Content with life when it hasn't began...

Have you ever been riding along on the high-way in a car, observing the scenery. You're so relaxed right then, you just think to yourself, "Man, if I were to die right now, it would be a perfect end." That kind of content feeling with your life as it stands strikes, and death doesn't hold the same disdain it did once.

I've felt that way a lot lately, in several situation. I'm 16, have my GED, and I'm about to attend a private technical institute. I basically have my entire life set ahead of me, but I don't want to live it. It's not as if I dislike life... It's more that I don't want to think about changing.

Seven years ago, hell, even four years ago, I was not the same person I am today. Two years later, I will probably not be the same person I am now. Of course, change comes with every year that goes by in your life, but it's to the extent of it that I'm afraid of. As we speak, I don't remember what I was like at ten, eleven, or even twelve. I don't know what convictions I held then, or why I held them. It's as if everything that I thought and did at that point, has disappeared due to insignificance.

I don't want to wind up nineteen or twenty, stressing out wondering how I'm going to pay off my student loans, and all the other financial woes I will face. However, I already know that I will. It's a weird and eerie feeling to know that in just a couple years, some of my strongest beliefs that I hold now, will probably not make a lick of difference to what I will care about then.

Just a few months ago, I wouldn't have admited that I am probably going to change, and now I dredd the inevability of it. I know that in just a few short years, who I am now, will be gone. The thought of seventy or eighty years of of life, and changing so much, that not one aspect of myself stays true.

I forsee myself when I'm thirty, looking back and reflecting on me thinking about this. I mean, I think we all have points in our life, when we look back at the person we use to be, and we say, "Wow, how did I ever maintain something like that." I remember myself when I was younger, and now when I look back, I realize a lot that I didn't then. I was stupid, and only thought I had it figured out, but I was wrong; it's dishearening knowing that fifteen years from now, I will think the same thing about all of my beliefs now.

It almost reaffirms that old addage, whoever said it first I don't know, that nothing matters. We grow up, and we die. In that time, we change; we can be several different people in the span of a life-time. Just what parts of me will hold strong and be there later? What kind of attributes can I expect to pick up? When I was seven and eight, I had the shortest fuse imaginable, a year ago I was so laid back nothing could get at me, and already I feel it changing. Am I going to be a hot-head, will I be reasonable...


I believe now, that life's meaning is contained only in one's own mind. I've spent my entire life taking things in, reflecting on them, and adding to my conclussion on life. All that I know, that I've experienced, all of what my life has been that I can reflect on, is in my own head. I guess in a way, you can describe it as ego... In the coming years, what I contain in my ego now, could be totally different, and it really leaves nothing for certain, and makes nothing credible. It's just like at age two you're positively convinced that Santa is real, and then maybe a few years later you know better.

When I think about all this, I get a sense, that death doesn't really matter. In the span of a life-time, I will already have been possibly hundreds of different people. Of course, it doesn't stand true when I think about the plans I have set for myself in the future; you know, I look forward to having my own house, being out on my own, that kind of thing. However, at times I feel... indifferent towards whether my life goes on, or whether it ends. If my "legacy" is to end right now, then it means just that, it's over.


I want to stress that I'm not saying I want to die. It's just a feeling of complacency when I think about death now, and I don't know if I should feel like that when I'm this young. I have my whole life ahead of me, and all I can think about is how convenient and easier it would be if it ended now, instead of years later. At the same time, though, there's duality in the knowledge that if someone were to put a gun to my head, I would probably not want it to end, and that I would look forward to all the life-experiences I havn't had yet. Being a father, stressing over bills, being a grandfather, being old... It's almost like when it's Winter and you want it to be Summer, and when it's Summer and you want it to be Winter. At this mind-set, I don't want to live the rest of my life; but if I knew death was imminent, would I feel differently? And why is that balance of Spring and Fall, or just living the life not so easy to achieve?


I just wanted to get these thoughts written down.

 

You my dear, are in.