Kelso Wars - A New Dope

May 19th has arrived. It's the UK release date of the final installment of the Star Wars Saga. An epic tale that has taken nearly thirty years to complete.

Kelso Wars, the forums version, has taken a fraction of that - nearly two years. After several attempts to finish (including one where my hard drive screwed up, forcing me to reformat and lose all my work), it's finally done. I've got to admit, it felt good finally typing up the ending that I've had in my mind for the last couple of years. I hope that you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. Thanks for letting me share the voices in my head


Kelso Wars centred around forum events of the time. For those of you who weren't around, here's an explanation of what happened;

Kelso, Slight, ProfitInPeace, whatever names he's been known as is a talented fellow. So talented, that at one point a couple of forumers decided to start a fan club for him. Oddly enough, another forumer or two thought the exact same thing. So we ended up with two seperate fanclubs. Of course, this is the UK forum, so both clubs were respectful and kind to each other...yeah, bollocks they were. For a while, it was almost like a war zone in the forum! And that's where the idea came from...the rest will probably be explained.

So here's what I'll be doing. Every night at 7pm, I'll post a new installment to the story. Now, the last time I posted this on the new forums, the formatting messed up. So if I can't get the formatting right this time, I'll start uploading the chapters as seperate attachments for you to download and enjoy. It'll also help cut down the size of the thread - we have 44 pages to get through! Sometimes I'll upload a lot in one day, sometimes not so much. I'll be trying to leave it off at the best places . But this time...the story will be finished.

Expect the first part in an hour or so. Hope you all enjoy it!

P_13
​

 

Well its about time... I grew a beard waiting for this to be written..

Bring it on sista :H

 

Well, it seems that the new forums mess up the quotations from MS Word. I'm working on a fix, hang on.

 

Kelso Wars
Part IV: A New Dope
A long time ago, on a forum far, far away...

It is a time of civil war, although there is nothing civil about it. The PLOKS
Empire seeks to impose a new order on the forum.
The only thing that stands in its way is the KFC, a ragtag group of Rebels
opposed to the iron fisted methods of Darth Phoenix. Even now, a Corellian
Corvette carrying Princess Mercy to TattyOne is under attack by PLOK forces...

***

The entire starship shook as yet another barrage of laser fire rained down upon
it. Trying to drink his cup of coffee, the Captain of the corvette only succeeded
in getting the entire cup spilled down his uniform.
"Sir, the Imperial Poo Destroyer is closing in on us."
"Scramble all marine teams." The captain ordered, still fumbling with his cup.
"Inform the Princess of the situation. And get someone to get me a new
uniform. If I'm gonna meet Darth Phoenix, the last thing I want is to look like I
pissed my pants..."

***

"Princess?" Princess Mercy picked herself up from the metal floor of the ship and
grabbed her comm unit.
"This is the Princess."
"Ma'am, we're under attack."
"No shit, Sherlock!" the Princess replied through gritted teeth. "Is it the
Empire?"
"Yes ma'am...and..." The Ensign tried to choke back his fear. "It's Darth
Phoenix's command ship!"
The Princess stood in shock, wondering what to do. The plans had to be
delivered to the KFC HQ, or else no-one would be able to resist the imminent
threat that her spies had discovered.
"Ensign, could we transmit the plans via a passive radio wave?"
"No ma'am, it's..." The ship shook once again, and a loud metallic 'clank!'
resonated through the hull. Almost immediately, the Princess' comm unit was
swamped with radio static.
"They've used a jamming device..." She whispered to herself, as she tried to
come up with another plan.

***

"You hear that?" J2Mad0, the protocol droid, whispered to his fellow mechanoid,
the Astromech robot R2Kat86. "They've deployed docking clamps." J2Mad0
paused to assess the situation, coming up with an optimistically hopeful outlook.
"We're doomed."

It was only as J2M0 wallowed in this thought that he looked around and realised
his Astromech friend wasn't around.
"R2?" He called. "Oh, where has that bot got to..."

***

The KFC marines crowded round the docking hatch, ready to begin firing on the
slightest signal. They could hear the fast-working Imperial Stormtroopers on the
other side of the hatch, preparing to force their way in with explosions and fire.
Then, without warning, a huge detonation made the entire corridor shudder. The
Imperial Stormtroopers had ignited the explosives to blow the hatch away.

But the hatch remained tight.

The Stormtroopers tried using their blasters to shoot their way through the
hatch.

But it still remained tightly sealed.

Then Stormtrooper Bob walked up to the hatch and kicked it. The only thing
that broke was Bob's foot.

Finally, Stormtrooper Joe stepped over Bob as he lay on the floor cradling his
foot, and twisted the steel handle.
The hatch opened and Joe walked in.

Too busy wiping his shoes on the 'Welcome' mat to notice the hidden KFC
marines, Stormtrooper Joe became the second casualty of the day.

Immediately, the firefight started. Lasers of all colours darted up and down the
corridors as the Rebel marines and Imperial Troopers fought against each other.

Then, as the Stormtroopers continued firing, a dark shadow appeared behind
them. As each KFC marine saw this and recognised the menacing figure, they
stopped and ducked for cover. But it was too late.

Darth Phoenix pelted every single marine with pooballs, and they fell to the
ground.

As the resulting gas cleared, Phoenix stepped into the Corvette. Looking behind
him, he saw that his Troopers were putting their standard issue clothes pegs
onto their noses and standing ready to march in formation behind him.

***

"Bleep blippity bleep."
"Listen, R2..." the Princess whispered as she cautiously looked about for any of
the Empire's marines coming their way. "...it's vital for the KFC to get this
information. The fate of the galaxy depends on you. Understand?"
"Boop blippity."
"Good. Now off you go..." The Princess watched the little droid trundle slowly
away.

***

"Ahh, there you are Kat86!" J2 began to walk along with the droid. "Where did
you go?"
"Bleep bloop blip!"
"Secret mission?"
"Bip boop bip"
"Orders from the Princess? What are you talking about?"
"Bleep." Replied R2Kat86 as she trundled into an escape pod.
"You're drunk again, aren't you?"
"Beep. Boop bippity bip." Kat86 retorted.
"That's not true!" J2 exclaimed. "That bottle of brake fluid was there for ages!
Umm...what are we doing in an escape pod, anyway? You know I get space
sickness in escape pods."

***

"We have captured the two senior officers as you wished, Darthy." Said the head
Stormtrooper.
"Excellent. And don't call me Darthy. Bring them in!"

The captain of the corvette was marched in by a group of armed guards, with
the Princess following close behind, flanked by two more guards.

"Ahh, Captain. I'm so glad we've met." Phoenix looked at the captains trousers.
"By the way, you've pissed your pants."
"No I haven't!" The Captain replied. "I spilt my space-coffee on 'em."
"That's what they all say. Anyway...where are the plans?"
"The plans?" Chorused the captain and Princess Mercy.
"Don't think I'm fooled. I know you have the plans."
"Ohh, you mean the plans for my new kitchen?" The ship's captain took a sheet
of paper out of his back pocket and unfolded it. "It's quite simple really, the only
problem is fitting the selves..."

Quick as a flash, Darth Phoenix grabbed the captain by the neck and lifted him
off the floor. "I have no time for your petty shelving predicament." Darth hissed.
"Although I must admit, your planned paint colour scheme really is good...pale
beige and orange...very tasteful. Although if I were you, I'd put the cupboards
by the sink so you could do the washing up and easily..."

"Uhh, sir.." The lead Stormtrooper nudged his commander. "...the battlestation
plans?"
"Oh, yeah...umm...where are the plans?" Phoenix tightened his grip on the
Captain's neck.
"I...I don't know what you're..." The captain's face tensed up slightly. "Oh great.
Now I really have pissed myself."
His patience completely lost, Phoenix threw the captain into one of the
bulkheads.
"Uhh...sir..." The lead trooper spoke again. "You really shouldn't kill the
prisoners as much. I mean..."
"Silence." Phoenix ordered. "We still have the Princess to tell us the location of
the plans." He glared at Mercy menacingly. "Prepare the torture droid..."

***

It was another boring day on the planet of Tattyone. A young lad, Fluke
Powerwalker, was tinkering with his landspeeder.

"Oh man, I'm so bored." Fluke sighed to nobody. "I just wish something would
come along and make life more exciting. But...I guess opportunities like that
don't just fall out of the sky..."

Suddenly, Fluke could hear a barely audible whistling sound. The sound began
to get louder and louder, until it filled his ears. Trying to work out what it was,
he looked skyward just in time to see an escape pod rocket out of the sky, hit
the ground a few hundred metres away from him, bounce twice, then skid to a
halt.

Fluke watched as the door of the pod fell open, and two figures clambered out,
arguing with each other. As he watched, Fluke mumbled to himself.

"Aw great, don't tell me Uncle Looie's playin' practical jokes on me again..."

 

Wooohoooo, at last, the final saga revealed, it's made me so excited that I've made this post all sticky....

 

Cheers

Tune in at 7 for the next part

 

did anyone else read sals post as it's made me so excited that ive made myself all sticky?

just me then.. :s

 

hehehe woooo maybe this time fleassy character will get in beofore computer problems or anything conquer it again!!! *giggle*

 

"I told you, Kat86, I told you I get sick in escape pods!"

"Beep blooptyblip!" Kat86 replied angrily, still trying to shake off the oil and grease that J2M0 had regurgitated.



"Anyway, now we're down here, what's this so-called secret mission?"

"Bleep bloop."

"What do you mean you can't tell me because it's a secret? You're going to have to...oh, here comes someone who'll be able to help us..."

Fluke stopped his landspeeder a few yards away from the droids, then jumped out. "You're new around these parts." Fluke commented.

"Yes sir, please allow me to introduce myself. I am J2M0, protocol droid assigned under the command of Captain..."

"Correction..." Fluke Powerwalker interrupted, grabbing his blaster from the speeder's passenger seat and aiming at J2M0. "You're my property now."

"Uhh, sir, if I may be so bold as to..."

"Wait...what's your friend doing?"

"Pardon, sir?"

"The dustbin on wheels...where's it going?"



J2 looked at Kat86, only to realise she had begun to make her way into the desert. "Oh, ignore her. She thinks she's on a secret mission."

"Tell her she can forget the secret mission now. She landed in my back yard, she belongs to me."

"Beep bippity blip blip boop."



Fluke looked at J2. "What did she say?"

"Uhh, well, she said that due to your...umm...due to your parentage and lifestyle..."

"Cut the crap. What did she say?"

"She said that you're an inbred redneck from a backwater planet populated by hicks who couldn't shoot straight to save their lives."

"Hey! Damnit, I don't have to take that from a droid!" Fluke cocked his gun and fired eight shots at Kat86.





And each one of them missed completely.





"Dagnamnit! This gun is...defective...or something..." He threw the gun down onto the sandy desert floor. "well, if you don't want to come back to the ranch with me, fine. Go on this secret so-called mission. I don't care."



"Thank you, sir." replied J2M0.

The two droids began walking into the horizon. Ten seconds later, they heard Fluke running after them.

"Wait for me!" He yelled as he caught up to them.

"What's up?"

"Mind if I tag along? I'm bored."



***



Aboard Darth Phoenix’s command ship, the Imperial Poo Destroyer Ecaf-parc, a discussion between several high-ranking Imperial officers was turning into a slanging match. As usual.



“During the last three weeks, the KFC have become bolder and bolder in their attacks.” Senator Sky Butterfly hissed in angry frustration. “We cannot run the galaxy with these Rebel scum interfering.” The statement was aimed at General General, but he could barely open his mouth to reply before someone else answered for him.


“They won’t be interfering anymore.” Grand Moff Spider had just strolled into the room, making everyone turn around to watch as he made his casual yet elegant entrance. As if he wasn’t late at all, he sat down and, after a nod towards Darth Phoenix, continued. “I’ve just received word from High Command. They have dissolved the Board Of Moderators. The last scraps of the old Republic rule have gone. Now the Empire is in total control of the galaxy.”



“That won’t solve the KFC problem.” Senator Butterfly replied.

Moff Spider smiled. “No it won’t. But this will - free of the restrictions placed on laws by the Board Of Moderators, the Emperor has passed a law allowing a new level of attack to be used in bringing our enemies to justice. We are now allowed to employ any methods required to serve justice.”
General General looked up in shock and surprise. “Does that mean we can continue with the testing of the secret battlestation?” The Grand Moff nodded, and a sly smile curled up in General General’s mouth.



“The Emperor is allowing the use of that monstrosity?” Butterfly’s whispered in horror as she considered the possibility of the Empire’s prototype weapon being put into use. “But...but that station has the power to wipe out entire cities!”

“Where’s your desire to bring these scum to justice now, Senator?” General sneered. “And where have you been living for the last few weeks - with your head in a bag of sand? The Death Poo is far more advanced than it was in the early stages. Our engineers have upgraded its methane cannon with an ultra-powerful ejection nozzle.” The Death Poo’s methane cannon was essentially a huge exhaust that fired clouds of methane then ignited them to destroy anything it was aimed at. Grand Moff Spider had struck upon the idea one night while he was watching Darth Phoenix setting fire to his farts. “The Death Poo is now so powerful, one shot from its weapon can destroy worlds. It is the most powerful weapon in the galaxy.”

“I wouldn’t be so sure of that, General.” Darth Phoenix had remained silent up to now, preferring to let the lower-ranked officers argue among themselves. Now that the arguing had turned to something a little more important to him, he had decided to speak. “Your battlestation is insignificant next to the power of The Farce.”



“Don’t kid me, Darth Phoenix.” Sneered the General, caught up in the moment. “The Farce is nothing more than a pointless, hokey religion meant to fool its believers into thinking they’re superior to others. Nobody but yourself believes in the so-called all powerful Farce anymore, and I’d be surprised if anyone remembers it in five years time, except maybe as a club for sheep shaggers and granny-porn fans...” Suddenly realising he had opened his mouth for too long, the General looked around and noticed everyone was looking back and forth between him and the motionless Phoenix, eyes wide in anticipation. Finally, he sighed and spoke again. “Oops. Well, it’s been good to know you all. Umm...good luck in conquering the galaxy.”
“Thanks.” Replied Phoenix as he raised his hand.



***



Ten seconds later, General General was buried in a huge pile of poo. Grand Moff Spider looked at Senator Butterfly, who was still holding both her nostrils shut to avoid the smell of General General’s fate.

“I guess you could say the General is in deep shit, eh Senator?”

Darth Phoenix turned towards the Grand Moff. “We currently have Princess Mercy of the KFC held captive. Through her, we’re going to discover the location of the secret KFC base - and I believe that the Death Poo will prove its usefulness in destroying that base. Now please join me in an evil laugh....”

 

Ah, this is even funnier than i remember it... shit, I may just have to get pissed to celebrate!!!

Fly...

 

grr sal you edited my post and made me look silly!

 

Hahahahaha, I actually have't touched your post, or even been online since I made this thread sticky, ask Taz! It would say underneath it if I'd edited it. Hahahahaha, I think your own mistakes made you look silly! I presume you meant to say 'made him' sticky rather than 'made me' sticky?

 

I think she needed quote marks...

 

Her pooers are 'wee'k....

 

her poo'ers! hahahahhaha....

 

I'm so confused.. who what where am i?

 

Next part coming up It's my favourite part, too

 

Back on the desert planet of TattyOne, the three friends had been walking for about an hour. Kat86 was leading, chattering to herself in her own language of bleeps and blips. J2M0 was walking beside her, replying to her chattering every so often with phrases like “I’m sure it can’t be that bad” and “I don’t care if you think he’s as dumb as a mule, we’re not deserting him”. Fluke was lagging behind a little, trying to work out where the droids were going.



Suddenly, Kat86 stopped and made a series of loud, panicked beeps. Fluke’s curiosity rose, and he ran to catch up with the droids.

“What’s happening?” he asked.

“Kat86 says she can detect life forms.” Replied J2M0, staring at the horizon trying to catch sight of any hazards.

“Bland people!” Fluke exclaimed as he grabbed his macrobinoculars from his utility belt. “C’mon, let’s take a look.”



***



Fluke gazed through the binoculars at the Blandpeople, natural inhabitants of the sandy desert wastes of TattyOne. How the Blandpeople had survived their many years of isolation in the harsh desert conditions was a mystery to everyone, but they were known to be very dangerous. Years and years of nothing but the same people and the same sandy conditions had completely worn their conversation down to two topics: sand, and their favourite colour. Every outsider who had encountered a Blandperson in close range had been bored to death within minutes.

“Wow...look at that, you can see them discussing the particles of sand...it’s ama...”



Fluke was suddenly interrupted by a Home Counties accent directly behind him. “Hello, old boy, how are you? Sand is fascinating, isn’t it?”

Fluke spun around to find himself face to face with a Blandperson.

“Of course, you know, sandy yellow is one of my favourite colours. The wife and I are thinking of giving the old kitchen a lick of paint, and sandy yellow is one of our first choices.” As the Blandperson spoke, Fluke recoiled in terror then covered his ears as they began to bleed from the intense waffle.

“Arrgh...stop...must...survive!” Fluke rolled around on the sand as the Blandperson continued speaking.

“Oh yes, of course, the only problem with sandy yellow is that it may be a little too bright, a little too intense, so the wife’s going to make some dark purple curtains from an old tablecloth, to try to give the room a little darker tint. Dark purple is her favourite colour. But I often say to her; you don’t see dark purple coloured sand, do you? Unless you put it in some sort of dark purple dye, of course. But that would just be silly. You see, sand...”



Suddenly, a voice resonated from a far sand dune. Stood there was a solitary figure with a tape player.

After years of talking to the same people, the natural urge of every Blandperson was to find another person to engage with their favourite topics, so they naturally began to run towards this mystery person. Then, as they approached, he pressed the ‘play’ button on the tape player. The volume already set to full, music began to blare through the speakers.



Maybellene, why can’t ya be true?

Oh Maybellene, why can’t ya be true?

You been startin’ back doing the things you used to do



Momentarily stunned into non-blandness by the power of rock ‘n’ roll, the Blandpeople started to dance among themselves. Un-noticed by the dancing desert hermits, the figure who had pressed the play button began to move to the sand dune where Fluke was still knocked out, with the two droids trying to revive him.



“Bloop blippity blip-bliip bleep.”
“Yes, Kat86, tipping water onto his face may revive him. But we’re in a desert.”
“Bleep-ping?”

“I doubt that sand would have the same effect as water.”



“Hello there!” The figure called as he clambered up the soft sandy hill. Then he lost his footing and fell backwards, back to the bottom of the hill. The droid duo watched in bemusement as the cursing man got back onto his feet and attempted to climb the dune again. He lost his footing and fell flat on his face halfway up again, sliding back down to the bottom.



“Can I be of any help, sir?” Asked J2M0.

“Fuck off.” Replied the very-pissed-off old man. “I’ll get up this bloody thing even if it kills me. Ooh, I’ve said that before! Hahahaha!!!”



The old man was successful the third time, and knelt beside Fluke to check his condition. “Hmm.” He took a dirty old bottle of rum from a concealed pocket in his cloak.



“Ahh, you’re going to clean his wounds with alcohol, novel idea!” Exclaimed J2M0.

“What the fuck? No!” The old man muttered as he opened the bottle and took a swig from it. He took a few more swigs, put the cap back on and replaced the bottle in the pocket. “Right. Now to wake him up. Nice and gently. Remember, we don’t want him to be exposed to any sort of shock. So...nice and gentle. Here goes.”

The old man slapped Fluke in the face and screamed “Wake the fuck up, y’bastard!!!” into his ear. It didn’t work.

“Hmm.” The old man wiped a drop of rum from his white beard. “Looks like this is gonna be difficult.” He looked over at the still-dancing Blandpeople. “We’ve not got long before the tape stops. We’d better get to my desert hut, we can wake this kid up there.”

 

“Confess!” Phoenix ordered.

“No!” Mercy yelled back.

“Confess!” Phoenix repeated.

“No!” Mercy repeated back.

“Confess!” Phoenix ordered.

“I confess!”
“Not you, Spider!” Phoenix flapped his arms about in frustration before returning to his analytical style. “Hmm...she won’t confess through our normal methods. Grand Moff Spider, it’s time to get to the extreme methods. Bring out the torture droid!!!”



***



“Now will you confess?” Phoenix smirked as Princess Mercy struggled to keep quiet. “Spider, turn the torture droid to level three.”
“Level three?!” Spider exclaimed “That could kill her!”
“She’ll survive.” Phoenix answered dryly. “Turn the damned thing up.”
Spider grudgingly pressed the ‘skip track’ button on the CD player, and the third track of the ‘Music for torture sessions’ started.

“What the...” Mercy tried to pull an arm out of her restraints as the track started.



‘Heey baby! Ohh, ahh! I wanna know...’



“I thought that this song was made illegal in the Musical Revolution of 2319!”
“It was.” Phoenix replied. “But desperate times call for desperate measures.”

Princess Mercy’s attempts to get free of her restraints became even more desperate. She tried to move her foot close enough to the torture droid to kick it, hoping to put it out of action, but it simply moved out of range whenever her foot got close to it.

Phoenix smiled. “Are you ready to confess?”

“No!” Mercy yelled.

“Very well. Spider, bring out our most powerful form of torture. Bring out...the robotic Pete Waterman!!!”

“Noo!” Mercy screamed. “Alright, alright, I confess.”
“Pardon?” Phoenix asked.

“I said I confess!”
“Sorry, I can’t hear you, hang on...” Phoenix turned the volume down on the torture droid then took off his pink fluffy earmuffs. “Okay, what did you say?”

“I confess to being a KFC agent, and I confess to knowing the location of the secret KFC base.” Princess Mercy tried to swallow the lump in her throat as she continued speaking. “It’s on the southern hemisphere of the planet Lyndia. Go towards the Galcom system, turn left at the Talcana asteroid cluster, look out for the Syrise nebula. You can’t miss it.”

“Oh, that’s a coincidence!” Phoenix exclaimed sarcastically. “We’re already heading to the planet Lyndia to destroy a secret rebel base!”
“What...you already knew?!” Phoenix grinned and nodded at the Princess. “Then why did you go to all this just to get the information out of me?”

“Plot progression. Plus, I enjoy it.” Phoenix changed the subject. “Anyway, I’m bored now. I’ll leave you with the robotic Mister Waterman, enjoy your conversation.”

As Princess Mercy tried to wriggle free, the robotic Pete Waterman lurched into the room. “’allo, I’m Pete Waterman!” It said.

“Nooo!!!” Mercy yelled.

“You know, I love those pink earmuffs.” Spider commented, walking out of the room with Darth Phoenix. “They bring out the colour of your helmet.”



***



Back on TattyOne, in an old hut in the middle of nowhere, the old stranger continued to display his generosity.

“Cup of rum?” He asked J2m0.

“No thank you, sir. I am a droid, and droids do not consume alcohol.”

“Suit yerself, but you’re missing out on some fine stuff.” The old man replied before he took a mouthful. Gulping the mouthful down, he spoke again. “This is the stuff that I haven’t recycled yet.”
J2M0 decided not to enquire about the recycling process. Instead, he turned his attention to Fluke. “Sir?” Fluke began to come to. “Sir, I believe he’s coming to!”
“About fucking time.” Came the reply.

“Sir? How are you feeling?”

Fluke looked up at J2M0 with bleary eyes. “Ohh wow, what happened?”
“We were cornered by a Blandperson, sir. You’re lucky to have survived.”
“Yeah, lucky I came around at the right time.” Drawled the old man. “Here, have a cup of rum.”

“What the...wow!” Fluke instantly recognised the old man’s face. “Fly-Gonn Gin!”

“Yeah, what the...” Fly-Gonn looked closer at Fluke in turn. “Ah crap, Fluke Powerwalker! Man, is your uncle still in jail?”

“Yeah, he’s got another two years to go on the Wookie-bumming charge.” Fluke answered. “Wow...Fly-Gonn. I haven’t seen you for years!”
“Ahh well, I had to get the fuck out of town.” Fly-Gonn took a swig from his cracked old cup. “I tell you, it was a bad time there.”
“What happened?” Fluke asked. But Fly-Gonn didn’t reply. He was gazing into his cup of rum. Then he suddenly turned around and pointed at a picture on the wall.

“You see the building in that picture?” Fly-Gonn asked. Fluke nodded. “That’s the school for young victims of the Empire. I built that school with my bare hands! But did they call me Fly-Gonn The School Builder? Nooo!!!”

Fluke considered this quietly, and Fly-Gonn relaxed again. But after ten seconds, Fly-Gonn spoke again.

“You know the well that stands in the middle of the Esra Colony?” Fluke nodded; the Esra colony was one of the most isolated colonies of the desert, the Blandpeople excepted. “I built that well. Single-handedly! I had to dig that well in a week! And I did it, and now the Esra colony depend on that well to survive! But did they call me Fly-Gonn The Well-Digger? Nooo!!!!”

“Wow, sounds like you had a bad time when you...”

“Do you remember the war between Lyrax and Tuftan colonies twenty years back?” Fly-Gonn interrupted, obviously on a roll. Fluke nodded; although he was too young to have seen it first hand, he had heard stories of the bloody battles that had erupted between the two colonies. “I settled that dispute.” Fly-Gonn swigged from his rum cup again. “I brought the leaders together. I sat with them for hours as they bickered over pointless statistics. I formed the first few bonds between the two colonies! I slowly brought those two colonies together, and it was the hardest thing I’ve ever done! But did they call me Fly-Gonn The Peace Maker? Noo!!!”

Fluke could feel that Fly-Gonn hadn’t finished. He waited. And waited. Ten seconds passed. Twenty. Finally, Fly-Gonn continued.


“But you fuck one sheep...”

 

Back in space, the Death Poo was having trouble making its way to the secret rebel base's location.
"Where have we stopped?" Phoenix hissed, leant over the bridge officer's console.
"Sir, we have stopped under orders of Grand Moff Spider."
Phoenix turned to face Spider, who was sat in the command seat. "Grand Moff, what is the reason for this sudden halt in our plans?"
Spider hastily covered the speaker of his space-phone "Hungry." He stated, before continuing his phone conversation. "Hello, Burger Emperor? Yeah, I'd like a double ch..."

Bored, Phoenix ignored Spider and turned back to the bridge officer, hoping to at least find out where they were.
"How far are we from our destination, Ensign?"
"Sir, we are currently two hours away." A pause. "We're entering orbit of the closest planet while the takeaway arrives for Grand Moff Spider, sir."
"Oh, really. And tell me, what is the name of the planet?"
"Tattyone, sir. We ended up in the orbit of the same planet while we were capturing the Princess and her crew."

Phoenix suddenly thought of a way to alleviate his boredom. "D'you fancy blowing something up, Ensign?"



***



"Fluke..." Fly-Gonn whispered. Fluke looked over to the old man, who had sat quietly in his chair since the rant that had lasted a good ten minutes. "Fluke, there's something I want you to have." Fly-Gonn stood up and walked to a chest, opening it and rummaging through the contents. "It belonged to your father."
"You knew my father?" Fluke asked.
"yes." The old man replied. "He was a good friend, and a great warrior. When he was sober, that is." Fly-Gonn handed Fluke a cylindrical object. "This is your father's lightsabre!"
"Wow!" Fluke activated it, but nothing happened. Then it began to buzz and vibrate in his hands. "Uhh..." He flicked another switch, which just made the end of the object twist around.
"Fuck, wrong object!" Fly-Gonn snatched the object back and threw it over his shoulder. Rummaging again, he finally found the right thing. "There ya go."

Fluke looked at the lightsabre hilt, still shining silver despite its years in storage. "It's amazing." He flicked the activation switch, and the blade sprung into life. His face immediately fell. "What the hell?"
"What's wrong?"
"The blade is fucking pink!"
"Ahh yea, we swapped his emitter matrix for one that created a pink blade, then wired it so he couldn't replace it. Man, we pissed ourselves at that one!"

Fluke shut down the blade. "Why did you want to give me the lightsabre now?"
"I dunno." Fly-Gonn shrugged. "I kept on mistaking it for a hair curler. I'm not naturally thin-haired, you know."

"Bleep...bloop...blip-blip!"
"86?" J2 looked at his mechanoid friend in confusion. "What do you mean?"
"What's she saying?2 Asked Fluke.
"She's talking about the so-called secret mission again."
"Aw man, just shut her off and..."
Suddenly, Kat86's holo-matrix shone to life, and began projecting an image.

"This is Princess Mercy of the KFC...my ship has fallen into PLOKS hands. I enclose the blueprints of the secret PLOKS battlestation in the memory banks of this droid - get it to the KFC secret base at all costs. I do not know who will receive this message, but whoever it is, I hope they will be able to carry out this mission successfully."

The image fizzled out, leaving Fluke and Fly-Gonn staring at empty space.

"Wow...what was that?" Fluke asked, dazzled.
"I don't have a clue." Replied Fly-Gonn. "But that Princess chick was HOT! Man, where was she when I decided to live in the desert?"
"I dunno, but what's all that crap about a secret battlestation?" Asked Fluke.
"I don't have a clue." Fly-Gonn repeated. "But maybe she's on board there. I wonder where that battlestation is right now..."

Once again, Kat86 began a flurry of panicked beeps. J2 looked out of the window and whispered.
"Uh oh." He turned to the two humans. "Sirs, I believe Kat knows where that battlestation is."
"Really?" Fluke replied. "Where?!"
"Out there." J2M0 pointed to the huge pooball in the sky...