My first trip and the my associated psychological consequenses

I don't know what to think.



That morning I had my first experience with surgery. I had my wisdom teeth removed - whilst awake. Hardcore freezing, Haliums[sp?], and nitrous oxide. Later that day I popped two Valiums, and took my Ibuprofen 600 and penicillin. I was warned by my relatives not to go out but I had the itch in me. I suppose pain killers and alcohol don’t mix well ~ sorry liver. We started at my sister’s house; I drank a stiff glass of crown mixed with coke. We wanted to get to the bar so I went into the kitchen and took a straight up shot of crown. At the bar... umm...? A couple rye and cokes... a couple more shots of crown.



I was feeling good; I went up to this old hippy dude who proclaimed himself as the "Prof." He was sporting a long salt and pepper colored pony tail and beard. The seemed quite insightful about the hippy generation and life in general as he had seen it come and go. We chatted for quite a long time, he told me lots of shit, most of which I can't remember - funny how that always fucking happens. I've got about 9 grand saved up and I'm itching for adventure. I'm unsure of which is a worthy adventure; I'm scared to go out of my comfort zone and interact with people. I'm afraid that I'll try to force an experience and just end up isolated in my truck or tent a long ways away from home with a hurting wallet and nothing to show for it but self degradation. He told me not to go; for which reason I do not remember but it seemed like bad advice. We talked about shit like what I wanted to do in life. I said I would like to grow marijuana as it is one of the only things I'm passionate about. I do realize that the occupation is not very... reasonable. He said to transfer my love for plants into an occupation such as owning a greenhouse. Doing so would have a much broader scope of knowledge on plant life and it's legal. I just don't fucking know anymore and this has very little to do with my story.



My sister, her boyfriend and a couple of my sister’s friends closed the bar with me. Everyone was ready to head home except my sister and I. So we went to an after hours club where we decided to roll for our first times. I approached several people and finally tracked down a couple pills. Very shady people and an ugly environment. Although I was wasted on a cocktail of intoxicants and I didn't give a fuck.



We waited at a table and watched the shitty atmosphere for about 25 minutes. I thought that the tabs were bunk as they looked much like Advil. I went around again asking for some more and someone told me to wait for another 15. We did and it hit us... from here on I don't really remember too much detail. A warm fuzzy feeling, love for everyone, a desire to express [speed], you know the drill. There was this older fellow [30] who was sitting at the table beside us alone. I usually approach these people as I feel they are excluded from the party and need some company. I chatted his ear off like a speed freak. I don't remember the details but I'm quite confident that I told him I had grown weed, worked up north and sold it the side. Now that I think of it the guy was fucking shady, very non communicative, not on E etc. Later on I hear he's a fucking narc with an earpiece... way to go Floyd!



Other than that we met a wide variety of cool people. One was blind, one a bisexual who took my sister and I under her wing... very nurturing. We met a 27 year old female with a kid who gave us free pills and tried to get us into the experience. We would touch and I would feel something I've never really felt before. I tried to dance but I didn't feel it; maybe I would have if Neil Young was being played?



We closed the after hours club and all met up outside. The 27 year old didn't have a jacket so we all huddled together in a circle until our DJ buddy brought his car by. I held her in my coat... ecstasy. She was a petite girl, hugging me, and I giving her my warmth – so sensual and giving? We ended up at this DJ's house... probably about 6 or 7 of us. Intense conversation for hours. I learned the 27 year old had a boyfriend so I didn't go there at all... in actuality I had remained tactful throughout the night. I met all kinds of exotic city kids, and we connected. I come from an adjoined city which is highly snobbish and remote in many ways. I've been isolated for 8 years; no real friends, never a serious girlfriend, I never attended high school much, lots of drugs, introspective nature. I’ve had several chances to lose my virginity, yet I shy away because of the sense of superficiality. Lately I've been so fucking alone though.



After we came down so did our moods. Everyone bailed eventually and my sister and I had a walk downtown in the sunlight discussing the events. She appeared to have had a great time but she said she would never do it again. I think it scared her opening up so much especially without her boyfriend; even though she had remained as faithful as possible on E. I think the speed scared her; the dirtiness of the pills. She’s in a different stage in life than I am; she just purchased a house with her soon to be husband and as I found out that night is ready for kids. Who knows?



I on the other hand never wanted to come down. Come down to my normal existence, my isolation. Alcohol, pot, mushrooms, anything I've tried I've never connected on such a sensual level. I need a girlfriend, somebody to share myself with. I'm lonely.



Now I see a good friend of mine who just came off a year and a half of crack and it scares me. I've always been into drugs... mostly mushrooms and pot. The idea of fucking around with pills and the scene that comes from such scares me though. I feel guilty to have enjoyed it, I felt liberated, accepted. It doesn't matter who you are; I am me on E! My hair is past my shoulders and yet I've always been so scared to let it down. When I was in that club I let it free and it felt so liberating. I am Floyd and I have long hair!



I don't want to be dependant on a drug to be social; yet I don't want to be alone anymore. I would almost prefer being used, or addicted to a drug in order to experience, to feel.



Does anyone understand where I'm coming from? Advice?

My life is fucking empty.

 

Well, for starters I definetly wouldn't worry about the so-called narc, cops don't tread in the afterhours around here.


Personally, I don't necessarily agree with drinking+E. I've done it once, and I puked up green foam. If you wanna get the full effects of E, do it sober, it will be a whole different trip.

MDMA was used by psychologists in the past to get their patients to open up and to talk freely about their problems, what you felt for those people is a bond and a connection created by being high with them. Not to say that you can't have that bond without the drugs, I have a best friend that I met at the afterhours months ago...but we don't go to the afterhours anymore. Our relationship doesn't revolve around getting high together, cause in the end those relationships aren't real and are just fabricated.

Don't feel guilty about doing E. Almost everyone has this huge guilt complex about it, and I don't understand why. As long as you are smart about it, there is nothing to be worried about. Do it in moderation, know what you are taking, and don't be an idiot about things and you should have nothing to worry about. BUT, if you don't think you can keep things under control and moderation then I strongly suggest not doing it again. It is SO EASY to get sucked in by E and that lifestyle, and once you are it's hard to get unstuck. I went to highschool for a couple of people that go into that scene the same time I did, the difference was I was into raving for the music and the dancing, they were into it for the pure sake of getting fucked. And boy did they ever get fucked...so be careful.

You are lonely, I get that. But E won't change that. If you rely on a chemical substance to make you friends or to make you social...then you are an addict, plain and simple.

I suggest you get out there, go see the world. Jump the fuck into something, anything, just do SOMETHING. It's easy to sit back and say you don't like the life you are living...but it's another to do something about it. And nobody is gonna help you get your life on track, you gotta do it yourself.

I'm going to a BIG RAVE this weekend, April 23rd. You gotta buy your tickets in advance, they are probably around 50$. You are more then welcome to join me and my friends.