why are men like this?

Why is it that when men get stressed out about something instead of telling you what it is they act like complete assholes? My man has been like this for about two weeks now. He suffers from major depression and I've been with him for 5 years so I guess I am used to it but it still hurts me. He snaps at me and isn't affectionate with me when he is like this. When he acts like this it makes ME depressed and then I end up taking more pills than I should simply so I can go to sleep, zone out, and not have to be stressed.

 

i am the same way from time to time. i really cant say why it happens, cause i have no idea. but he sounds a lot like me. when im going through some shit in my head, i find it better that i figure things out on my own. this way when things go sour, ill only have my self to thank or blame for whatever happens. it might also be a case of pride. he may feel like he is your protector, and doesnt want you to be worrying about anything. so he sucks it up keeps it to himself and thinks you dont have to worry about anything. he probably doesnt realize how much this bothers you no matter how many times you say it (which im sure you have!) try not to worry if he wont tell you right away give him some time then talk to him again. the more you ask about it the more he willkeep it away. this is how i am i dont like worrying other people with my problems. i could keep goin on and on, but i would end up repeating myself but saying it in different ways. by any chance is he a "LEO"????

 

tell him to grow up. Only children and fools lash out like that when they are angry and wont tell you whats the matter.
needing your space is one thing, but acting like an asshole is another.

If my husband or i pulled that shit on each other, there would be hell to pay

 

First off, it's not just men that act that way. Second, it's unfair to say that he is acting foolish and childish. He has a problem. Depression is such a heavy thing to deal with. Maybe he needs to go back to the doctor and get some increased or different medication.

Talk with him when he's in a good mood. Try to sympathize with him. Tell him how he makes you feel without insulting him and maybe it will encourage him to either keep it to himself and deal with it, or at the very least not take it out on you.

 

A lot of womyn act like this, too. This behavior isn't just confined to men. You and your man need to talk, or even get some counseling. If he's depressed, it isn't good for any of you. And YOU can't fix him yourself.

Please, even if HE won't go to therapy, therapy will actually help YOU even if you go alone. Been there, done that. It works.

 

yeah... that sounds like behaviour I've been guilty of (not to partners, but to other important people in my life). Try sitting him down and talking to him about it when he isn't quite so snappy, let him know that it hurts you when he does that, and that his lashing out from depression and stress makes -you- depressed.

 

I don't know you but I'm listening to the wording of your post and making a guess. You said that he suffers from depression so by this I can say you know what's the problem. My guess is that you are fed up with the situation and feel if he gives a specific reason than you can solve the problem and help him to recover. (Or in the selfish 21 century tell him to get over it) You're worried about him yet you want attention and are mad that he's sucking it up and not giving any in return. Here is what you do. The two of you go out for a car ride and relax for awhile. If by chance he starts snapping at you then you turn the radio loud. This will help him to realize how loud he is and cause him to vent his problem or to ask you yours. (If he asks you your then you let him have it with both barrels about how you feel and tell him to share with you his feelings or to keep his snipping to himself.) This is advice and it will work but I can't promise you that it's good.

 

While it is not only men who do this......reality is a lot of men do so because of patterning. It is slowly changing but still men are taught from childhood that they should bear the brunt of life for family.

How many times even today do you hear people say to a boy child that they should not cry but take it like a man......and you wonder why we raise boys to repress feelings and to internalize emotion.

As I said it is changing but that takes time and the permission to cry rant or share must not be taken from boys as they grow.

I hope if you can not get past this and communicate that you and he get some help to learn how to do it together.

Wishing you open communication and a voice but also ears that can simply listen and hear.

Take care

 

my guess would be that it's because for many men one of the largest causes/sources of stress in life is his spouse. of course, it's prolly the same for women. my only point is that maybe he's afraid that he can't come to you with some problems because (as he perceives it) you will not relieve his stress but only add to it.

of course it's also possible that he feels inadequate somehow and cannot face you with his problem because you might find out that he's not really Prince Valiant.

or maybe there is some other reason. it all amounts to one thing: unconscious behaviour; and we all fall prey to it all too frequently.

I have been having extraordinary results from my consistent efforts along the lines of work as described by Dr. Joseph Murphy as described in his books; "The Power of the Subconscious Mind" and "Telepsychics."

I know that these books will help everyone who sincerely applies these priciples! It is Sacred Law.

Namaste'

 

i can relate to this, even though i'm not a guy. whenever i would cry when i was a little kid, i got yelled at. that response probably tells kids (at least in part) not to get sad, get angry instead. so all things considered i'm not very emotionally expressive, and i act like things are decent, and then i'll blow up or express it inappropriately. i figure, it's my problem, i'll handle it. sometimes it's uncomfortable when people get too emotional around me. i just don't know how to deal with that, and wow i hate when i make people cry. so to the original poster, be patient with your boyfriend. i'm sure it's awful to deal with at times, but i bet he appriciates your support, and that probably makes things a lot easier on him. when you talk to him about the issues you're having, try not to put the blame on him, 'cause that will make him feel defensive. be calm and understanding, and if he gets upset, don't take it personally. there's a book you might appriciate, 'i dont want to talk about it: overcoming the secret legacy of male depression.' and of course, after all of this i've gotta mention that crankyness is one thing, but if his anger is real extreme, and he's threatening you or hurts you, then you should end the relationship. obvious, yes, but i figure it's worth mentioning.

 

He would never do anything like that! I found out what is wrong. See my next post.

 

Ok so he finally told me what's bugging him, and sadly it's kind of my fault...


Basically, like many people with depression he doesn't handle stress well. Anyways, he finally told me that my dependence on pills is stressing him out and upsetting. He cried, which made me cry. I wish he would understand that I don't want to be like this, but all doctors do when you have chronic pain is give you painpills. He says that he understands that I need them, but that he is afraid that we will never have kids if I don't get off of them.

Why couldn't he just tell me that?!?

 

Well, with my depression, I don't handle stress well. But I almost never lash out at anyone. I just become sort of... reclusive I suppose. I guess I lash out in my art or something.
But, in my experience, it does seem like people lash out a lot... I'm just afraid of people. But as far as your situation goes, I hope that you're able to work through things.

 

I am glad you guys talked it out. Let him know that he should come to you first thing with his worries and fears like that. Keep the lines of communication open, and you will avoid situations like this in the future. Holding your problems inside is not only bad for you, but for the relationship. It seems like you guys are on the right path, though. Good luck!

And about the pain pills - I have been there myself, I have had major issues with chronic pain. I eventually completely stopped taking perscription pain pills - and have found that I feel better. (Of course, I have had some complicated health issues - and one that was solved - so that helped me). Don't allow yourself to be dependant on pain pills, find another doctor if you have to, but move out of this limbo you are in. Get better, don't just cover it up!

 

Hi everyone, I'm new here......I'm relating to this post.....my "husband" never got me anything for my birthday.....don't get me wrong, that's okay, I can handle that, but not even a card??? then later on in the day told me he's sick of me and doesn't want to be around me.....I am bipolar, but I take good care of myself and try to keep a handle on everything, but sometimes situations can be too much to handle........I talked to him and told him that I've been fighting depression for 2 weeks, now.......he has things going on and I have tried to get him to go to the guidance clinic, but he refuses.........now he tells me that he is submitting himself to God no matter what the cost, even me........I work for a non-profit organization and we cater to people with serious mental illness and addiction problems, we focus on recovery........I have been promoted twice within a year and have been there for 2 years......he had back surgery a couple of years ago and has back pain, so finding work that won't aggravate it has been hard for him, but he HAS found some things that he's good at, so he quits and I am left holding the bag.........I understand the problem, BUT..........I think you know where I'm going with this...............I smoke cannabis, I use it as medicine and I don't go crazy when I'm out of it or anything...........he is suddenly against it, and has become really extreme..........I can't put up my Tibetan prayer flags because they aren't of God, things like this.......no violence...........I am doing well and I try to support him so he can do something .......but I can't do it all, all the time and it's not fair..........he's a recovering alcoholic, sober for 3 years, we have been together for 5.....
I don't know..........I'm just saying, do what you gotta do, man........I'm hurt and angry and I feel that he is using me as a scapegoat for other things going on in his head.............. I'm sorry to ramble and pour my guts out like this, I just needed to vent someplace safe and this feels safe here.
I have always wanted to go back to live in Arcata, that was our goal, together........now he doesn't want that, he wants to go to Spokane......I want my beach and redwoods, it's good for my whole spirit........I felt so at peace there, even when things were kinda bad for us!!!
so , wow, I said more than I was going to......just wanted to let you know that I SO relate to what you said......

 

John & I have been friends (or so I thought) for over 7 years...he has never gotten me a card or gift on my birthday or on any other occasion. He can never remember when my birthday is even when I write it on the calendar. But he can always remember his daughter's moms birthday with a card & phone call.
I moved back to AZ to help him out in time of need (3rd time I''ve lived in his house). His ex-gf still has more privliages when she comes to visit then I do.

http://www.hipforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=101423

 

My ex boyfriend was like this. He would get so angry at me and himself he would stab himself in his arms.... I have been the to emergency room with him more times then I would like to. It would get so bad he would lash out and me and I would have to defend myself. All I can say is you love him but you need to take care of youself first, hard to comprehend but it is true.

We broke up and it was the best thing for me and for him. Don't let things get bad before they get worse. I trully hope things get better for you. No one likes to feel depressed.

 

Love... can't even think of 3 good reasons why I even liked him enough to stick around this long. I'm headed to a pawn shop to get money & get out of here and I won't be returning for anymore of his scream fests or bullcrap.

 

I dated a guy for about a year who would get so angry or upset about something...and instead of telling me, he'd just act all butthurt all day long and I would beg and beg for him to tell me what was wrong, but still NOTHING. I think he just wanted attention... he wanted me to ask "What's wrong?" every 5 minutes, and I fed into his plan quite nicely. But once I caught on that this was what he was doing, I stopped acting concerned, and he got worse. It was really embarrassing when we were around friends and he was acting thsi way. That's a big part of the reason why I broke up with him. That shit's annoying!!

 

Yeah, it sounds like you're unhappy and you need to get away. I love your sig pic, btw.