If your husband cheated on you

would you forgive him/stay with him soley because you have children together? Do it for "the children's sake?" I know that infedelity can be a hugely complicated thing and so many factors are involved in whether or not a couple stay together....but I know that when couple's have children it changes things. So what's your opinion and what do you think about a women taking a man back on the basis that she wants to keep the marriage together "for the kids"? My mother did that. Or so she says that was the only reason she forgave my father. I was opposed to her taking him back but she says I could never understand because I don't have children. So.....just wondering.

 

I don't think I would be able to forgive them, or stay with them. IMHO, most (90%+) of cheaters don't reform, don't change. If they can't bring up the issues that drove them to cheat BEFORE they cheat, then there's a huge problem and lack of both trust and respect. A relationship without respect is not worth my time.

then again, I don't have kids so I'm not sure if that would change if I had kids.

 

Kick his ass to the curb. Period. And he knows that!

 

It would not be forgiven. He would get out and get a divorce. I'm not making myself a worried wreck over "where is he?" "who could he be with?" " is he out cheating?". That would make me a bad mother. I would rather be alone and be a happy strong woman than drag myself and my children through a troubled marriage.

Not that I have any, but I have a strong opinion on that subject. Happy kids come from happy families,

 

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I don't understand how you could forgive in the first place. Sure, a relationship and marraige is a lot more than sex, but a marriage IS a promise to each other. and if a person is weak enough to lie, hide, and cheat, they aren't worth my time. Every single person deserves to be loved and treated with respect. A husband or wife should work problems out, not go get thier needs somewhere else!

Why is it so hard to be honest? Why can't you say you aren't happy in the marraige and try to find an alternative? Why do people have to go beyond hurting someone by wanting someone else, but lying and not being honest. you could wind up with a STD, for goodness sake!

I personally, would not waste any time getting my life heading in a new direction. One that is honest, true, and happy.

 

No, I could never forgive that, and no, I wouldn't stay with him just for the sake of our children. Children are a lot more in tune with things around them than we often-time give them credit for. If mom or dad are in an emotional turmoil, it's going to eventually affect them in one way or another because they will pick up on those negative vibes. And really, could I look at my husband with the same love and trust that I had prior to? Absolutely not. There would always be doubt. What kind of relationship would that be?

I just witnessed my mother breaking off a 5 year relationship with a man, who cheated on her, not once, not twice, but four times that she's known of, and probably even more than that. One incident being two weeks before she was planned to marry him. If I had to count how many times he told her that he was "cured" and wouldn't do it again? *laughs sarcastically* I've seen what his infedility has done to her self esteem, and it isn't pretty. She feels completely worthless at this point in her life.

 

I wouldn't. Especially with children.

Children need to learn how to treat other people, and how not to let other people treat them, so staying with a man that treats you badly is not a good example for children. I wouldnt want to teach my (future) son or daughter that they should stay with a person regardless of their treated.

My husband and I were young when we got together, and both have made our mistakes. We have forgiven eachother, recognized eachother's lack of maturity and responsibility at that point, and worked through it together. Now that we are committed and living together, however (and not just "going out" like the high school days) I would not even consider putting up with infidelity. Neither would he. It shows something about your character if you don't have the willpower to either keep yourself out of situations that may tempt you, tell a person "sorry, I'm married", or tell your significant other that the spark isn't there and you need to move on before sleeping with someone else. Cheating doesn't happen accidentally.

To me committment is a choice, and it is work, it is not a fairy tale. There will be people who are attractive to you besides your significant other - there will be temptations and opportunities, but when you chose to commit you have an obligation to hold that person's feelings well being and happiness above your own ALWAYS. Not just when it is convienent or easy. If you can't do that, you aren't committed.

 

I'm neither female nor homosexual so I doubt I'll ever have a husband, but if my hypothetical wife were to cheat on me, my first instinct would be to drop her. The criminal aspect of cheating (in my opinion) is not the sex but the betrayal of the partner. Everybody wants, needs, loves sex and all the giddy little thrills that come with it. But if my partner weren't getting what she needs at home, I'd rather she come to me first with whatever the problem is so we can spice things up ourselves, explore the idea of "opening" the relationship if that's what she feels or we feel is best, or decide to part ways amicably.

That sort of honesty and willingness to reason is what I would expect from any woman who would be my wife. But cheating to me is unforgivable, so ideally I would remove myself from the marriage in that situation. Unless we had children involved, in which case there would be much more to consider.

For one thing, any man trying to gain custody of his children is fighting an uphill battle. While joint custody is becoming more and more common, most custody agreements place children primarily if not solely with their mothers. So, no offense meant, but I think it's a bit easier for women to consider leaving their husband because they aren't as likely to lose their children. If I thought that splitting with my spouse would endanger my relationship with my children (not all ex-spouses act maliciously when it comes to determining the other parent's role, but it's not unheard of), I'm not sure I'd agree to a divorce if I had any choice in the matter.

 

Get to know each other REALLY well before marrying. I doubt many men or womyn start cheating after marraige, if the dating period was long enough. I think if it happens in the dating years, it will continue. If you can trust him over a period of years while dating, you are probably, (hopefully) safe against cheating. Of course, people can change.

What amazes me is a womyn whose boyfreind cheated while they were dating, she goes ahead and marries him anyway and then gets surprised when he cheats after the vows. How hard would that be to predict?

 

Actually, Hanzo, this is not true. More than 75% if CONTESTED custody cases go to the father. The reason most womyn get the children, is that dad really didn't want the full time custody, or just used it as a ploy in the divorce and then dropped the request.

As it stands now, if you are a man and ask for custody, you will most likely get it. The courts see a man who asks for custody as some kind of saint, and the request, if contested almost always goes to him.

 

hm.... my parents fought over custody of me for a long time (taken to court several times and dropped due to insufficient funds for the lawyers) and my parents ended up having joint custody of me. My dad tried to basically say that my grandma (his mom) was a better mother than my real mom was. :S Thank goodness that didn't work out. But it almost worked a couple of times, since both my mom and dad were pretty freakin broke and fairly young still, while my grandma and grandpa already owned their house and had raised on kid (plus my grandma basically raised her two sisters)

 

Maggie -

You always seem to come up with some statistic to disprove my point (and I've grown to expect it, so thank you for not disappointing), but I know I'm not entirely wrong on this either. I don't doubt that many men who do contest the court decision get awarded some custody, but there are still men out there who want to see their kids but can't. I promise you I am not making this up.

Here is a semi-recent article about custody issues in Europe, for example:

http://www.time.com/time/europe/html/040927/story.html

 

My father, who I really and truly looked up to and wanted to be like for the longest time, ended up cheating on my mother for a year. It was the most devastating thing that I've ever had to live through, since the only people who knew about it were my father, my mother, and myself (I'm the only one my mom talked to). It completely wrecked my mom. When she found out, my dad told my mom he didn't love her anymore. She told him to get out of the house because she just didn't know what to do. She still loved him, and this basically just killed her. They had been together since they were teenagers.


After being out of the house for 2 weeks and my mom trying to get my dad to come back home and work it out, he finally came back. Things were decent for a little while. My dad tried a little to like...hold her, or kiss her sometimes. But it was all forced. I could tell, and I still can tell. I don't think he loves her. But they're still "together." It's all on a superficial level. I even talked to my mom tonight and I asked her how she was and if she's happy and she flat out said that, no, she's not. I fucking hate the whole thing and wish to fucking god they'd get a divorce. I hate their relationship and I am forever bitter towards my father for what he put my mother through...and on top of that, not even TRYING to make things better. I hate it all.

I personally despise cheaters and have vowed to myself that if anyone were to ever cheat on me, I would never stay with a person like that. I deserve so much more. I wish my mother would see that for herself. The thing is, I always looked up to my dad so much...I wanted to be like him in so many ways. Now...I'm just confused and angry and bitter. And I see the same in my mom, even though they both try to hide the tension. It all fucking sucks...

 

If I knew a guy who cheated on his wife I would expect her to leave him because he is stupid in the first place. I am sorry, but I don't care. I would never cheat, but I don't have a girlfried. Why am I on the wemons issues forum anyway?

 

We have a really good marriage, and I can't see it ever happening, but I would be history. I could never trust him after that. I don't share, and I am afraid of catching a disease.
We have two sons and I wouldn't want to teach them that that is how they should treat women. The same would go for hitting me. Men who beat their wives have usually watched their mother get beat up all their lives........and the beat goes on....

 

I would never stay with him for the childrens sake... Kids are smart they can sense tension and anger.... I could never trush him again... And a relationship is nothing without trust!!!

 

Hanzo, I don't know what the situation is in Europe, I was talking about the USA. The link was interesting, as it pertained more to visitation rights than actual custody.

This guy has a great track record of not keeping in touch with his kids, and having them with a number of womyn, though. Not the best poster boy for "Let me see my kids." My dh has great contempt for dudes who "forget" they have children, or at least act like it, only to want sudden contact with them when it is convenient for them.

I have no idea what the custody stats are in Europe. I just know in the US that if a man wants custody, chances are he will get it. In fact, asking for custody, and then retracting the request is one of the most commonly used ploys men use in divorce in the US, presumably to pay as little child support or maintainence as possible, as I hear it told. (The "OMG, I didn't really want the little brats, I just wanted to scare her so I didn't want to pay that shrew too much." ploy, is one of the most common in American divorce.)

 

it has happened to me; i left! if you don't have an open relationship, then cheating is OUT!

 

I would be more likely to leave now that I have a kid. Not that I wouldn't have left before...I really think anyone with self respect should leave someone who can't be an adult and not cheat...hello we all get tempted...the test is whether or not you are commited to your spouse. I would want to kill myself if my son ever thought it was okay to betray someone like that cause "daddy did it and you still love him"