Never say never

It just goes to show you, sometimes people can really change.

To those of you who know my current situation, you don't need to hear it again.

For those of you who don't let me sum it up quickly. My boyfriend acted like he never cared about me or the relationship. He told me he wanted a break after living together for 2 1/2 years. We never went through with it until I finally said, "ok. I've put as much as I can into this relationship right now". So we decided to take a break. I slept with a girl, that, when Erik and I were together, he said it was ok. All of a sudden I'm single, and we get down and have fun, and he flips out. I didn't know I was going to hurt him, especially when he encouraged it all the time. He comes to terms with the fact that he can't hold me totally responsible, because of the things he said.

Last night, just because I say I want to meet up an hour later than planned, he breaks down. He gets angry.

He held me down by sitting on my chest and waved a dirty steak knife from the sink in front of me. He said he was going to cut himself and make me watch how much I hurt him. He said that he was going to make the blood drip down my face like the tears I caused him. I tried so hard to stop him from cutting himself. I put up a decent fight. Decent enough so that he couldn't and had to pick me up by my shoulders, and threw me into the side bar and the pull out couch. I ran and hid in a tiny corner between the bathtub and wall, where he couldn't reach.

I have always felt sorry for girls who have expereinced battery, but in one part of my mind, I think "can't you see this coming? aren't you strong enough to not let some loser like that even near you?"

I am embarrassed. I am safe, though. I have many friends who support me, who rescued me, and are latting me stay until he moves out of the house. So I am safe. But I feel dumb. I thought, maybe, it was just the hurt of us taking a break (that he wanted) and the crazy depression he had would pass. Then I thought he just had to forgive and get over what I did. He said he could understand why I thought it was ok. He orginally said so. He admits this.

But something inside of him snapped.

I'll never go back. I'll never even consider taking him back. My heart hurts so bad I could explode, but I am doing very well at keeping calm and talking myself through it. I never thought it would end this way.

I understand that it was my fault for hurting him, but I never thought anything I was doing was hurtful. I thought it was what he asked for, what he said was ok. I don't tell people one thing and expect them to believe another. I say what I want or don't want. Mind games, being passive aggressive, ect gets you no where. People aren't mind readers. I didn't know he would hurt so bad.

But no matter what I did, he snapped and he beat me. Hard. And now it's over. There's no excuse.

All I ask is for support that I am doing the right thing by not considering this a "one time thing" and take him back, even though my heart so desperately wants to. Or someone who has been there, what do you think?

I love you all.

Delilah

 

Stay strong sweeite. If he did this to you once it's so much easier for him to do it again. I went through it and wouldn't wish it on ANYONE. Please just accept the help of your friends to get you through this.

 

what a fucking psycho...get rid of him and never talk to him again!

 

Sweetie, I am so very, very sorry to hear what happened. I myself have never been in a situation such as that, so I really can't offer you any advice, but I wanted to offer you my love and support.

People get angry, and things happen, but he should have never beaten you, and he is obviously emotionally unstable right now. Will it happen again? One can never tell, but the possibilty is there. If he's snapped once like that, he could do it again, and the next time it could be even worse.

Please take care of yourself.

Many hugs, peace, and healing...

 

I'm not living my life in fear. I'm not going back. It hurts so bad I can barely breathe. THis isn't what I wanted.

But I deserve more.

 

You are doing the right thing. As hard as it is, as as much as it hurts, you are protecting yourself. I know in your heart you probably still love him. You've spent the last 2.5 years of your life with him, and gave him your heart. It's not easy to let go, even when you know it's the right thing to do.

You deserve much better, no man should ever be hitting you.

{{{HUGS}}}

 

on the "bright side" at least all of this happened after you made arrangements for him to move out and the breakup had already happened, otherwise the situation might have been a bit harder to deal with. not that it makes things any better, though. i'm so sorry this happened to you.

this might sound obvious, but change your locks. even if he gave you the key back, he might have another copy of it. just a thought, in case something triggers another spurt of rage and he tries to break in or something. maybe not even to hurt you, but just to scare you or something. if you're in an apartment, you might be able to get an alarm system for cheap, as some are already wired for it. if you don't have a deadbolt on your door, you could install one. and if you live on the first floor, you could secure your windows so they cannot be slid open from the outside. this is also an excellent excuse to get that puppy you've been secretly wanting (because everyone wants a puppy). doing all of that sounds kinda extreme, but you know his temperment better than anyone... so i guess thats just something to think about, in case you think he will snap again, or get real krunked and try to break in to scare you, etc.

anyway, you definitely have my support in not taking him back. your strength has earned my respect. i'd question what your "heart so desparately wants"... from your posts it sounds like your heart wants love, trust, respect, care, recongnition, positive energy and honest understanding... and it also sounds like your heart knows that you won't have those things with erik.

which brings me back to the point about getting a puppy, taking a puppy for a walk is a great way to meet new people.

ps: you know, i'll even spark one up in your honor... here's to new beginnings!

 

*sparks one up with lawngirl* TO NEW BEGINNINGS!

yes, do not go back. You did the right thing by leaving him in the first place. Good for you.

Not to sound harsh, but maybe you should have called him out on it. I doubt he would have actually cut himself anyway.

 

I'm really sorry that things turned out this way for you. I encourage you to stay strong.Don't let him come back.If he really cared for you he wouldn't place his pain in front of your safety.On top of that, his pain is his own fault,not yours.

You may have to do a little mental housecleaning of your own,but that is an entirely different topic.Stay safe.

 

i was with my ex for 2 years and i was almost in the same situation (only one time physical abuse, but always mental) ~ so i feel your pain totally. after four months of going through the "i think i want him back" stage, i'm completely over it. you can't change someone like that.. & it's definitely not a "one time thing" either, it will only get worse (that's what happened with us). better days are to come babe, keep strong & take it easy.


ps: you do deserve better. anyone who's been in a situation like this does (myself included)

 

It seems like the kind of situation where you feel really connected to someone and think you know them so well and really love them and then they do something completely unexpected...and you feel completely confused. Deep down you probably really wanted to be with him and are angry at him for what he did, because you know you can't be with someone like that...and by doing what he did, he destroyed all chances of you guys making it work.


I know that I've always vowed to myself that if I was ever abused or made to feel less than I deserve, I wouldn't deal with that shit...and I know you're strong enough to not deal with it either. You'll get through this. It must be hard, because you probably still love him and are playing the "what if" game in your head. But no one deserves to be abused like that, even if it's only a one-time thing. You're doing the right thing by getting out. Be strong, mama...you'll be ok.

 

Bullshit. Utter and complete BULLSHIT. That was NOT your fault. I don't care if you were screwing his best friend on the bed you two shared & if you two were not on any sort of a break, that does not justify what he did to you. If he's that hurt, he can walk away from you, tell you to take a flying fuck, tell you he never wants to talk to you again, even call you degrading names. But it is NOT your fault that he needs serious psychological help, that he either cannot or doesn't want to control his actions (in all of my few experiences with that sort of "I'm going to injure myself" crap, he was completely in control of himself but pretended to be out of control for the manipulative value of the outburst).

All I can tell you is to keep your guard up. When I was younger, I had a bf who progressively got more and more verbally abusive and started threatening physical violence. If I argued back after he called me a fat lazy bitch (who weighed 115 at 5'7", so fat, and was the one paying the bills, so lazy), he would tell me I was making him want to hit me. I don't even remember what the exact incident was that caused me to break up with him, but I made the mistake of thinking that we could stay living together until I finished up my 2 weeks notice at work. Ha! At one point, I came home to find a letter about how much he still loved me, smeared with blood, as he had slashed himself across the chest several times. Finally, I stayed out too late drinking coffee with a platonic (not that it mattered as we had already broken up) male friend. Things didn't get as bad as they did for you -- we argued, he threatened more violence, I left, called my dad, and only returned with my dad to get my stuff.

Ever the optimist, I thought we could still stay friends, as I still cared about him, I just couldn't be with him. That, of course, was his opportunity to try every trick up his sleeve to guilt me into taking him back. The worst was, after I cut off the friendliness, he showed up one night, exactly one week before my birthday, at a coffee shop I used to hang out at (he had moved out of state after the break-up, so it wasn't just a coincidence). He told me that if I didn't give him another chance by my birthday, he would kill himself on my birthday, and I would be his murderer. Lovely bastard, ain't he? I told him to go ahead, it would be a service to humanity, I sure as hell wouldn't feel guilty -- I wouldn't be the one pulling the trigger or shoving the pills down his throat or whatever, how could I be his murderer. Of course, I didn't expect him to do it, he was just trying to manipulate me, as he had tried in the past. Needless to say, it was a bluff -- he tried contacting my dad a few years later.

Anyway, the point is, no matter how much you love him, he has shown his true colors. Don't let yourself be weak. If you think you can try to be a friend, especially in support of him getting counselling, without being tempted to take him back, great. Otherwise, I would suggest just staying as far away from him as possible. Good luck.

Remember, this was NOT your fault!

 

Delilah, you are smart and attractive and charismatic. You are bisexual. You have endless possiblities of falling in love with an amazing, exciting person that will never mess around like Erik did, because they've grown up a little. There are so many stories of guys going insane and really hurting their close ones. Let him figure his stuff out for himself. He needs the time by himself. Sending you love, laughter and hugs.

 

i had a crazy violent jelous girlfriend i went back and it was 10x worse ....i wont bore yall wit details ....but go forward

 

Thanks for the love and support, guys! I'm going to be just fine. It takes more than a pathetic man to get me down!!!

 

Sweetie.. Im sorry for what happened... Thats horrible... You have done everything you can.... Erik obviously has some major issues to deal with... Be strong (we all know you are ) and Be safe.... No one has the right to lay a hand on you or scare you.. You are worth so much more.. Someday you'll find the perfect man for you... I hope you are safe and well... And make sure you get the locks changed after he moves out or atleast get a bolt for the door... Just to be safe... **Hugs**

 

yes I think that the idea of changing your locks is a wise one.

 

I basically used this as a mantra to get over my ex. It says it all.

I know you know it now, but it's time to start focusing on what's best for you. Not for some relationship, and definitely not for anyone else; but you.

 

Exactly!
None of this was your fault.
Speaking from my own similar experience, if you went back he would get the message that he can pull this kind of shit and you'll stick around. It only gets worse. Always.

It's understandable to still have feelings for him. (as weird as that may sound to people who have never been there.) You'll get over it. Believe me.

After leaving my husband several years ago (with no regrets) I occasionally still think, "It would have been so nice if the father of my kids hadn't gone completely fucking insane and treated us like shit. What if he really had been the guy he acted like when we met? Then the kids would have a cool dad." But I am mourning the loss of that possibility, not of the really crummy reality. I don't miss him.

And protect yourself. Get a restraining order. I am not kidding. Then you can change the locks on your apartment. Do it right away. You are not dealing with the nice guy you knew for a long time. You are dealing with someone who would assault you and threaten to cut himself as he holds you down. He's not rational.

I wish you all the best.

 

Restraining orders, more often than not, aggravate the situation. I recommend you be cautious around places he might 'accidentally' meet you. change your locks for sure, drag a friend with you anywhere you think might be dangerous. Go take a Tai Chi class.