My best friend's having trouble coming out

He's been trying to supress it and go for girls for over three years, but his only relationships have been flings. He was raised in a Conservative Christian family with three brothers. He hangs with the musician/drama geek/anime nerd/hippie/counter-culture/artist crowd, which are all the most accepting communities to hang with, but he's still convinced that his friends will be disgusted with him if he "officially" comes out - but I don't know of anyone who will (and if anyone does, they probably won't say anything in fear of being ostracized for being homophobic).

But it's still really bothering him, because he's finally realizing that it's not a choice - for him. He's always been very accepting of that stuff, just not for him.

The other day he broke two nuckles when he punched a car over an argument with his dad. . .over lunch. I'm his best friend, and I'm being there for him, but. . .I can see he's going insane over this, and I was wondering if anyone had any advice over how to help him out or. . .anything.

Please.

 

Well, I don't exactly have the best advice, but...I sure do know how he feels...

It's not easy for me to come out to anyone, and I mean anyone, so the frustration lingers...

 

He does not have to come out to anyone to be himself..or he can select a few he feels comfortable with.

 

Maybe you should introduce him to this site. Maybe it would help him to come out online, first, where no one knows who he is.

 

Why does it seem like it's some sort of a law that you have to come out. I tried telling my mother I was BI and she called me a slut. I think if your friend wants to come out he can, but i don't think he just has to. Chances are his parents know, but I doubt they will ever try to say anything to his face about it. There are some people who just never get married and they are not nuns or anything they just don't want to be married. Your friend can call him...his roomate forever as far as that goes. I don't advocate lieing, but some people have ignorant closed minded parents like I do. It just isn't worth it. he can come out to his friends and other people who he trusts, but why should he come out to his parents. I don't know all I know is that I don't feel like my parents need to know everyhing about my life, and I sure don't want to talk about sexuallity with them and there judgmental additudes.

 

I luckily live in a family where religion has never been spoken of (my parents are agnostic) and the town I live in is New Hope, which is a small town with lots of gay people living in it, lol. So homosexuality is widely accepted. Yet, for me, I still felt uncomofrtable, especially with telling my friends. I knew that they would probably be fine, but there was that other small voice saying that they might flip. Finally, I realized I couldn't stand having people think they know me, when they only knew part of me- I wanted them to know me overall, because I am a very open person. So, I told my friends, and they were all cool with it, and my parents were too. My entire grade practically knows now, and everyone treats me the same.

I think my main message is- it is such a liberating feeling to let peopel know who you are. I myself woudl rather people know ALL abuot me, THEN like me, rather than having people know part of me and judge me from that.

Of course, his situation sounds alot harder than mine, so he will relaly have to think about what he does. But with the crowd he hangs out with- one which I am associated with, the hippies- he is sure to have no problems. I bet he could tell them all and none would reject him. Its just this horirble thing called our imagination that sometimes gets working, for the worse, and comes up with worse-case scenarios to scare us out of doing things. I think he himself woudl rather have friends who really know him, so he doesn't have to put on an act, and feel comofrtable with them- and feeling open. True friends give you the freedom to be who you are and accept you nonetheless. And he will always have friends out there who will accept him.

In conclusion, after I came out as bi, I felt much more comfortable knowing that poeple accpeted me and whatnot, and if they hadnt, I would have felt better to know who really cares for me and who doesnt.

Good luck!
Cheers, and Love
Dylan

 

tell him i am gay too, i have a couple gay friend and i am selective about who i tell ya know like i only tell people i can trust. tell him i know how he feels i only came out to three people then i started telling a few people that i know dont care, it feels better to get it out tell him i am here if he wants to talk you must be a really good friend for him to tell only you that hes gay how did that happen?

 

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Sounds to me that it's your best friend's dad whose reaction your friend fears the most. He apparently fears that his dad will disown him if he comes out. And unfortunately, fathers have a much harder time accepting their sons' homosexuality than their daughters'.

This is due to the fact that too many straight men still equate being gay with being "effeminate" and consider it a threat to their masculinity. Yet many of those same straight men have no qualms about lesbians. It's the most crystal-clear example of the patriarchal double standard with respect to gender roles.

I suggest having a heart-to-heart talk with your friend about this, if you can.

-- Skeeter