not at all? I havent met even a handful of women in my lifetime that didnt want children...so I am wondering what it might be that makes me so different. To be honest...I really wish I wanted kids. It seems like the greatest gift in the world, but there has never been a day in my life where I thought I wanted to be a mom. I figured by my age things would change....but they havent. So why do you want, or did you want, children and how has your perspective on it all changed if at all?

 

Well, I can kind of relate. I don't have any kids yet, and although I'm most definately going to be a mother at some point, I've never had the desire to become pregnant. I totally love the idea of adoption, and I plan on adopting as many kids as I can afford (and tolerate ) I will never understand a woman's desire to do that to her body, but it's their choice.

You're perfectly normal. My sister is 20 and she has NO desire to have kids at all. There was an article in cosmo about this awhile back. The number of women choosing not to have kids is going up, so you're definately not alone. I wouldn't worry about it. You shouldn't have kids unless your 100% behind the idea.

-Kate

 

there's nothing wrong with not wanting kids, but if you don't want them, for pete's sake, don't have them. they will not "grow" on you. (i know people who have had children because it seemed like the right thing to do...trust me, they weren't doing themselves or the children any favors).

as for what motivates people to have children, i have always wanted children, since i was a little girl. it has gotten stronger as i got older, and much stronger after i got married and settled.

some people never have that drive. some people feel it as they get older. the age to start having children seems to be getting later and later for many women. my mother had school aged children by the time she was my age, but to many people, i am considered young to be trying to have kids.

 

I'm undecided, sometimes I see a cute baby or hang out w/kids of my relatives and I totally want to have one, but then I think about the sacrifice and the cost and I don't think I want any.
Anyways, there are a lot of things I want to do first, I have plenty of time to make up my mind.

 

I dont know, i guess I do want to have kids, but i've got trouble picturing myself as a mum...I still feel like a 15 year old girl sometimes...
Now that I think about it, I'd like to be a mum, but in many years... I want to live my life as an individual and prepare myself to be good for my kids, that means having life experience to understand them and guide them properly. As my mum says a child is forever a child in a parents eyes.

 

i didn't want kids until all of a sudden when i was about 23 i was suddenly baby crazy. i didn't have a baby until i was 26, wanted a stable home before i did. i still feel like a kid, but it's wonderful and sometimes very difficult to place someone else's needs forever before your own. i think many people, though not all, who don't want children are uncomfortable with that degree of sacrifice and responsibility. that's a perfectly valid decision to make. we're not all here for the exact same life, we're all here to learn completely different lessons and to accomplish completely different things. of the women i know who didn't want children, their reasons were "because i want to be able to do whatever i want whenever i want." that's a damn fine reason not to have a child. why bring a child into that? you'll both just be miserable.

 

No idea why I want children, it's just an intuative thing. I love being around babies/children and seem to have a way with them. So many people have said I'd be a good mother so it would be a shame to waste that

Of course I'm not going to have children for a very long time. Have to get though uni and find a significant other first. I'm not really fussed about when it happens, just that it does.
If I couldn't have children natually then I would go for over seas adoptions.

TTFN
Sage

 

I went through phases where I would want kids and then not want kids - so I don't think it was a "natural" thing for me because most of the time was spent...not wanting them. It never felt weird to not want to have kids.

 

This is a constant struggle between my husband and me. When we got married several years ago, we both knew we eventually wanted to have children. As I've gotten older, it's occured to me that maybe I don't want children. My husband wants them more than ever. So it's a difficult situation. Sometimes I think there might be something wrong with me for not wanting something that everyone else does. But then the logical part of me answers and tells me there is nothing wrong with that. This is my life and no one elses and I shouldn't feel like I have to have kids. At least not until I know I'm ready. But what if I never am ready???!

 

I never wanted to bear children. I don't really regret it either, I always felt I was too immature. I do have stepchildren though, but it's not the same thing. But there are people like us that just don't have a drive to propagate.

 

I have no clue im still in highschool hehe but its a trend it seems not to be offensive


peace
chickens

 

i really, really want kids (not for a good few years though). I don't know what it is - I guess i'm just kind of clucky I am so glad though, that we live in a time where that's a choice and not and order.

 

I really like kids. There are inevitably a few that will bug the hell out of you, and that's what I'm scared off. So I'm interning at my dad's friend's law firm this summer to see if I want to go into law (I don't) and he's a partner in a family law firm. So usually some clients bring their kids with them, and there's a daycare center. But this one woman brought her son who had ADD and she insisted on keeping him during the meeting (and this was a rather long meeting --I think they were doing a deposition) so the man suggested I take him to see Harry Potter at a cinema nearby. So I got $40 and off we went. We were giving the ticket takers our stubs and I asked what time it ended. The ticket taker said, "Which movie theatre? It's playing at 4 different ones." Ok, so she was OBVIOUSLY saying that it's playing at 4 theatres within the cinema, but the kid was confused and kept saying, "This one."

Well, the point of that is that I'm afraid of not liking my children. I have very low tolerance for obnoxiousness and idiocy. So if I have an obnoxious idiot as a child, will I notice and not like it? I know mothers always love their children, but they can't always like them. Those kids that scream all the time, and throw tantrums - who could really like them?

I don't want kids now, obviously, as I'm 17, and I have no idea how I'll feel in 10 years. I really favor adoption. I really, really would love to bring in a kid and show them a much better life.

And, it's my own personal philosophy that every human owes it to the world to make a positive contribution in any way that they can. ("Owes" is definitely the wrong word, but I see no viable substitution). I don't see someone who doesn't want kids as selfish. It's their duty first to leave some kind of meaningful impact to society - I see that as a much more noble duty than your duty to produce more humans in an overpopulated planet without doing anything worthy. And by meaningful I don't mean volunteering at a charity for a few hours or starting a business. I'm a Romantic, and I see it as creating something beautiful or living your life in such a way that is an inspiration to others. Of course, delivering life and all that must be beautiful etc - but I just fail to see a domestic life, staying at home, cooking, cleaning, raising kids (hard and rewarding as it is) - as worthy. But then, I have unreasonably high expectation and I expect every person's life to paragon a great artist's.

 

So I see I am not completely alone in my not wanting kids. Thats good to know I just always thought that mabye it is some instinctive thing in women and I never felt felt like I had that trait. My last relationship ended in part because my boyfriend did want kids not to far in the future and I just couldnt even contemplate it. I understand that it might be hard to find a man who feels the same way, since I cant think of a man I have ever known that didnt want kids also. (not that I have asked every guy I knew if they did want them) so who knows....I will say thought that when I think about myself in terms of the future...like mabye when I am in my 40's and 50's..... I dont like to see myself without a family and children. But then I just cant see myself having them and raising them anytime before that. Partly because I am selfish in that I dont want to sacrifice my freedom...but partly because I just dont have the desire. But it is something I am trying to figure out since I am not getting any younger (and while I still have plenty of time) I feel in a weird way like I should know by now what I want. I guess I have no choice but to let time decide.......and maybe the if the right man comes along....but untill then I am staying celebate

 

There are plenty of guys who don't want kids. Or you could become a lesbian and stop settling for less

I also think about myself when I'm old and don't have kids. But then I think that having kids to avoid being lonely is a really sad reason. There shouldn't be such a void in a person's life that they have to fill it with another. Plus, that's why adoption is great..you don't have to raise them (depending on what age you get them..I support older-age adoptions because no one wants them) but they're still there.

 

Sometimes I can see myself with kids...but most of the time, I can't. I can see myself dealing with babies and young children...but I don't know about dealing with older kids. I don't know if I'd want to put up with all the bullshit that comes along with them. The way I figure it, I helped raise my younger siblings...that was enough...haha. My boyfriend doesn't want kids either...so it's a good thing we're on the same page. I guess I'm just about wanting to live my own life and experience what I will, only having to worry about myself. I also love having one person to share my life with and take care of/have take care of me. Once you have children, the intimacy with your significant other diminishes (from what I've seen), and I'm not the type of person who'd be able to deal with that. If I were to ever have kids, it'd have to be with someone who could promise me that the relationship between he and I wouldn't suffer because of it. Maybe I'm too young and too selfish to consider children...but at the same time...who says a woman HAS to give birth? It's all an individual choice. I might have kids, I might not...we'll see one day...lol.

 

sadeyed-

everyone is entitled to their opinions, but i strongly disagree with your statement that a domestic life taking care of kids isn't worthy. to the contrary, i can think of very few things that are more worthy. the fact is, it all comes down to personal priorities. some people find that children are very important to them, some people don't. that's ok.

but, most people shuffle off to work every day, as a secretary, or whatever. they sit at a desk all day, watching the clock. they go to work to make money. period. what's so meaningful about that?

what does a (sahm) mom do? well, first of she makes the enormous decision to basically give her life over to someone else. she spends the vast majority of her time and effort taking care of someone else, helping them learn and experience the world. she usually does this as some sacrifice, financially, and otherwise. for what reason? because she truly has the chance to change the world, through that one (or 2, or 5 or whatever) person.

i can't think of many jobs where you can truly impact the world on that level. there was a thread a while back here on the forums, about who your hero was. a surprising number of people (myself included) stated that their mom was their hero. not a political activist, not a movie star, not a business person. MOM.

it's ok if you don't want kids, but you should never look down on motherhood. it may not be the choice for you, but it is a worthy choice.

 

I feel strongly that if someone doesn't want children, they definately should NOT have them. There are too many people in the world, and TOO MANY people having kids that they didn't want, don't like and can't be bothered to take care of. Don't add to this by having chidlren unless it is going to be the most important thing in your life!!!! Children should never be an afterthought, or something, like a pet, that you only spend time with when it is convenient for you. TOO MANY people have kids who really shouldn't. Parenthood should be reserved for those who are willing to do EVERYTHING they can to raise a child in a good enviroment, and spend as much time as possible (basically ALL their time, in the first few years) taking care of a helpless child.

Sadeye, one thing to think about, adopting is NO guarentee that you will not have to deal with "idiocy and obnoxiousness" or whatever it was that bothers you about kids. ALL kids are obnoxious, and kids who have been in Foster Placement are almost always very needy, which is often misinterpreted as obnoxiousness by some. If you are fertile, you will not be given a newborn via adoption, so you will be relegated to kids no one else wants, and children who have been unwanted tend to be MORE of a challenge than those who were wanted from the start. Believe me, they are NOT "grateful" for their adoption or thier placement with a new family, as most have been so abused and neglected all of their lives. You will not have instant love and acceptance from a child who has been adopted after the age of 3 months or so, you will have a huge challenge on your hands, more of a challenge than many who have newborns. If you want to avoid "obnoxious" behavior, I would stay away from adopting, as you will get a very needy child, and you may (altough I wouldn't) interpret this as "obnoxious." I am not even going to address your "idiocy" comment. As this is absolutely uncalled for, not to mentions smacks of lack of knowlege about childhood, when speaking about innocent children.

And, of course, making comments about children as you did here, to the adoption agency, will get you NO child at all. No agency will give a child to someone who says, "I want a kid, but not an idiot or an obnoxious one." Good luck in that endevor.

As for the little boy's behavior at the theatre, HE'S A CHILD, THAT IS THE WAY THEY ACT, HE WAS CONFUSED. Please, learn what to expect from children before you start judging them. ALL children, especially older adopted ones, need ACCEPTANCE.

 

I completely agree. With your whole post actually, but it was so long to quote.

Yeah, kids get confused. It doesn't mean he's stupid, or an idiot. I am not picking on sadeyedlady or anything, but...I don't understand what the point was of the story about the theater? If something like that bothers someone that much I'd really recommend they not have children, for sure.

 

I agree, and that's why it sometimes seems that I disapprove of motherhood in general when in reality I'm disapproving of people who could be putting their lives to better use (because having children is not the best decision for them) and instead feel like they have a void they need to fill. A lot of women, instead of creating a meaningful life for themselves, decide to have kids instead.

Maybe spoiled American kids, but I've spent a lot of time in thrid world countries b/c of my dad's job and have never encountered the type of callous, lazy, inane behavior that is commonplace to American children. There, they care about education, about honor, and respect. There are no fat kids that gorge themselves on candy, or that whine when they have to work or go to school. Don't deny this is the way a lot of American kids act. They have little discipline and are just mentally feeble in general. Look at the American populace. Dumb adults come from dumb kids.

Yeah, that was exactly what I was planning to say. Hmmm...