ok, let me get you lovey ladies opinions

I need some outside views on the situation. I will be totally honest and bring everything to the table, so no one gets a twisted version of the story.

Erik and I broke up Friday. He is finding another place to live and we split the bank account. Our plan is to break up for a while (a month or two) and see where we are from there.

When we were together, we had always talked about me being with another girl. I had before, I wanted to again. All he ever said about it, was that it was cool and he thought it was sexy. We met a couple and I started hanging out with them. Erik knows them also and we've chilled a few times. I said I would probably have sex with the girl, because she was bisexual as well. Again, I only hear the words "cool" come from his mouth.

Let me say that one of the reasons we broke up is that he was telling me all the time he didn't care that much. I remember that well, as it's been said over and over.

So last weekend, to get out of the house and relax after the big ordeal with Erik, I go over there. He knows, says it's fine with him (by this point he was feeling awesome about our break and really supportive). He even met up with us once one of the nights for an hour or two and the three of us (me and the couple) we really fucked up and having an awesome time. He left with another friend.

He admitted when he was over, he thought we all might get down, but NEVER SAID A WORD.

I did have sex with the girl and her boyfriend never touched me. I have no interest in sleeping with another man. I was just being intimate with a good girl friend. Erik and I used to talk about it all the time about how it was different.

I told him the next day and he flips out and says I cheated. He said it's like the episode of Friend's where Ross sleeps with someone else but didn't think anything of it because they were on a break.

After hearing so many times he said it was cool, and after he said how much he really didn't care, AND the fact that we had broken up, I honest to God had no second thoughts. If I had thought it would hurt him, I wouldn't have done it.

Was I really cheating? Can I be at fault for this? Can anyone at least understand WHY I would feel that it was ok???

I can't seem to feel bad because he said so many times it was cool. I feel bad for hurting him, but I just don't understand how or why Erik is feeling the way he is.

 

I'm no lady, but this is my perception of the situation. He (Erik) obviously still cares for you. That is why the jealousy is there, and probably will be for long time. He'll probably go out looking for a easy lay to get some revenge, to justify things in his head. And I honestly dont think you were cheating, but it's hard to judge because I dont know Erik's side of the story. But, I do think that you should've have waited to get "intimate" with a friend till your break period was over with Erik. Don't you think you acted kind of fast, considering you only broke up a week ago?

 

Ok...

if you were broken up...

then I don't understand why he would take offense.

This was a mutual agreement between yourself and Erik...

and since he never objected before, I don't understand why he thinks he can control you now.

That's this Vixen's two cents

 

that's just it. He KNEW I was going to do it with or without him. That was established when we were together, and he said it was all cool and fine.

Yes, it was fast in a sense, but this has been talked about before and we knew it was going to happen. It just happened to happen a few days after Erik and decided he should move out for a while.

If it was cool when we were together, why is it cheating now that we're not?

That's what I'm confused about.

thanks for the replies!

 

Just remember when he tells you he slept with some chick, dont get mad.

 

he could right now. He has told me so many times, "don't care" " you shouldn't care". That sticks after you hear it over and over. I nevre thought he would care, and now i'm trying to do exactly what he told me he wanted from me- not care about him or the relationship.

On this break if he were to get with another girl, I would be ok with it b/c i'm confidant that he'll be responsible, and that he'll end up apprciating me a lot more.

Plus, at 19, it's good to see what's out there, even if you already know what you want. I would be jealous, but I would also be happy for him in a wierd way.

I was really happy for me, I tell you that. I can't help it.

 

If you were broken up, it wasn't cheating, and even if you were both still together, if he said he was "cool" with it, and you were both in mutual agreement, I don't think it would be cheating either.

Maybe the "thought" to him was cool, but the actual action wasn't, and he didn't realize that until it happened.

 

I'd love to make you happy headymoe.

 

another issue that he brings up is that ONE time, way back, he said he didn't mind if he didn't participate, as long as he was there.

I agreed.

BUT... we aren't a couple anymore. Just like I can come home at any time I want now and I have no one to answer to, I thought this was the same.

ALSO, I want to reiterate that he KNEW I was spending two nights in a row there and him and his friend said that we probably would end up getting intimate. Not once did he ever tell me that that would not be cool. Before he left, he said have a fun night.

I feel nuts cuz he's really pissed now, and I thought that if it was a huge problem, it could have been prevented with a little more clarification.

I'm not trying to put myself on the defense here, I am just so confused because he's so angry, but all I did was take his words at face value.

 

You DON'T have to answer to him, and you shouldn't let his pissy atitude about everything upset you like this. The two of you are seperated at this point in time. You have every right to do as you please. He should have shown more care back when you were a couple, but you were the one doing all of the caring.

I think it's like that song goes "Don't Know What You Got Till It's Gone". Erik is regretting his ways, still loves you, and doesn't want to see you with anyone else, male OR female.

 

thanks. It feels good to know I'm not alone, or that I did something awful. I feel bad that I hurt him, but there were so many reasons that I had the back up that he acted as though he didn't care, and i beleived him, and now he's pissed that I DON'T care.

phew. what a mess. I'm glad he's moving out.

what I really want is for us to have this time apart and grow up a little more, learn to be our own people, and get back together. He really is a great guy.

It's just like you said hippychickmommy, he thought he didn't care that much, and it took something like this to unveil his true feelings.

 

It wasnt cheating.... But he is probably very hurt by it.... But you have no reason to feel bad.... But do remember if you catch him with a girl you cant be mad either

 

I feel so bad for hurting him, but I did something he said was ok!! I NEVER would have done it if he had expressed at all that it would cause a problem. I asked over and over while we were in a relationship. I beleived what he said. And now he's making me feel like I was wrong, because " even though he said what he said, I should know what he meant"

ugh, it never ends.

To tell the truth, I'm not THAT concerned about it. I feel very strongly that I had teh right, and if I didn't something should have been said.

But he's so angry. And I wanted to know how many other people would be angry too, if they really blame me.

And yeah, if he were to date, of course I would feel jealous, but I would feel happy for him and I know it's good to know what's out there, even if you already know what you want.

 

yo how long have ya'll been together? i remember right after me and my boyfriend started dating my best friend who i had been with one time before wanted to 'date' me as my girlfriend.. i thought it was a cool idea cuz it sounded like a lotta fun, but later i realized that was really selfish. my boyfriend told me to do whatever i wanted...but i could tell the way he said it that he didn't want me to. sometimes you just have to really think about what your boyfriend really feels cuz sometimes he won't always tell you, just cuz he wants you happy. it would have been really rude to do that because he want me all to himself...and even being with a female would mean he wouldn't completely have me.

so basically in your situation ya'll may have needed to set some standards to your 'break'...as in what you can and can't do...or if it really is a break-up rather than a rest from your relationship. if it's just a rest i don't think i'd appreciate my man goin off with someone else as well as he wouldn't appreciate me too either. but that's why i asked how long ya'll have been together, cuz if you've been with him and know him better you would know better how he really feels

 

Micheal,



that's not really nice or on topic and I would really apprciate you sticking to the problem and not saying mean things like that to hurt my feelings. You offer good advice and that's what I am asking for this second.

I suggest you look up all the threads I started about him, or glance in my journal to get a feeling of how much I care about him.

I ask that you do that before telling me how I feel. I'm not angry, but I find that you single me out and say very passive aggressive things that aren't nice, you assume things without looking into how I really feel.

If you are going to get that deep, please read into my thoughts in my journal first. that's all I ask. I'm sure if you take the time to read it, Micheal, you would get a better understanding.


edit: princess jewel, we've been together (and living together!) for 2 1/2 years. He's told me a million times he loves the fact that I'm bi and thinks it's cool and sexy. But I hurt him and I feel really bad.

 

I don't consider what happened cheating, but I will mention that guys are often saying its "different" if a girl is with another girl instead of another guy...I don't believe thats true...in some ways its actually worse for the guy.

 

why didn't he just come out and say it wasn't ok?

I never would have wanted to if I htought it would hurt him even a little bit. that's the truth.

Why couldn't he be honest and how was I supposed to know how he really felt?

 

he obviously didn't want to sound rude if reference to your ideas like he didn't understand why you'd want to do something like that, and apparently hoped in the same sense that you'd know how to keep him happy. he wasn't expecting you to do it in consideration of his feelings

 

I'm guessing that he didn't think it would be a big deal, but at an unstable time in the relationship it was and that he couldn't stand hearing about it.

I was involved with a girl once who was constantly making out with girls and guys, everytime I turned around she was kissing a friend of mine, making out with some random girl in the aprtment building across the street, etc.

She could not be trusted with anyone in any situation after a while, if she was just hanging out with a couple of girls it was very easy to imagine that they were all fucking each other....thats kind of the problem with being in a relatively free relationship like that, especially when the girl is bi-sexual....

As a guy, I found it annoying to hear about her making out with other girls, didn't make me angry, just got on my nerves in a big way.

 

I will be honest and say I have always been 100% faithful. I've never touched another guy, held his hand, rubbed his back, nothing. Maybe a hug if one of his friends is having a bad day, but he's there!!

I just wish he would have said it was a problem when we talked about it. I know I keep saying that, but I can't get over it!! I NEVER would have tried to hurt him.