I need help to bring my little girl home...

Please read this, I know it's long, but I need help. I don't even know if this is the right place to post this, but it seems like a good place to start. Maybe after you read this you might be able to tell me of a better place to post my story, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Thank you so much just for taking the time to read my story, so here goes:
to someone who cares,
I am writing to you about a matter that not only concerns my family, but several families in my hometown in new jersey. The problem is with our local division of youth and family services. they (dyfs) are taking our children out of their homes, for reasons that make no sense. and it seems their (dyfs) ultimate goal is to adopt our children out to strangers, rather than work with the families to reunite us with our children, can you imagine how scarey this is for these little children, being taken out of the only homes they have ever known and away from the people who love them the most. Please understand, i know some children are at risk and need to be protected, but not every single case should end in the same result. i will tell you my story of how dyfs came into my life and turned it upside down. in april of 2003, i began using heroin due to depression, after a few months of use, i came to my senses and went to my family doctor for help to detox. he prescribed me medication and it made me sick, so i went to my local hospital, along with my husband and my daughter. she was 7 years old at the time. coincidentally,my husbands aunt and cousin were also at the hospital, so i left my daughter in the waiting room with them, while i was being treated in the e.r. i was given a prescription for methadone and we left, as i was pulling out of the parking lot, i bumped a trucks bumper with my trucks bumper. the car alarm went off and then shut off, we waited but noone came out so i went to my pharmacy. my husband and daughter waited out in the truck while i went in to get my medicine...then the state police showed up. they asked me about the incident in the hospital parking lot and i was honest with them. i rec'd tickets. then the state trooper asked what medicine i was waiting for and again i was honest and told him..methadone. he then reported me and my husband to the division of youth and family services. not only did he tell them about my "drug use", he also told them that my husband and i left our daughter alone in the vehicle at the hospital and the pharmacy. i have never and would never leave my daughter alone in a vehicle or anywhere else. i am overly protective of her to say the least, anyone who knows me will tell you that! anyway, about 2 hour after we got home, dyfs showed up at my house, we let them in. i was resting at the time and not feeling well, so they (dyfs) said they would return the next day to speak with us. they did not remove my daughter from our home, as they said she was not in any danger, as my husband was fine. the next day, they came back and i told them everything...which sadly i regret now. i was honest with them, because i was terrified of losing my child. i explained to them that i was under my dr's care for detox and they did a drug evaluation on me and took a urine sample. i was at no time uncooperative with them. they explained that they would not remove my child, from our home because, again, they could see she was being taken care of and not in any danger. they established a "stability" goal, requireing me to attend intensive outpatient treatment, which i did not follow through with. the date of the home visit and evaluation was in august of 2003. in october of 2003, while we were out of town for the night, i returned home and found a hand written note stating that there was to be a court hearing for that day. well, by time we got home and found the note, the hearing was over and the court gave custody of my child to the division.

we never rec'd any kind of notice other than the one stuck in my door, less than 12 hours prior to the hearing. i called the courthouse and they told me they knew nothing of a hearing for that day regarding my family, so i contacted my caseworker at dyfs and she told me they did have a hearing and i had to "surrender" my child. thank god, the judge agreed to let my daughter go and live with my mother-in-law rather than a foster home. it was very upseting for all of us and i'll never forget my little girl asking me if she was going to get "tooken" away from

us. It broke my heart, especially since i was to blame. we took my daughter to my mother-in-laws house, and i stayed with her everynite until she fell asleep. it killed me to have to leave my child, so i relapsed and used drugs again. not right away, i tried to be strong, but my heart was broken and i could not deal with the reality of what i had caused. finally, right before christmas, i called the drug counselor at dyfs and asked to be put into an inpatient program. i would like to mention, that during this whole time, i was permitted to visit my daughter, supervised by my in-laws at their discretion.

from christmas until feb. 24th, when i went into rehab, i was only using enough drugs to keep me from getting sick. heroin withdrawal is terrible. i went into a program on feb 24th at a rehab,they detoxed me medically. i was supposed to stay for 28 days, but left after i had completed my detox period. i shouldn't have left, i wish i hadn't. although, i never touched heroin or any other drug since that day, which has been over 1 year now. i gave urine samples whenever i was asked and dyfs finally put me into another outpatient program in sept. of 2004. why it took so long for them to do that, i still don't know. i called the outpatient program myself in march 2004 and they said they could take me, but dyfs had to call and set it up. again, why it took them (dyfs) 6 months to set me up..i don't know. also, during all this time...the judge assigned to our case, stipulated in all the court orders that my daughter could be returned to my husband at the discretion of dyfs, but they never did return her. i would also like to mention that my husband is an amputee. he was shot in feb. 2000 and had to have his left leg amputated above the knee. he gets around on crutches and a prosthetic leg and he is more than capable of taking care of our daughter. his doctor even wrote a letter to dyfs stating that. but dyfs felt he was not capable because he takes pain meds. again, his doctor wrote them a letter stating that his meds do not impair him from doing anything, but that still was not good enough. in other words, my husband is being denied his parental rights because he is disabled. to make matters worse, because we are "low income" we were assigned "pool" attorneys through the public defenders office. these lawyers have done nothing to help us get our child back, and we are not allowed to speak in the courtroom. we have to rely on these attorneys who do nothing. as a matter of fact, whenever i tried to tell my lawyer something in court, he actually told me to "shut up" on numerous occasions. these lawyers who are supposed to represent us and defend us to the best of their abilities so that we may reunite with our child, have done absolutely nothing. looking at them in court, they don't even seem to be paying attention to what is being said. we are being denied our constitutional rights and we are scared to death of losing our little girl for good. the system that i had faith in, is turning it's back on us, and this is our child at stake. how can this happen? the lawyer for dyfs actually lies in court, for example, she told the judge that i have not been in compliance with my treatment, that i had been a "no show nocall" and my counselor had closed my case and i was "kicked out" of treatment. not true. i even brought letters to court from my counselor stating that i was doing very well with my treatment,and was remaining clean. i gave copies of these letters to my attorney and he never even showed them to the judge, and again, i am not allowed to speak up and defend myself. i end up leaving in tears after every hearing. i have completed my treatment...36 weeks of intensive outpatient, 3 nights a week, 3 hours a night, so now they put me in therapy and dyfs has decided that my husband should now attend drug treatment because he takes pain meds, prescribed by a pain management physician. it's just one thing after another, and to make matters worse, because the dyfs lawyer lied and told the judge i was not complying with my treatment, my visitation was changed to once a week for one hour, supervised by my caseworker. by the way, we have had 3 different caseworkers since this all began. it seems as though everytime a caseworker reports that i am doing good, they take her off my case and assign a new caseworker, so we have to start all over again. this is a nightmare. they say they have my daughters best interest in mind, but they don't even know her. the only time they go see her and talk to her is always a day or two before the next court hearing and they spend no more than a half hour with her. they were supposed to start my husbands "services" almost a year ago, and he still isn't receiving any at all. now, they are saying because my daughter has been out of our home for over a year (because dyfs has drug it out for so long) they want to place her with my in-laws permenatley. it's a program called "kinship legal guardianship". my in-laws even agree that my daughter should have been home months ago. I had more rights to my child when i was on drugs. it's crazy. now that i am clean, things are getting worse instead of better. it doesn't make any sense. my daughter was never abused. i never even left her with a babysitter to go out. i am a good mother and i love my little girl more than anything in this world, i made a mistake i know, but i have resolved it and i am still clean. it breaks my heart, because my daughter keeps asking when can she come home, but i'm not allowed to tell her anything.

she doesn't understand, and they (dyfs) aren't providing her with any kind of counseling to help her to understand why this is happening. i spoke with another lawyer, one that costs money, and she told me she could get my daughter back for me, but i don't have the money for a 2500.00 retainer fee, as i said my husband is disabled and we only receive about 600.00 per month. there is so much more to my story and i have proof to deny the allegations these people are making against my husband and myself, but noone will listen. we need help and we need it quick. our next court date is may 11th 2005, and dyfs is trying to proceed with the "kinship legal guardianship" I'm scared to death to lose my child for any longer, let alone until she's 18 years old, and god forbid anything should happen to my in-laws, dyfs will put my daughter into a foster home.

how can this be the best thing for my little girl? my husband and i have a nice home and my daughter is in absolutely no danger with us. and once again, i have been clean for over a year, and before this incident, i never used drugs or did anything to prove me unfit. this isn't the way our system is supposed to work, and the ones who are paying the price are the children.

there are many, many cases just like ours in our hometown. there are supposed to be casa workers available to families involved in dyfs cases. casa workers are court appointed special advocates. they are a non-profit group who serve as a mediator, spending time with the families and the children, as well as making sure dyfs is following correct procedure, and they report to the judge what they think is in the childs best interest, but our county doesn't have one and that's very sad, because there is noone neutral involved to observe what is going on. i have been looking all over the internet to try and find some kind of help, but all i find is horror stories of how child protective services abuse the system and destroy good families. dyfs workers aren't even required to have any kind of degree, just a high school diploma. and they are the ones deciding what is best for our children. it's also kind of strange that these caseworkers do not have children of their own, so they can't even comprehend the bond between a child and a parent. almost everyday there is something in the newspaper about dyfs messing up, yet they still have free reign with our children. children are being abused, raped and even murdered in foster homes, yet they still put innocent children in them. and lots of people apply to be foster parents, because the state pays them almost 2000.00 a month per child. it seems our court system is all about money. they do not care about our children and somebody must do something about this. i'm trying, but i can only do so much, which doesn't seem to be much at all. we need help. please, if there is anything you can do, please contact me. i am desperate and i am scared. i can't imagine my life without my child. i miss her so much and she misses me. she just wants to come home. they left her with me while i was still using drugs and they knew i was, so why are they keeping her from me now? i just don't understand. i pray every day and night and i tell her to do the same. i tell her god will make everything right. through him all things are possible, but my little girl is losing faith, and she's only 8 years old. please, please help us.

thank you and god bless,

 

DEAR RAPUNZEL AND EVERYBODY ELSE,
I GUESS I SHOULD HAVE FIGURED THAT WOULD COME BACK TO BITE ME IN MY ASS
i POSTED THAT THREAD FOR A FRIEND OF OURS, WHO IS NOT A MEMBER, BUT HE WAS READING THE POSTS AND WANTED TO KNOW WHAT PARACHUTING WAS, SO I ASKED. DAMN, I GET PISS TESTED AT LEAST ONCE A WEEK, AND WHEN I WAS USEING, I USED HEROIN, NOT PILLS. SOME PEOPLE ON HERE SAY OC'S AND DOPE ARE THE SAME, BUT I NEVER GOT INTO PILLS. MY "SOB STORY" AS YOU PUT IT, IS ALL VERY MUCH TRUE. YA KNOW IT'S HARD ENOUGH DEALING WITH THE SYSTEM AND HAVING THEM THINK EVERYTHING COMING OUT OF YOUR MOUTH IS BULLSHIT, LET ALONE COMING TO A SITE, LOOKING FOR SOME SUPPORT AND GETTING ACCUSED OF THE SAME SHIT. I WENT THROUGH HELL TO OVERCOME DRUGS AND I AM CLEAN AND WILL REMAIN CLEAN, AND I AM DAMN PROUD OF MYSELF FOR IT.
SUSAN

 

To All Of Those Who Did Not Bash Me...thank You For Your Support And Advice. I Truly Appreciate It. There Are Alot More Good People Here Than Those Who Feel They Have The Right To Pass Judgement On Someone Who Made A Mistake In The Past. Must Be Nice To Be So Perfect.
Thanks Again!

 

You sound like you've tried everything. I think that going to God with this is good even though it may seem that it's getting you no where. Court battles do take time, it's an ugly reality. Have you thought of writing a letter to a judge or having your pastor or advocate write a letter to the judge. I would write a letter to my congressman/woman. I would go to a nearby law school and talk to some undergrads for legal advice that you can afford, usually free. Do you have a job? I would try to take on as much responsibility as you can to prove that you are really trying. I think you may be doing just that. I don't know everything about your situation except that it's really sad. I have kids myself. I am also a stepmom to one special little girl whose mom is on and off meth and alcohol, mostly booze I think. We know how important it is for the kid to see her mom when she's sober. Now her mom is making good attempts at living clean and responsible. It's hard to trust her, but it seems that she gets every chance in the world. She lost everything and split the state last year with the kid. It killed us, but there was nothing we could do until she got back. We took her to court and she still got custody. In the state I live in, the goal of the court is to reunite the child with the mother in all cases if possible. (no matter the circumstance) maybe you should move here, that's a bad joke, sorry. I want you to know that your voice is heard and support is here for you. Please stay strong, I know it's hard, but something good has to come out of this because it seems you have had enough of the bad. It will work itself out. I am sorry for you but don't give up on that little girl. Keep doing what you have been and someone will notice your efforts.
Love and Light
chill mama

 

Thank You Chill..
I Actually Did Advocate For Myself And I Got A New Lawyer. I Also Wrote To My Congressman And State Rep, And The Congressman Actually Wrote Back! Of Course All He Really Said Was He Was Forwarding My Letter To My State Rep, But..what Can Ya Do? So What State Do You Live In, Because I Know When I Do Get My Daughter Back...i'm Getting The Hell Outta Here!!!
Anyway, Thanks Alot...

 

Hi Suzy,

I have so many questions about your case. First let me say that I work in drug rehab in New Jersey. I work with unreasonable DYFS workers every day. But I also work with many who have good hearts and are in the business for the right reasons.

What county are you in? Who is your DYFS worker? Who is the judge? You can pm me with this info instead of posting it online. But it might help me point you in the right direction. Also what hospital gave you a perscription for methadone? Usually you have to go to the meth clinic every day to receive your dose for the day. They don't even give you extra over the weekend. You have to go in every single day to get it.

When you go to court you absolutely have the right to speak up for yourself. If a judge told you to "shut up", either you were trying to speak at the worng time or the judge was out of line. I'm glad you were able to get a new attorney. Have him or her send a letter to the judge before your court date including copies of everything you got that you completed your drug program. I would even go back and ask the counselor to write a letter for you.

When you go to court don't show that you are angry or defensive. Always say how remorseful you are and how you are trying so hard to do the right thing. Let the judge know how many 12 step meetings you are going to every week. Also make sure your lawyer knows that DYFS is not allowing your husband to have custody even though the judge ordered it.

You have to play their game. If they say jump, you say how high. Or better yet, is this high enough. Never question them. Always show how compliant you are.

Have they filed for guardianship yet or is this next hearing the one where they will file for guardianship? Once they file guardianship they still have to take you to trial and prove all their allegations. You have the opportunity to bring your own witnesses and your own proof. Have your attorney schedule a psych eval and a bonding eval. This will be evidence that will hold up in court. Take the aunt who was with your daughter at the hospital. Have your husband testify that he was with the child in the car. Don't let DYFS run you down.

As for why it took them so long to get you into treatment, DYFS doesn't do anything unless you light a fire under them. Sometimes you have to call them or go to them every day to keep your name on the top of their pile. They are overworked and have too many families on their case loads. Some of them just plain don't care. But it is true that the squeeky wheel gets the oil. Keep after them.

As far as the hearing they had without your knowledge. They can do this. You were not being compliant with DYFS so they had reason to feel that they should take your child. They didn't have to notify you at all. They could get a judge to sign what is called a DOD. And they have custody of your child. They can do this on a moments notice. And they can do this over the phone. The judge will sign the paperwork and DYFS can pick it up the next day.

As for why the are rushing now to have your inlaws take legal custody of her, that's a federal mandate. If a child is in place for 12 out of the last 15 months, they have to find a permanent home for the child. However, if you are totally compliant with DYFS that home can still be with you. But if you are not compliant, they have to find another home. Children can no longer be left in foster care or out of home placement for years. At the 12 month mark, plans have to start being made. You have a history of noncompliance. Yes, you may be doing the right thing now, but your history is not so good. You didn't go to the outpatient program they wanted you to go to. You left the 28 day program after a few days. DYFS or the judge have no way of knowing how sincere you are now when they look at the record. That's why I say you have to do everything they tell you to do and more. And get it in writing. If it's not in writing, it didn't happen.

Please take the time to take care of yourself. You can't possible be a good mom until you are good to yourself. Feel free to pm me if there is anything I can do to help. I know many of the DYFS workers and several judges in Jersey. And the treatment programs. I hope some of this helps.

Kathi

 

kathi, you rock! real, good, concrete advice - which is what she needs more than a bunch of jugemental opinions