scared and confused: pregnancy hormones and post partum depression

I need some advice on both.
I'm going to be having a baby in september, and I've always had really really bad depression. They say that if that's the case, you're almost gaurented to have bad post-partum depression.
This is really scaring me. I've already got a boat load of stress from trying to deal with my boyfriend (he doesn't understand the pregnancy hormones, and I'm so moody right now, I feel like I;m going to cry now after just being fuming mad), attempting to pack our stuff to move, get our debts paid off, save some money, buy new furniture (which has been putting added pressure because the rest of my family seems to think that everything that we have is garbage and that we won't be able to raise a proper baby with the couch that we have (GRRR)), or that I'm not some "domestic-goddess" who can have a hosue clean in the snap of a finger(yet again, another family "worry"), and finding another job. (yeah, try finding someone to hire a pregnant girl). I don't know what I'm going to do.
I have all this on top of the fact that I don't know if I'm going to be a good mother or not, or that I'm fighting too much with my boyfriend, or that I'm trying to face the fact that I just gave up my life. I never thought that there was a point to it before, but of course, the minute that i get pregnant, I relaize all the things that I wanted to do. But that's a whole other problem in itself...
I feel like I'm going to explode. I was even looking foward to a vacation that i was able to take last week to my grandparent's house in BC with my mom and my sister. My sis was the only one who didn't find it necessary to point out everything that I had done wrong. By the end of the week, I couldn't come out of my room cuz I couldn't stop crying, and then they started to just say, "oh grow up and stop feeling sorry for yourself." It's things like this that are driving me insane. I'm trying to stand up to them, but it's hard. You'd think that they would understand a little more, considering the fact that my oma had my mom when she was 16, but no. They don't point out anything good, they just say under their breath that it's "such a shame," and that I've got to learn respect and manners in a short while or else I won't be a fit mother. I've heard this all my life, but it's really getting to me now, and just adding to the stress.
I just dont' know what to do right now. I lay in bed every night praying that my patience (sp?) isn't going to be so bad to the point that I hurt the baby. I don't want that to happen, and it scares me to death, but I've got an awful temper and when I'm overly mad and stressed, i do really scary things. I scrached my cheeks to the flesh during a tantrum once when I was 16. I dont' want that to happen! I'm ready to cry just thinking about it! Dont' think that I'm a freak of nature. I'm scared! Since being pregnant, I've only had one bad out-burst, and it was VERRRRY mild comparred to what I used to do. That was when I was visiting my grandparents, and they were saying that the dreads in my hair had to come out because it showed immaturity. Then they cut them out while I was sleeping. I took them out the next day, and took a LONG time doing my hair, then got lectured for that (I was apparently too vain), and that's what lead up to the "tantrum." I just scream and jump and start to scrtach myself(usually my arms). I want to go back on anti-depressants, but then I don't feel like myself, I go numb. and I can't take them now anyway. Or after the baby is born until I stop breast feeding.
what amI goingto do? Someone please give some advice.

 

Just by the fact that you ar worrying so much about it, tells me you are a GOOD Mommy!

You're not guaranteed to have PPD. Having a history of depression increases your risk, but it's no guarantee you'll have PPD. You however are forewarned and forearmed; you will know what to look for and can learn how to prevent it or minimize it.

This is really scaring me. I've already got a boat load of stress from trying to deal with my boyfriend (he doesn't understand the pregnancy hormones, and I'm so moody right now, I feel like I;m going to cry now after just being fuming mad), attempting to pack our stuff to move, get our debts paid off, save some money, buy new furniture (which has been putting added pressure because the rest of my family seems to think that everything that we have is garbage and that we won't be able to raise a proper baby with the couch that we have (GRRR)), or that I'm not some "domestic-goddess" who can have a hosue clean in the snap of a finger(yet again, another family "worry"), and finding another job. (yeah, try finding someone to hire a pregnant girl). I don't know what I'm going to do.

Sounds like you have a lot on your plate! Who wouldn't feel overwhelmed with all you got going on! You need to prioritze what's important to you. Your baby isn't going to care what your couch looks like! It could be made from pizza boxes, as long as he's in your arms and has your milk in his tummy!
Go to thrift stores, join your local freecycle group (it's a yahoo! group), borrow a pick up truck and a strong dude and go shopping at the "curbside mall" the night before heavy pick up day. You'd be surprised what people throw away! Buy a pretty new slipcover for your old couch to dress it up.
If you have to, get some public assistance, that's what it's there for! To help Mamas who need help.

I have all this on top of the fact that I don't know if I'm going to be a good mother or not, or that I'm fighting too much with my boyfriend, or that I'm trying to face the fact that I just gave up my life. I never thought that there was a point to it before, but of course, the minute that i get pregnant, I relaize all the things that I wanted to do. But that's a whole other problem in itself...

Um, I have 7 children, and I am still living! I have not given up my life, it's just changed. I went to college, I have a career I love, i travel now and again. So, the things you wanted to do can wait, you'll still want to do them after the baby is born, or maybe you'll want to do something different. Life does go on, even after having children.

I feel like I'm going to explode. I was even looking foward to a vacation that i was able to take last week to my grandparent's house in BC with my mom and my sister. My sis was the only one who didn't find it necessary to point out everything that I had done wrong. By the end of the week, I couldn't come out of my room cuz I couldn't stop crying, and then they started to just say, "oh grow up and stop feeling sorry for yourself." It's things like this that are driving me insane. I'm trying to stand up to them, but it's hard. You'd think that they would understand a little more, considering the fact that my oma had my mom when she was 16, but no. They don't point out anything good, they just say under their breath that it's "such a shame," and that I've got to learn respect and manners in a short while or else I won't be a fit mother. I've heard this all my life, but it's really getting to me now, and just adding to the stress.

If people are being jerks, then you need to stay away from them. Find a parenting group, find an expecting club. Let yur people know that if they are not going to be supportive and kind, and help you be a good mommy, then they need to stay away from you.

I just dont' know what to do right now. I lay in bed every night praying that my patience (sp?) isn't going to be so bad to the point that I hurt the baby. I don't want that to happen, and it scares me to death, but I've got an awful temper and when I'm overly mad and stressed, i do really scary things. I scrached my cheeks to the flesh during a tantrum once when I was 16. I dont' want that to happen! I'm ready to cry just thinking about it! Dont' think that I'm a freak of nature. I'm scared! Since being pregnant, I've only had one bad out-burst, and it was VERRRRY mild comparred to what I used to do. That was when I was visiting my grandparents, and they were saying that the dreads in my hair had to come out because it showed immaturity. Then they cut them out while I was sleeping. I took them out the next day, and took a LONG time doing my hair, then got lectured for that (I was apparently too vain), and that's what lead up to the "tantrum." I just scream and jump and start to scrtach myself(usually my arms). I want to go back on anti-depressants, but then I don't feel like myself, I go numb. and I can't take them now anyway. Or after the baby is born until I stop breast feeding.
what amI goingto do? Someone please give some advice.

So, I think you need to speak with your doctor or midwife about your feelings. There are medications which are safe to take during pregnancy, and almost all are safe for breastfeeding.
You're feelings are valid, and it sounds like you're going through some tough times, but you need help andyou need it soon. Do you have a psychiatrist? call and make an appointment immediately.
The biggest part of being a good Mommy is being good to yourself first. That means surrounding yourself with supportive people, like your sister. Only doing as much as you can without stressing yourself out. Taking your meds if you need them, if you feel crappy about life, it's hard to make the effort to eat right, get out and excercise, and treat yourself kind.
Feel better, Mama. You will be a good mommy. But be good to youself first.

 

thanx.
I'm going to be sure to talk to my doc next week when I go in for my check up.
I guess that I sounded a little hysterical, but that's those mood swings coming into play again.
but yeah, thanx for the advice.
Oh, and about the "no life" thing. That has kinda come into play because all the other nosy moms that see me on the street or something, and just have a need to tell me. The same thing happened when I went out for supper with my bf and all the people that he works with. I still have to finish up high school (I'm planning on going back to college in a couple years after the baby is born) and I want to travel and see things. When I said that to them, they turned around and started telling me to give all that up cuz my life is suddenly going to be just one little person for the next 20 years. I know that. But there's still things that I want to do.
It's people like you who actually give me some hope. My mom went back to school and started completely over with me and my sister on a cashier's wage at a grocery store. I don't see why everyone is saying to me "you have to make over $30 (I'm not kidding, people actually said $30)/hour in order to give a child a proper life. even my mom said this. I had to get up and say to her that she never made that, not once. she's still making what my bf is. And I had a fine childhood. There were somethings that I didn't get, but a lot that I did. She shut up right there. But it's just agrivating, you know?

 

teeny, you sound a lot like me. i had my son when i was 23, and i'd always had problems with depression. the whole pregnancy i was sick as a dog, terrified of the coming responsibility, unsure of how good a mother i would make, etc.
but the minute he was born, i fell madly in love. not only did i not have ppd, i was high as a kite for months. and i've made a pretty good mom! my son is seventeen now and my daughter is six.
this isn't to say that any such thing will happen to you, it's just that you might surprise yourself.
also, about a year and a half ago i was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. i know what you mean about the temper, it's part of it for me. it's something i really have to keep on top of, espescially with my terror of a daughter, lol.

 

argh! i am sooo mad at your family on your behalf!!!!! how could they be so downright mean!? my family is usually supportive, but when i get too much negativity from them, i put some distance between us. i'm not mean about it, i just don't drop by as often. it's easier to be optimistic when you don't have people pointing out every so called wrong thing in your life. you don't need that!! do you have supportive friends? some people with really negative family situations find it helpful to make their friends their true family. family is people who love you for who you are. they don't judge. they are there for you.

i have three kids and have been a parent for 10 years and our couch is the only new furniture we have ever had and it was a wedding gift. it'd old now.we wouldn't get new even if we had the money. we beleive in recycling. you definately don't need beatiful furnture and you don't have to be a perfect homemaker to have a happy home. i love, love, love being a parent and our house is a happily cluttered home, lol! don't worry about providing a perfect home. kids don't really care about that stuff, you'll see. brighid is so right, your arms and breasts are all you need!

wow your family cut your hair in your sleep?! that is awful!!!! your hair does not determinr your maturrity, that is just ridiculous! however, judging someone by their appearance IS VERY immature. your family has proven that they are the ones who need to grow up!

The best way to help yourself is find non toxic people to share your life, like brighid said, look for baby and mommy groups, join the le leche league, find like minded friends who care about YOU!

Good luck to you sweet mama! I wish you well!

kathy

 

thanx celtgrrl.
It's nice to know that I'm not the only one who goes through things like that.
I hope that i have as much luck as you did
and thanx karftykathey. I dont' have any friends where i live, but I'm trying to find some. I know that I need a better support system. I actually live quite a while away from my parents and grandparents. I rarely see them.
as for the furniture thing. Yeah, my bf is saying the same things that you guys are. The only reason why I kinda want a new couch is because there's no cushion left really and it's falling apart, but it's been in his family for over 20 years. it old! lol! but as for my family saying that I need new furniture....it's becuase they think that it is disease ridden and that I'm going to end up making my baby VERY sick because of it. They won't come over to my place cuz they think it's messy. I've see a LOT worse. My family is the type who have museums for homes, and nothing can be touched. so it's hard. me and my bf are cozy types. I clean, i do the dishes and the laundry, i do all that stuff. we just have a lot of things, and a small place. It's hard to deal with a family like them.
and about the hair thing. I said the same thing to them, that they were being immature. They didn't listen, nor do they care. That's just the way that they are. My mom won't even associate with people like my where she lives. It's really annoying. especially(sp?) since both her kids are "different."

 

First of all, I can't believe your family had so little disrespect for you that they cut your hair while you were sleeping. That's terrible. As far as the furniture throw a cover over it. It is worn, not disease ridden. You can buy foam for the cushions pretty cheap. Even a plain sheet put over it will improve the looks. But I guarantee that baby won't care what the furniture looks like. He just wants mama's arms and mama's milk. (Whether it comes from mama or a bottle.) A home doesn't have to be all pristine and everything in it's place. Just clean enough to be livable.

I know what's like to not have friends where you live. The only people I know here are people from work or my husband's friends. You need to develope a circle of friends even if it's on the internet. You need a support group.

I had my children young. I finished high school when my third son was a baby. Then when number five was a year old I went to college. By then I was a single mother with five children to support. But I did it. Now, 35 years after the first one I am raising my beautiful son, number 6.

I've learned that kids don't need top of the line name brands. They get along just as well in "hamedowns". Babies need warm clothes, full tummies, and lots and lots of love. That's it. The rest is frosting.

Take care of yourself. You'll be a great mom. Talk to us whenever you need a friend.

Kathi

 

hey, my friends live far away too. wish i was closer to them, but we talk on the phone and email frequently to stay close. i made new friends (though nothing beats old friends) through a local playgroup and a ladies crafting circle. i'm very different from them, but the ones i call friends accept me for who i am. it helps me get through the day ya know.

i actually had a little ppd after this (my 3rd) baby. it started a couple of months after she was born and lasted 2 months. for me it helped to keep taking my prenatal vitamins and keep a really healthy diet. i also made sure to get dressed and washed and brush my hair each morning, even if you're not going out of the house. it's easy to get feeling down when your in your jammies at 3 pm. does anyone know anything about evening primrose oil? I heard that it is supposed to be helpful for ppd. haven't tried it though.
all the travelling i did was after i had kids, so travellng can definately still be a possibility. especially if your hubby wants that too. bet you'll be a great mama!

kathy

 

thanx for all the great advice, guys!.....girls.....you know what I mean, lol.
I want to get out and make some friends. It's just hard when everyone here who is my age is still out partying every night (I've never been into that). It's always been hard to make friends. And all the older women who are havinf kids think that I'm just another stupid teenager. Sometimes it's really hard.
wish me luck.

 

I havent read the whole post but I read the first few lines and so far I have to comment that jsut because you have depression does not mean you have to LET yourself feel post par. depression. Do not let that take away the joy you mauy just feel Let yourself be happy for this wonderful time. Don't let those words they told you set the road off that way with your baby. Their words don't mean anything and at 18 (or when I had my first baby at 19...) your life will change so drasticly from now to the next few years ... I had depression too before my child but I refused to let it take over my life...and I refuse to live that way for my childs sake. Take this change in your life and keep it positive because it's a really beautiful time to grow and watch life happen. There is no room for sadness.

 

thanx applespark
I'm doing my best to focous on just the good. All the things going on right now are just over whelming.
I'm just trying to remember to keep everything positive and that I'm not going to be living in this apartment for the rest of my life, that I will be able to go to school and that I'm going to meet more people and just in general that things are going to change.

 

(((hugs))). First of all, I highly doubt that your couch is disease-ridden-I'd tell your family that is the ridiculous thing you've ever heard. And if they are that concerned about it, they should buy you a new one!

You can still do all the fun things you love doing-you'll just have a extra body tagging along! I take my girls hiking, camping, road trips, etc. Next month we're all going to a three day music and art festival. Road trips and traveling can be so much fun with a baby/kid if you are prepared. You get to make more stops, see fun things, and have an excuse to act like a kid!! On vacation last year, we went to Pidgeon Forge, TN. The hotel had a pool with a slide. Most adults don't go on water slides, but having my girls needing me to slide with them is a great excuse to do it! Playing on playgrounds, amusement parks, etc. Your precious baby won't be starting school for 5-6 years so you can do all the travelling you want right now.

You really do need to tell these people that if that can't be supportive of you (not financially-just emotionally) then they shouldn't be around you. You don't need the added stress. As for unsolicitated opinions/"advice" for random people, just ignore it. They don't know you or anything about you.

We're here for you and I've been thinking about you a great deal since you starting posting here.

 

You can do a lot with old furniture, to make them look better, just with a minimum investment in some paint, and fabriks and stuff. To clean furniture like couches, just use a steamcleaner (some toolstores have them for rent), they clean out every "disease" that could possibly be in there. (I doubt that there are any in there!!!) This will be kool work, helping you get over your worries, because you are making everything beautiful for your little one. Working with paint is always nice. Look at fleemarkets or ebay for used stuff, sometimes you find the most beautifúl exotic things there! Make your rooms comfy for you and your baby


If you need assistance with paints or so... just pm me, I have painted a lot of things

PS:And no kid should grow up in a totally desinfected, bacteria-free environment. Normal cleaning should do it. That is just bad for the immune system ;-)

 

all i can say is i wish you the best... and i know what its like to get the its the end of your life looks and comments, i'm 18 and 3 monthes along.. i just want to enjoy my pregnancy to its fullest so i just try my best to ignore what everyone has to say if its negative... and don't be worried about being a bad mom... just by hearing you be so concerned i can already tell that you'll be a good one.. best of wishes and always remember... the road less traveled is always bumpier but in the end you get the best scenery the whole way

 

Hey sweetie, confusion is perfectly normal & it's part of being a parent. Go with your heart & you'll be just fine. If things really get you down, don't be afraid to ask for help, there's lots of info stuff here & you can poll to see how other moms handled similar problems; then all you have to do decided is what's best for you & your baby. All these moms had good advise for you!

(ps-enjoy the 'extreemly portable baby' now; it's a little trickier to haul them around once they're born and the happy pre-natal 'havin' fun' vibe is good for mommy & baby; just carry water, most festivals are lienient to moms & moms-to be .)
May much peace & love surround you & yours-Cinnamom

 

Thanx! A lot of what you just said put me into a really positive mood, along with a lot of other things in other posts.
i don't want to sound stupid, but what are these "festivals" that you guys are talking about? The clostest thing that I've found is this thing called the "fringe" that comes to edmonton (capital city) every summer. There's actors doing independent plays, street performers, TONS of hippies, and loads of people selling personally made things. I LOVE it there....But i just don't know what else to look for. Maybe I just live in a secluded(sp?) area? But these things sound like a load of fun.
Anyway, got a little off topic there.
Thanx again. There's just some days that I feel totally depressed and almost resentful that the baby is coming, which makes me feel awful. I just feel stressed. That's all.
As well, there's NO family or friends here. I read that in another post. I wish that I was closer to some more people. But it's just another thing to get worked up over that I don't really want to think about.
anyway, g2g. thanx once more!

 

Festivals are any event where there are people, like 'the fringe'; they usually center around different performing arts (music, theater) & sometimes they support a cause or an issue. Most US cities have some sort of festival, even some small towns; they're just events you go to for fun; but the States have a lot of festivals which appeal to the hippy-type folk. In Austin TX, we're getting ready to celebrate 'Eeyore's Birthday' (yes, the Winnie-the-Pooh buddy); big hippie affair here.

 

that sounds like a blast! I wish that there were more of those up here. But I love going to the fringe every year....so if thats all that I have, I'm happy!