All right, ready, New Rule: Rejected "American Idol" contestant, Constantine Maroulis must be destroyed. Because he kept trying to f*** me through my television set. I don't know why you singled me out, Constantine Maroulis, but I didn't fall for it. Sure, you may have the smoky, sexy voice of a rock-and-roll bad boy, the lean stature of a Greek god and a sultry gaze that makes my loins stir, but that doesn't make me gay! New Rule: Jesus is not a candle. A company in South Dakota is selling candles with the scent of Jesus. You light one and your friends say, "Christ, what's that smell?!" It's true. The formula comes straight out of the Bible. It's from the little-known letter of Paul to the Aromatherapists. But if Jesus had smelled so great, how come everybody was always offering to wash his feet? New Rule: Let the two best-looking people in the world f*** each other. We all knew they'd end up together. We've been to high school. He was just waiting for her to shed that "Billy Bob" smell. Of all the things we said, that went too far. New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it — his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis. And finally, New Rule: Republicans need anger management. You know, I talk to young people all the time, and over and over again, they have the same complaint: that I'm out of Schnapps. But their other big gripe is that there's really no difference between the two parties. Not true. The Republicans are much more pissed off. Look at John Bolton, if you can. Now, I don't know if this man has human relationship issues, but I do know two things. One, his hair is not speaking to his mustache. And, two, the Republicans actually like the idea of our most sensitive diplomatic post being helmed by a raging psychopath. Asking John Bolton to represent you at the U.N. is like asking R. Kelly to chaperone the Miss Teen USA Pageant. You know someone's going to get pissed. Now, like Mr. Bolton, what Republicans need is to find a channel for their anger. And I mean a channel besides Fox News. In the last ten years, they've taken the White House, the Congress, the courts and what's left of Zell Miller's mind. And it's just made them madder. Therefore, tonight, as a solution, I would like to suggest that, as a national policy, we encourage the re-establishment of the old Soviet Union. Now, sure, it was an evil empire, but at least it kept the Republicans busy! Who has time for gay marriage or activist judges or brain-dead bulimics when you've got a real boogeyman to freak out about? The problem with American politics today is that one party has the monopoly on all the anger. To be a Republican is to walk around all day madder than Paula Abdul with a fistful of Vicodin and nothing to wash it down with. And to be a Democrat means...I don't know. Your guess is as good as mine. It seems like ever since Michael Dukakis was asked how he'd feel if his wife got raped, and he said, "Whatever," the Democrats have been the party that speaks softly and carries Massachusetts. When Dick Cheney says, "Go f*** yourself," they say, "How hard?" In the last election, George Bush called John Kerry "a coward, a liar, a wimp, a flip- flopper and a war criminal." And Kerry got so incensed, he almost fell off his windsurfer. It's bad when the person in your party with the biggest balls is named Teresa. So, Democrats would do well to remember this: Anger can be good. Anger can be cleansing. Anger can be a force for change. Anger is what made America what it is in the world today: a hulking pariah whose only friends are toadies and sheiks.
