I've Fucked Myself

I'd denounced my religion (christianity) a couple of years ago. After a lot of logical reasoning I've settled into the belief that there is no higher power or after life and life as we know it ultimately holds no divine meaning. While I am well aware of the fact that family, friends, accomplishments and such do hold value when looked at in context, I can't forget that ultimately they'll mean nothing when I am dead and gone.

I try to psyche myself out...but it's just not working. I do just enough to get by. I can't find motivation do anything extra.

It's almost like having to write this really long detailed paper that requires a massive amount of research,editing and rewriting. Just to find out that the professor has quit and my paper will end up in the trash with no regards to all of my hard work and labor. Yeah, I'll learn alot in the process but the bell will still ring, class will be over and my paper nor any of the knowledge I've aquired will mean shit.

 

I think you are taking it to the extreme. I don't think that your life means nothing after you die, and I really don't get where you form that concept.

 

That you're not doing it for someone else is no reason to do nothing.. Just do it for yourself.

 

I really don't think I have any great advices, but: just have fun.
I don't think there is a purpose in life.. and sure, it's hard! but there are also fun parts.
you're right; in the end you'll die, and everything you've ever accomplished will be lost.
But you've lived.
And when you're old, you can reflect upon your life and be satisfied with what it has given you.
that's what it's about.. I guess.
just live it through as happy as possible. there isn't any need for a higher meaning but happiness.

 

i've been able to live my life pretty well without looking to some higher source for reasoning on why im on this world or alive for that matter... i just live each day as if it was my last.. where will i go when my final day is spent... who the hell knows... and i dont go any further than that in my wonders.... i just figure... i'll find out when the time comes... you dont need no reasons to live.. just live life man...

 

For me, if I want to think about something spiritual, I just head into the mountains. I dont really believe in any kinda religion, but there are so many places around where I live that I can go and be alone and just feel good about myself.

 

Hi honeyhannah,

In all honesty I don't feel as though I've taken it to the extreme. It's simply what I beleive to be "true". Once I die, my life will very well cease to have meaing, because I will no longer be. Yes, there will be others I've left behind who may remember me, my existence and the effect I've had on them will remain, but I won't be here to know this (or anything else for that matter).

That's all I mean.

But thank you all for your responces.

 

Sullen, I hate to say it, but you're right on the money. We are infinitessimal, so theoretically speaking we have no value. I struggle with this every day. But put on your Buddhist hat for a second... Suffering exists in the world, and if you can do something to lessen that suffering (even if it's just picking up an earthworm from the asphalt), you've validated your existence in a small way. I guarantee that earthworm will NOT say that your life is meaningless or forgettable!

 

yea make the best out of life, its not worth anything but who cares? not me.

 

When I'm feeling a bit like you do, I find thoughts like this help (particularly the last):

and

and

 

god is the accumiliation of many diffrent views. I personally belave that when we die we become one with evry living creature. we become hope, dispair, anger, love, happnyess, triubph, faliur and evry other form of expression and acchivment. If in your life you are a poet, dreamer,jock, whatever...your karma, soul, sprit, etc will help the next generation of poets, dreamers, jocks, and the like to realise there potental. So in essence I have DaVinchi, Poe, Michelangelo, all the artists of history infulencing my everyday life....and if I do not fullfill my life as an artist I am letting all them down as well as the next generation. This is what I beleave...blesed be

 

In it sat a million dollars - all in pennies. At the very bottom, one penny asked another, "I wonder if my existence has any value".

 

Are you thinking about commiting suicide? I think those exact same thoughts sometimes. I guess we wont be remembered but what we do in our lives will effect our children. The purpose of life is to enjoy it with other people. If your having problems with that you can talk to me, because I really would love to talk to you.

 

Thanks Barefoot Boo,
Those were great.


Lostinmyowndreams, I agree 100%. Oh, and I love your name.


Daniel, your quote made me smile, it's soo cute for lack of a better word.

No Lizardman0, I'm not considering suicide at all. I have plenty of things I enjoy doing on a regular basis. Although there are plennnttty of times I feel like "I just can't wait for this (life) to be over", I have no intentions upon pulling the curtain myself. That's a major decision to make and half the time I can't decide what to eat for lunch.

While I do suffer from bouts of depression and suicide has crossed my mind before, I always know that if I stick around a little while longer, I'll feel better eventually. My problem is not with finding happiness in the moment, it's not feeling to enthusiastic about the future. I know the "moment" should be all that matters, but I also know that isn't all that matters.

But all in all I'm fine, I just have to figure this stuff out.

Thanks again everyone...

 

Daniel I thought about your quote for like 3 hours today...

Sometimes I think of suicide, like everyday. You sounded like I think so I was just wondering. I don't want you to commit suicide.

 

Thanks, Lizardman0. When I was in my late teens, I attempted suicide twice. First by overdose - when that didn't work, I hung myself. After about 15 minutes at the end of my rope. I gave it all up. It seemed God would not let me die. I have lived into my fifties; had many grand adventures. I have based my life around the notion that God wanted me here. As for my quote: every penny has value.

 

Daniel, and Lizard I'm really sorry that you had to suffer through whatever it is (was) that made you not want to be here anymore. And I really mean that. I have such a problem with people who view suicide as this ultimate selfish act. And I'm not saying it should be the answer, but damn for a person to even consider it they have to really be in a state of despair. Most people couldn't imagine the amount of pain you'd have to be in to want to end your life because they've never experienced it.

I have thought of suicide many times. But it's always like a peaceful thought...something to lull me to sleep. Just knowing that there is (possibly) a state that I could enter in which my many issues would no longer exist kind of calms me. Like I have to remind myself that I won't be here forever and if I were to get to the point were life is extrememly unbearable I can speed up the inevitable. But I've never actually gotten even close to doing it.

I know it's really personal, so feel free to tell me to mind my business, but I'm interested in knowing how you were able to quiet your voice of reasoning long enough to go as far as you did. Plus, I know all of your problems didn't magically dissappear after your failed attempts, so how do you cope with unbearable feelings and such now? I'm always looking for coping techniques...

 

It was abject lonliness that caused me to think the world would not miss me; that everyone would be better off without me. I came away from my failed attempts somehow stronger: I've never had unbearable feelings since. I'm like that proverbial rock that the torrents rage by on all sides while I remain in the same place. Life is a challenge - 'Git-er-done'.

 

I've had a death experience I'll share if you wish (*Note ~ not near death). Just email and I'll forward my blurb. It's a whole lot better than you can imagine in this little backwater of reality. It has it's moments. Seems you're just between moments!

 

at least you have a great understanding of analogies.


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