Name changing

OK, im only writing this because the situation has me really annoyed at the moment.

When i got married, i kept my last name and ever since this has been a huge issue between my in-laws and myself. My husband really has no opinion in the matter. (he actually though it was cool that i kept my last name, which im proud of)

My inlaws constantly get on my case and say im insulting their son by refusing his name. Ive been married to him 3 years now, you would think they would drop this by now, but no. Now that we are talking about having kids, the battle has stepped up in intensity. Before we were married, my husband and i agreed that when we had kids they would have both our last names. Now the inlaws are pressuring my husband to go back on his word and insist that the kids only have his name. Now, im angry with him as well as his parents.

Where on earth did this tradition come from anyway? how many other women out there have kept their maiden names?

 

*hugs* hope everything works out for you.

Not really sure where it comes from.

I am sure as heck going to keep my maiden name, will have changed everything else [long story] and want that last link to my family and past.

 

Your in-laws got to make the decisions in their relationship with eachother, and you and your husband are free to that as well. Tell them to butt-out if you can't seem to reason with them. Let them know if they had another kid they could name it whatever they wanted without critcism from you, and that you deserve the same from them.

 

I kept my name when I married the first time, and my son has both names, hyphenated. With my name last. My daughter, (who has a different father), carries my name only. Her name would have been hyphenated, but her father accused me of lying and sleeping with someone else right before her birth. I was pissed off, so she only has my name. (And he was offended at this. Dumbass should not have done that, then).
I'm about to get married again, but I'm keeping my name. Everyone is fine with these choices and I am glad of that, but even if somebody objected, I would tell them to stuff it. Your inlaws need to mind their own business. I am sorry they are such trouble for you. Perhaps your husband needs to say something to them?

 

It sounds right to me. In days of old (in many places, including the USA, into the 20th century) married womyn couldn't own property. They could get it from their dad (if there was no brothers, usually) but it went to their husbands as soon as they got married, and became his property. Widows could own property, inherited from their husbands, but the oldest son usually got a larger share than the mother (anyone read Sense and Sensibility?) Her taking his name would assure that she would get something when he died.

Adeela, both marraige and having children are rites of adulthood. Your inlaws have no more say in the matter than in what you choose to wear or what car you drive. You are an adult. Make them understand it by NOT arguing about it. Say, "We've already decided, this subject is no longer up for debate. Continuing to try to discuss it will cause us to terminate the visit and not plan an other one until you agree to not bring up this subject." Believe me, if they are this bad about this, and you don't lay down the law now, you will have one hell of a time when you have kids. Theywill think that they have a right to tell you how to raise the kids, and probably not leave you alone in any of your parental decisions. Put your foot down now. Simply refuse to discuss it, leave if they won't stop, and let them know you will be happy to see them again when the subject will no longer be brought up.

I had to do this with my inlaws when it came to feeding my children. They "don't beleive" in allergies and think breastfeeding beyond a few months is silly. Not their choice. Of course, when you do put your foot down about child raising issues one of the things you must do is to NOT use them for "free" babysitting. They will try to circumvent any decisions you make at any opportunity. (There is no such thing as a "free babysitter" especially not with inlaws you disagree with.)

Make it clear with them now, or you will be dealing with ONE issue after an other with them as long as they are alive.

It is YOUR decision, not thiers. End of story. Let them know this.

Good luck.

 

Legally, as soon as you turn 18 you can change your first and last name to anything you want. I changed my last name. More on this later...

 

Honestly, I would be upset with the hubby for allowing his family to treat you this way. They are HIS parents, he should be the one to stand up and tell them to butt out. I would be deeply offended if my bf refused to support me in this type of situation. Saying he has no opinion in the matter is a cop-out, especially if you two discussed this before hand and he agreed with you.

However, the fact that he is being such a wuss to his family now suggests that maybe he kinda wished you would take his name but didn't want to take a strong stand, or that maybe he would really prefer that the kids take just his name but he would rather let his family press the issue instead of doing it himself.

I would suggest having an open, honest discussion with him about the issue -- both how you feel about the in-laws pressuring you and how you feel about his lack of support for you in dealing with them.

 

I just wanna agree with everyone else here!

Sorry they're being like this (and that the hubby seems to be sort of giving in).

We didn't have this battle because I happilly took my husband's name, but I'm pretty sure there may be SOMETHING to come up down the road!

But it's completely you and your husband's decision with your children, and YOURS with your own name. But I agree with dawn_sky that it sounds like your husband may have actually been reluctant about your decision in the first place, and that this merits a nice talk about it all.

Hope you get it all worked out!

 

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My sweety and I kept our names when we married. Our kids got her last name.My mom is a little uncomfortable with that,but she knows that she won't change my mind.At least my first teo in my first marriage have my last name,and she has lots of other grandkids to carry her husbands (my dad's) name on.

This falls into the same category of all the million and one things that extended family will try to pressure you into.Make up your mind and stick to it.Demand respect.It part of being an adult.

 

I did not change my name when we got married. I have a daughter with my last name and my husband has a son with his last name. If we have any more children (not likely), they would have his name. We have decided that because he is an only child and an only grandson with an unusual last name. There are tons of folks with my last name. I figure we have all the bases covered.
You just have to stand your ground. Make certain that your husband knows your position and his. He needs to stand up to his parents as well. Like someone else said, you are adults. What you name your children is not their choice.

 

you're in-laws are acting like a pair of psychos, i think, and your husband is being weak and disrespectful in allowing it. perhaps he has some deep seated issues about this, too, and just isn't owning up to them. after all, these ARE the people who raised him. he was bound to pick up their beliefs, even if on some surface level he fights them..
i did take my husband's name when i married, i liked the traditional act of it, the leaving of my family to become his, and our children will share the same names as both their parents. my stepson developed some insecurities over not sharing a name with his mother, stepfather and little brother. hard enough his parent's marriage didn't work out. i didn't want that to come up with my children, not that it necessarily will, but since it didn't matter to me, why risk it? i'm not chattel and i know it.

but as for his parents, jeez. i wouldn't even begin to know what to do with them. i certainly wouldn't want them around my child, badmouthing me and giving my child the impression that i don't love their father enough or crap like that. what horrible bullshit. if they can't be civil, they can't be around my child.

 

I really wish my mom hadn't changed her last name, I love her maiden name, but it makes sense because at the time my parents married, my mom hadn't spoken to my grandfather in years. In fact, he didn't attend her wedding nor did he speak to her for 7 years after that until I was born.

I'll almost definatly change my last name when I marry, but keep my maiden name as a professional name. I'm not close to my parents and don't wish to be fully tied to them and their name forever. The only problem is that if I do end up marrying my boyfriend (which I see as very possible... we both come from families started by high school sweethearts) his last name is Petersen, which sounds bad with my first name of Allison. So in that case, maybe I'll just make up my own last name. He's even suggested taking my last name, although I won't let him.

It's definatly a very personal thing. There are all kinds of reasons for why or why not you change or keep the name that you have. No one else can do that for you.

 

Good Heavens, I'm very anachronistic and have antiquated views on almost every part of life, but I'm not like them! Of course I'm going to keep me very Biblical last name. There are a million Jessicas out there, but I haven't met too many people with my last name. It's no ultra unique like Pankratz or Dostoevsky, but it's not common like Smith or Williams, either. I like my family heritage. I like to be reminded of my grandpa and his parents and siblings riding out to California in the '30s just like in "The Grapes of Wrath" (complete with a guitar-playing preacher and a jalopy car!). Anyways, I'm getting off track.

I bet they'd be thinking differently if you were to demand that your husband spit on all of his family history by taking your last name.

 

Ah well, if you guys want some more crazy inlaw stories, i have them in spades. Once when we were staying in AZ with his mother, i was taking a bath and all of the sudden my husband walked in. I said,"is something the matter?" because he had an odd look on his face. As it turns out, his mom had demanded that he get in the tub with me and "make some grandbabies". He finally got so sick of her pestering him, he came to the bathroom to get away from her. he sat on the floor and read a book.

About 2 minutes later, my mother in law waltzed into the bathroom with a tray of cheese and wine and started bitching at my husband for not being in the tub.
this is the woman who is trying to sue her brother for trying to put her in a looney bin.

 

Yikes...I have some crazy mother-in-law stories myself. Last year when my husband tore his ACL she insisted on going to every doctor's appointment with us, and the ones we didn't let her go to she would call up the doctor afterward and try to find out everything she could. She wouldn't let him go anywhere for treatment but to the doctor's she approved. She called our house like 30 times a day and stopped by like 2-3 times a day without giving us any notice. My husband finally had to tell her that her constant attention isn't giving him the time he needs to relax and get better - so that cut her phone calls down by about half (We would've taken anything we can get at that point...)

 

Adeela, this womyn is NUTS!!!! Stay as far away as possible. My suggestion would be to move far away when you decide to have kids, or she will attempt to raise YOUR kids according to her whims. And you don't want someone this inappropirate getting near your kids. Get a good answering machine, and screen your calls. How did your dh survive in a home run by this womyn? Did you have any inkling when you were dating?

Before I got married my father told me "you don't marry one person, you marry the entire family." And I didn't beleive him. But he was right.

You need to lay down STRONG boundries NOW. Maybe you and your dh seeing a marraige counselor would be a good way to help you two make a life for yourselves. It looks like he may have some hard times breaking away from her. It it him and you now. Not him, you and his mama. She sounds worse than Raymond's Mother on Everybody Loves Raymond. DO NOT move in anywhere near them, even if it does save you money. You and your dh NEED to set boundries.

Good luck.

Sera, how could your MIL "not allow him" to go to any doctor but the one she approved? Also, it is against the law for doctor's to give medical information to anyone but the patient. Hon, you need to start screening your calls, too.

 

About the changing of the last names: Traditionally, when a woman married, she quite literally married into their husband's family. In a lot of places, the whole family lived in one house or area. When the woman got married, she would move in with his family, and helped take care of his family. In the middle ages, a lot of girls knew as early as 6 years old who she was going to marry, and would move in with his family and would be taught by her future mother-in-law how to be a "good wife" from very early on. That's probably where that came from.

They kept the name changing thing for some odd reason. I never really got it. But the wife keeping her last name is a relitivly new thing. Unless the woman was an actress or something, she usually changed her last name when she got married, and that was really the expected thing until the 70s or 80s. It still is kind of the expected thing, I suppose. But I know a lot of people my age who have two last names from both parents keeping their names.